I was working for a client as a contract painter several years ago when he asked me if I knew anyone who could hang sheet rock. He wanted to finish his basement and was having a hard time finding a contractor who would take on such a small job. I had done some small sheet rock jobs in the past and had quickly learned that it wasn't something I wanted to do. It was, in my opinion, nasty work and I had decided that I would stick to painting only. I politely told him that, offhand, I didn't know of anybody who could do the job for him and that I personally didn't know anything about hanging sheet rock.

I figured that would be the end of the discussion until my associate showed up on the scene. The client put forth the same question to him but my associate replied, "Sure, I know someone. We can do that." Not only did the client shoot me a puzzled look but my good buddy kept rambling on about how we knew everything there is to know about hanging sheet rock and how we would be glad to do the job for him.

When the client had left the area I filled my associate in on the conversation that had transpired between the client and myself in regards to sheet rock work. I was surprised to hear that my friend shared my aversion to hanging sheet rock and he explained that he wouldn't have offered to do the job except that the money for hanging sheet rock was good.

I explained my position as to why I didn't like sheet rock work. "It, nasty. I get covered in dust that dries out my skin. Even if I wear a facemask I breathe in the dust. It's back breaking work. To me, it just isn't worth the money no matter how much profit is involved."

We decided that we would severely overbid the job in hopes that the client would decide that the price was too steep. We took a few minutes and figured up the cost, added in what we thought would be a fair profit and then multiplied that figure by four. When the client returned, we submitted our figure to him thinking that he would immediately balk. He took one look at the figure and said, "Wow!" I smiled, as I knew we had just gotten out of the job. "That's not a bad price."

Still smiling I said, "I thought that might be your reaction but we just can't do it for less. Wait a minute. What did you just say?"

"I said it's not a bad price. I figured it would cost me at least twice that."

My partner and I looked at each other in disbelief. We knew we had to take this job. Even though I hated to hang sheet rock, the profit expected from the job was just too good to pass up.

We finished the job in record time, or rather record time for us, and we were awarded the task of painting the newly finished extra bedroom and den areas of the downstairs area. Both the husband and wife were very pleased with our sheet rock work. The wife was especially pleased since she had been after her husband to have the basement area finished for quite some time.

The husband told us that, as a surprise for his wife, he had something special in mind for the painting of the den and pulled us outside to discuss the color scheme. He informed us that his wife's favorite colors were pink and green and that he would like for us to paint the ceiling green and the walls pink. "Are you sure about that?" I asked.

"Absolutely. She will love it!" He showed us two blazers belonging to his wife. One of them was a bright "hot" pink and the other was a stunning lime green. "These are the colors."

My associate and I looked at each other as we tried to suppress laughter. "You're kidding, right?"

"Not at all."

"You're sure about this?"

"Absolutely"

The following day we arrived early at the paint store and began to look at the paint samples they had in stock. We couldn't find anything to match the colors our client had shown us and we ended up finding our color samples in a box of crayons we eventually picked up at Wal-Mart. We asked the guy at the paint store to match the color of the crayons and he assured us that he would have no problem with the task. "You guys must be painting a child's room."

"Nope"

"A play room?"

"Nope."

"Hahaha! Don't tell me. You're painting a living room."

"Yep."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"I wish I was."

He mixed our paint without saying another word.

We showed up at our client's home and began our work. Both he and his wife were at work and we were able to finish the den before either of them arrived home. We were cleaning our tools and loading up our equipment when the husband arrived home. He walked into his new den and marveled at the spectacle before him. "Oh, she is going to love this. She will be so surprised." He pulled out his checkbook and was about to pay us for our work when we heard his wife arriving home. "Wait right here. Let me get my wife and show this to her. I watched as the client and his checkbook disappeared to find his wife.

My partner looked at me and said, "Maybe we should have gotten the check first."

The husband made his wife close her eyes as he lead her down the steps by her hand, his checkbook still clutched in his other hand. Her smile was beaming as she stepped into the new living room and the husband was teaming with excitement. With an ever so pleased look, the husband said, "Okay honey. Open your eyes. Take a look!"

She opened her eyes and her smile quickly disappeared as her jaw dropped to the floor. My partner and I averted our eyes as she tears began to well up in her eyes. Her husband remarked "Wow honey. I knew you'd like it but I didn't think you'd like it so much that you'd cry."

"I don't," she whispered.

"You don't what honey?"

She was literally choked up as she muttered, "I don't like it. Can I talk to you upstairs a moment?"

