In a press release today, a spokesperson for Amalgamated Aluminum Can Consortium stated that St. John's Wart, an herbal solution used for the treatment of depression and anxiety, can cure the common cold. Paxil Zoloft, a Senior Sales Analyst for the Amalgamated Aluminum Can Consortium said that several acquaintances have told him that their colds were cured within weeks of taking St. John's Wart. "This is a major breakthrough," Zoloft said today. "I had heard rumors that St. John's Wart could cure the common cold but didn't believe it until the cafeteria lady told me it worked for her. Shortly afterwards, the janitor confirmed the cafeteria lady's findings when he admitted that his severe cold cleared up a mere ten days after taking St. John's Wart." Paxil Zoloft is a thirty year veteran of the aluminum can industry and added that in all his years of experience selling aluminum cans, he had never experienced findings like these.

When asked for comments, General Nutrition Center, a market leader in the field of nutritional supplements in the United States, said that there has been a marked increase in the sale of St. John's Wart since the press release this morning. George Garth, a cashier at the GNC at Crowders Shopping Center in Bedford, Indiana reported that sales have almost tripled since the announcement. "Well, like, today is only my second day man but all I know is, you know, yesterday I sold one bottle of the stuff and today I like sold about three."

Zoloft also mentioned in the press release that more research should be done to validate the discovery and that plans were being made to further study the results. "We are currently in the process," said Zoloft, "of asking select construction workers if St. John's Wart has cured their colds. It is possible that the study could progress far enough to involve a team of garbage collectors and the guy who works over at Blockbuster."

I found the want ads from a six-month-old newspaper. Spotting a house for rent, I decided to call and see if it was still available. "I'm calling about the house for rent"

"I'm sorry it's already been rented"

"How much does it rent for?"

"It's already been rented"

"Oh. How long has it been rented?"

"It's been rented for about six months now."

"Do you reckon the people will be moving out soon?"

"Probably not for at least 6 months. The tenants signed a lease for a year."

"Do you reckon I might be able to convince them to move?"

"How would you do that?"

"I can be pretty persuasive. If you'll give me the telephone number, I'll take care of the rest."

"I can't do that sir."

"Okay, I understand. Can you give me the address?"

"No sir, I don't want you harassing the renters."

"Oh I ain't going to harass them. I just want to take a look at on account that I might rent it later. "

"If the house is available to rent in the future, I'll be glad to show it to you then."

"How much would the rent be?"

"It would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $2500 per month."

"My goodness, that sounds mighty steep. I can only afford about $750. Do you reckon I could rent seven hundred fifty dollars worth of the house?"

"No sir. You'd have to rent the whole thing."

"What if I only used seven hundred fifty dollars worth. I don't think I'd need much more than that."

"I couldn't do that. It's a single family house and there isn't any way to split it up."

"How about if I got me some roommates and we all just shared the cost."

"That would probably work in that case."

"You say it might be available in six months."

"It's possible, if the tenants don't renew the lease."

"Okay. Well my mama and little brother should be out on parole by then and we'll probably just take it then."

"Did you say out on parole?"

"Yes. My poor mama's been locked up for ten years for killing her landlord but I know she didn't do it. My little brother been in for two years for robbing a liquor store but he didn't really do that either. He just drove the getaway car."

"And you think the three of you will be able to afford the rent?"

"Oh yes ma'am. They didn't ever find the money my brother stole and he's still got it buried out in the woods somewhere."

"You do realize that there is no way I could accept stolen money."

"Well, he didn't really steal it you know. He just drove the getaway car."

"But it would still be stolen money."

"Well, I guess but he's paid his debt to society so it's only fair that he gets to keep the money."

"What did you say your brothers name was?"

"Look at the time. I have an urgent appointment I have to attend. It's been nice talking with you now." Bye!"

(Click)

My wife and I were sleeping soundly in our apartment one Saturday morning when we abruptly awakened by loud music. "It's Red Shoes again," exclaimed my wife.

Red Shoes was a neighbor who lived two apartments down from us. We had attached the name "Red Shoes" to him as he was always seen donning a pair of cheap red vinyl shoes. I got up out of bed and walked over to the neighbor's apartment. Pounding on the door had little effect since the music was too loud for him to hear me. I waited for a lull in between songs and began pounding again. The door cracked open and Red Shoes appeared. "Hey man. How's it going?"

"Would you mind turning the music down. It's a bit loud."

"No problem dude. Sorry about that, man. I didn't think anyone was home around here."

I looked at the parking lot and it was packed full of cars. "It's Saturday morning. Everyone is home today."

"Oh wow. My bad."

Instances like this one were not uncommon where Red Shoes was concerned. I was on the front porch one afternoon as I watched him unload box after box of laundry detergent from the trunk of his car. He spotted me, looked around as if to see if anyone was watching, and quickly approached me. In a very clandestine manner, not unlike someone selling stolen goods on the street, he asked, "Hey man, do you want to buy some washing powders?"

"No thanks."

"That sounds like a deal but I think I'm pretty much set up with all the "washing powders" that I need."

"Okay, well, if you do, just let me know" His voice quieted and dropped in tone as he Ieaned towards me to say, "I have a bunch of mop heads too if you need any of those."

"No thanks but if I hear of anybody looking for mop heads, I'll be sure let you know."

"I can get other stuff too, man. None of it is stolen. I just get a really good deal on it."

"If I have a need for other stuff, I'll let you know."

"Okay dude. Let me know if you need any washing powders soon, though. It's the good stuff and it'll probably go quick.

A major hotel chain was running a promotion and thought it would be a good idea to spread the good news through direct telephone marketing. Little did they know that I would be awaiting their call as I do calls from all telemarketers.

"We are running a limited time offer that allows you to stay two nights in one of our hotels for the price of one."

It sounded like a good deal but I just had to inquire, "What's the catch?"

"Actually, there is no catch. It's as simple as it sounds."

"How much is this going to cost me. How much money do you want?"

"I'm not asking for any money. I'm just calling to tell you about our special limited time offer."

"That's it? You aren't asking for money?"

"No sir, I'm not asking for money. If you are planning a vacation or business trip in the near future, I'll be glad to reserve a room for you at this time, if you would like."

"Will it cost money?"

"Yes sir."

"So, let me get this straight. If I book a room, you'll ask for money, is that correct."

"Yes sir."

"But you said you weren't asking for money."

"Well, I haven't actually asked you for any money and I won't unless you reserve a room at one of our hotels."

"That's a little misleading don't you think?"

"I certainly didn't mean to offend you sir and I apologize if I did."

"Oh, no need to apologize. It's my fault actually. I get this way when I have to go out of town."

"Do you go out of town often?"

"I've never been out of town."

"Oh, so this is your first trip out of town. Will you be needing to stay in a hotel?"

"No, I'm not going out of town."

"Well, if you should need a hotel, please feel free to call us and we will be glad to set up a reservation for you."

"Is it half price for just one night."

"It would be the regular charge for one night."

"I thought it was half price."

"That's only if you stay two nights."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"It's just the promotion that we are running at the present time."

Well, if I reserve a room for two nights, can I sublet the second night to someone else?"

"I really don't think that's allowed."

"I've done it before. Why couldn't I do it now?"

"Didn't you tell me that you have never been out of town?"

"I might have but I didn't say that I haven't stayed in a hotel."

"Sir, are you interested in reserving one of our rooms?"

"I might be. I just might be."

"I'll be happy to book that reservation for you."

"Okay, that sounds good. What kind of hourly rates do you have?"

(click)