One of the funniest things I think I have ever witnessed happened just after I had entered a local grocery store. I had stopped to pick up a few staple items on my way home from work when I happened to walk by the bakery section. Standing directly in front of a rack containing Dunkin Doughnuts, in full uniform, was a police officer. That by itself seemed kind of funny but what really got me was when the officer noticed me coming his way, he actually pretended not to be looking at the doughnuts. As I examined a package of dinner rolls, he walked completely away from the bakery.

I blazed down a few more aisles and was making my way to the checkout line when I passed by the bakery again. The policeman had returned and, you guessed it, he was standing in front of the Dunkin Doughnuts with the look of a teenage girl window shopping for a prom dress.

In a totally unrelated story:

I was standing outside of church one Sunday afternoon when I witnessed a friend walk up to another friend and say, "Yell pig."

"What?"

"Yell pig."

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"You want me to yell pig."

"Yes. Just yell pig as loud as you can."

"Why?"

"It's a joke. Trust me, it will be funny."

"Well, okay. PIG!"

"Yell it again."

"Why?"

"Trust me."

"PIG!"

"Do it again."

"PIG!"

"Do it one more time as loud as you can."

"Okay, now turn around."

Standing behind the gentleman, giving him a stern look, was a police officer in full uniform.

Todd had been in the Navy for a couple of years when he announced that he had been accepted into the SEALs training school. He was, with good reason, proud to have been selected and was telling me some of what he knew about the rigorous instruction that he would experience.

"I asked him, "When you get out of the Navy, what kind of skills will you have learned as a Navy SEAL that you can apply to your everyday life?"

He gave all the obvious answers such as leadership capabilities, being flexible at a moments notice and several other assorted good answers.

"But how will clapping your flippers on command be useful?" I asked.

"What?"

"You know. I've seen trained seals do that before."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about seals. I guess you're going to think you're hot stuff once you can balance a beach ball on your nose."

It was like a light bulb went off. My friend was following the program. "I'm really looking forward to learning how to use the powerful force of my jaws to squeak out a tune on a set of toy horns. Man, will that be cool or what?"

"Hey! Why don't we practice? I'll go buy some herring, and if you can roll over when I tell you to, I'll throw a fish and you catch it in your mouth."

"Can I shinny up a ladder and jump into a pool filled with six inches of water?"

"I don't have a pool but I have a bathtub and some hoops you can jump through!"

"Cool!"

Now I know what the U.S. Navy means by, " It's Not Just a Job. It's an Adventure."

From: George Garth
To: Hairclub for Men
Subject: Hair Loss Help Needed

Dear Sir or Madam,

Last year my wifes cat set our mobile home on fire after his tail came in contact with a burning candle. During the blaze, I foolishly rushed back into the trailer in an attempt to retrieve my wife's prized portrait of Elvis Presley. As a result, certain parts of my body were severely burned and I have yet to regain hair growth in those areas.

What I am about to say next may sound a little strange at first but please bear with me and understand that I am very serious about this. Before the fire, I had a considerable amount of hair on my butt. Over the past 20 years, my wife has become very fond of the hair on my butt and had a habit of petting it before she went to sleep at night. She says that petting my butt hair is soothing and helps her to go to sleep.

As old habits are hard to break, my wife has had trouble getting to sleep at night because my butt is now bald. We tried letting the dog sleep in the bed with us so she could pet his butt but the dog doesn't like it.

It's even caused me some embarrassment at work. I've worked for the same company for 20 years and just the other day I was complaining that I deserved a raise. The guys on the job said, and I quote, "You don't have a hair on your butt if you don't go to the boss and demand a raise." Now, how was I supposed to tell the boys that I don't have any hair on my butt?

I have tried using Minoxidyl, Propecia and Rogaine but haven't as of yet seen any results. I have been using the Rogaine for about 3 months and I would think that I should have at least seen a little fuzz by now.

The bottom line is this, I am desperate to get some hair on my butt. My doctor said he could do a transplant but the only place he can find enough hair is in my nose.

Can the Hairclub can help me?

Yours truly,

George Garth

Here's a game the whole family can play at the drive through window of your local fast food restaurant. It's called Drive Through Confusion. The game is started by driving up to the speaker and beginning the conversation before the order taker has a chance to speak. Begin by asking, "May I take your order?"

"What?"

"May I take your order please?"

"I'm supposed to ask you that."

"Oh, okay."

Wait as long as it takes for them to ask, "May I take your order?"

"I'd like to place an order to go."

"Everything is to go."

"I'd like that bush by the pick-up window."

"We don't sell bushes."

"You said everything was to go."

"Everything on the menu is to go."

"I can't eat everything on the menu."

"Just pick out what you can eat."

"I'd like a steak and cheese biscuit."

"That's a breakfast item. We stopped serving breakfast at 10:30 this morning."

"But that's what I want."

"We aren't serving breakfast now. You'll have to pick something else."

"Okay. I'd like a free Disney glass."

"You have to order a 'value meal' to get the glass."

"Okay. Let me have a value meal."

"Which one do you want?"

"What do you recommend?"

"Any of them are good. Just pick one."

"I'll have a number seventeen 'value meal'"

"There isn't a number seventeen 'value meal.' They only go up to ten."

"Let me have a number ten."

"Let's see, that's a double cheeseburger 'value meal' with french fries and a drink. What kind of drink would you like?"

"Is that double cheeseburger low fat?"

"No, it isn't."

"How much fat is in it?"

"A lot."

"What do you have that's low fat?"

"We have a grilled chicken 'value meal.'"

"How much fat is in that?"

"Not much."

"Okay, I'll have that?"

"And what would you like to drink?"

"I'll have an espresso."

"We don't have espresso. You'll have to pick from the menu."

"I'll have water please. Make that a diet water."

"Thank you. Please drive around."

"Wait a minute. That's not all. Kids, what do you want?"