"Sure baby. Guys, I'll be right back." Off he went with his wife and his checkbook. From upstairs we could hear her sobbing and could only make out a few of her words. Words like, hideous, revolting, offensive, gruesome, horrid and grisly just to name a few. The sobbing and voices died down and a short time later the husband returned.

He began writing out our check as he said, "So, what is your schedule like for the rest of the week?"

"We'll be back tomorrow morning."

"How does white sound?"

"We'll pick it up on the way in tomorrow."

I was pulling out of the driveway when my associate said, "I love my job." Not another word was said the entire ride home.

A few days after we had completely finished the job my phone rang. The gentleman at the other end asked me if I would be interested in doing a small sheet rock job. It seemed that he wanted someone to finish out his basement.

"I'm sorry," I replied." I'm a painter. I don't know anything about hanging sheet rock."

"That's odd. Weren't you the one who just finished my neighbors basement?"

A team of meteorologists lead by Dr. Alphonse Pons of the National Meteorological Society has discovered stunning new evidence that the theory of global warming is much more than a myth. The team set out on scientific study to measure temperatures over a span of 1400 miles in the United States. They started walking from Macon, Georgia in February of last year and finished the expedition at Augusta, Maine in early August. The scientists hiked approximately 7.5 mile per day, taking temperature readings at one mile intervals. "At first," said Dr. Pons, "We didn't notice much of a discrepancy in our data but over the months we noticed some alarming results. We couldn't believe the drastic changes in temperatures that our instruments were recording. We consistently recalibrated and checked our instruments for any malfunction to be sure our findings were correct."

According to Dr. Pons, temperatures climbed steadily the further north the team went. At the start of the expedition, in Macon, Georgia, average high temperatures measured at 60 degrees Fahrenheit and average lows were around 36 degrees Fahrenheit. By the time the team had reached Richmond, Virginia in May, the average high temperature had climbed to 77 degrees Fahrenheit and the lows were averaging at 54 degree Fahrenheit. By this time the scientists had already noticed the consistent rise in temperature and were alarmed at the rate of increase. Arriving in Augusta, Maine in August, the average high temperature readings recorded by the scientific survey were 79 degrees Fahrenheit for the high and a mild 60 degrees Fahrenheit for the low.

"One would naturally assume that the further away from the equator that one gets, the lower the average temperature should be," said Dr. Pons. "This simply isn't the case. This is definitely positive proof that global warming exists."

Researchers have determined that at the present rate of temperature increase, the oceans will boil in about three and a half years. "People should not panic about the boiling of the oceans," said Dr. Pons. The water from the melting polar ice caps will have flooded the Earth long before we have to worry about any effect on the oceans."

The National Meteorological Society says that the best offense in this situation is a good defense. They recommend that people start stocking up on plenty of sunscreen and floatation devices early to insure that future supplies are limited. Eobor Noryb, spokesperson for the NMS said, "Everyone should remain calm. The time to run 'Willie Nillie' through the streets will come if people are just patient."

In addition, Mr. Noryb had this to say, Remember, life vests make great Christmas gifts and nothing stuffs a stocking better than a bottle of SPF 100."

I was talking about practical jokes with a client of mine when he relayed an ongoing gag that had been played at his office. When one of his colleagues retired a few years ago, my client and his other associates threw him a retirement party. As part of the festivities, they filled an old pair of coveralls with stuffing and placed a cardboard cutout of the retiree's face where the head should be. Towards the end of the evening, they revealed the dummy and introduced it as the retiree's replacement. Everyone had a big laugh.

My client has one of the larger offices where he works and he ended up storing the dummy in a corner chair. Since his office is rather large, his coworkers, including his boss, usually congregate there in the morning for coffee and brief discussions. The dummy had been residing in the office for quite a while when someone suggested that they put it to good use.

Located across the hall from my client is a bathroom that is used by both men and women. When in use, it is customary for the user to lock the door in case someone else should attempt to enter. The dummy was placed on the toilet in a position to make it appear that he was not only using the toilet but also reading the newspaper. Throughout the day, people could be heard apologetically saying, "Excuse me. I didn't know anyone was in here. I'm really sorry," as they quickly closed the door. Before the days end, there was some concern expressed as to why the same person had been in the bathroom all day and there was also question as to the identity of the person. Those in on the joke would claim to have no knowledge of the person since they had been in the bathroom several times that day and hadn't seen anyone. While nobody was watching, the dummy was removed for the day.

The next day, it was placed back into the bathroom. The same results were produced only this time it was quickly removed when rumors surfaced that someone needed to help the poor gentleman in the bathroom. Upon inspection, the bathroom was found to be vacant and, within a few minutes, the dummy was placed back on the throne. As the secret was leaked to the general population, the joke lost it effectiveness and the dummy returned to his previous home in the corner of my client's office where it remained for another considerable length of time.

Getting tired of looking at the dummy, my client decided thought it would be a good idea to put it back into action. His boss's car had a trunk that opened by a push button and my client knew that his boss seldom, if ever, locked the trunk. My client, and a couple of his coworkers, promptly inserted the dummy into the boss's car and silently waited for the reaction.

As was mentioned before, my client's office is the morning meeting place. After his boss's arrival each day, he would place a hash mark on the dry erase board mounted to his wall. After marking the board for several days, his boss asked, "Are you keeping track of something?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to enlighten me as to what it is?"

"No."

"Does it have anything to do with me?"

"Yes."

Several weeks passed. The boss strolls into my client's office and just as another hash mark is about to be added to the board he announces, "That won't be necessary." The boss and his wife had done a little shopping at a factory outlet shop over the weekend and upon returning to the car, discovered the "body" in the trunk. The dummy returned to the corner.

Several months later, the boss's boss was due to retire but this time the dummy wasn't invited to the party. At the party, the retiree to be let it be known that on his first day of retirement he had planned to take his boat, a twenty-six foot cabin cruiser, out to the lake for a long vacation. The boss told my client, "I need to borrow the dummy."

The retiree arrived at the lake and climbed aboard his boat but unbeknownst to him, his former employee was already there, laying in wait. The retiree loaded his boat with provisions, and untied his boat from the dock. At the moment he started the engine, his former employee slipped up from behind the boat and silently inserted the dummy over the back of the boat, sitting it upright on a seat. Just as the dummy was in place, the retiree left the dock and his former employee watched as the dynamic duo disappeared over the horizon. The dummy was never seen or heard from again.

Not long ago, it was time for my client's boss to retire. A new dummy was made for the occasion and the boss got a big charge out of having it at his retirement party. My client had made a cardboard cutout of his boss's head, from a twenty-year-old picture he had found, and used it as the head for the dummy. The boss asked him, "Who's picture did you use for the head. The guy is mighty goofy looking."

The new dummy now sits in a chair in the corner of my client's office. It is waiting for it's next assignment.

"I'm here to exterminate the ants," explained the exterminator.

"I don't have an ant problem anymore."

"Well," he said, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they don't come back."

"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."

Eight weeks prior to this conversation I was sitting at my desk in my office and felt the sensation of something crawling on my arm. Upon closer inspection, I discovered the presence of a small ant. With one press of my mighty fingertip, I eliminated the pest. By late afternoon I had a full-blown ant problem. Ants were crawling all over my desk and various other places throughout my office.

The next morning I set out a couple of household ant traps that I had bought the night before. I put one behind my trashcan and another in the opposite corner of the room. The ants loved whatever was in the traps and soon my desk was clear of the insects and their trail now lead exclusively to the traps. When I arrived the following morning, all traces of ant infestation were void but I left the traps in place just to be on the safe side.

Whenever I have a facilities problem, in other words an air conditioning, heat, plumbing or general building problem, I report it to the building liaison. It just so happened that the building liaison noticed my ant traps in my office and told me, "You know, you aren't really supposed to put out ant traps like that."

"No, I didn't know that," I replied.

"Yes, well technically, if you have an insect problem you're supposed to report it to me and then I'll send a work order over to the staff exterminator for him to come over and take care of the problem."

"Oh. Okay. I only set them out yesterday so I'll just toss them in the trash and you can let the exterminator know about the ants.

The building liaison said that he'd inform the exterminator so that he could come out and investigate the situation. He also said that he'd put in the work order that day. Since then, I haven't seen any ants in my office.

Eight weeks later, a man sticks his head in my door to say, ""I'm here to exterminate the ants."

"I don't have an ant problem anymore."

"Well," said the exterminator, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they don't come back."

"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."

He opened a tackle box and took out a small box. From the small box he removed two ant traps. As a matter of fact, they were the same type and brand that I had set out previously. He placed one of the traps behind my trashcan and the other in opposite corner on the other side of the room.

"Is that all you're going to do?" I asked.

"Yep. That'll probably take care of any ant problems you might have."

"Wow. I would have never thought of that."

"Most people don't think of it but you can buy these traps at just about any grocery store."

"Is that a fact?"

"Yep but they're only good for three months."

"Are you coming back to replace them in three months?"

"Sure. Just have your building liaison turn in a work order."