A Good Rule To Live By, One Thing Leads To Another, Now That's Hot, The Rise and Fall of the SUV

A Good Rule To Live By

My six-year-old son joined me in the living room. Lately he has been going through a stage where he wants to wear the same thing as "Daddy." Today he is struggling with putting on his belt. "Daddy, do you always wear a belt?"

"Yes, pretty much I always do."

"Does everybody wear a belt?"

"Not everybody. Some people almost never wear a belt."

"Why do you always wear a belt?"

"So my pants don't fall down."

"They don't want your pants to fall down at work?"

"Umm, no. They don't want my pants to fall down at work."

"Why?"

"Well, nobody wants to see me in my underwear."

"Is it against the law for your pants to fall down at work?"

"Not if it's an accident put people generally don't want their pants falling down. It makes it hard to walk around, you know."

"Would it be rude?"

"If you did it on purpose I suppose it would be rude but I think it would be more embarrassing than anything else."

"Daddy can you help me put my belt on?"

"Sure I can. So tell me; why do you want to wear a belt?"

"I don't want to be rude or embarrassed."

"That's a good rule to live by."

One Thing Leads To Another

As we all know, Sir Isaac Newton, better known to his homies in the hood as "Fig," invented gravity. Then one day he was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he wrote a song that Blood, Sweat and Tears sang about "What goes up, must come down." They also mentioned that, "Spinning wheel got to go round," but that just hatches a whole new basket of worms that I don't dare kick around. Before Newton was smacked in the head by an apple, things just kind of floated around willie nillie but Fig took his apples and made a pie and that was the beginning of America.

Yes, America the beautiful, full of apple pie and Fig Newton's. It's no wonder obesity is on the rise in the United States. With all that apple pie and Fig Newton eating going on and gravity holding it all down, it's no wonder we have earthquakes. All that shaking is causing the Earth to fall apart. The earth is pretty old after all so we should be more careful with it since it's probably just getting tired and worn out like a pair of old gym socks.

The only thing ever stolen from me in high school, to the best of my knowledge, were my gym socks. I felt violated. They were taken from my padlocked gym locker and I still can't figure out who would want to take a sweaty, smelly pair of socks that hadn't been washed in six months. I wonder how long the perpertrator had been stalking me, waiting for the right moment to make his move. He sure went to a lot of trouble to get those socks. Maybe it was a communist plot. Everyone knows that communisim is based on having control over everyone's socks. If Sir Isaac Newton had only known, he wouldn't have gone around letting apples hit him on the noggin.

Now That's Hot

A friend of mine spins a yarn about an old coworker of his who happens to be a connoisseur of the hot pepper. This fellow, it seems, loves peppers and the hotter they are, the better. Much to the delight of his coworkers, he was constantly bringing peppers to work for everyone to try. One day he had brought in a particularly strong variety with "Vesuviusacle" strength. He would slice off a small piece, put it in his mouth and began to cry before screaming, "Man that's a good pepper!"

He offered a pepper to my friend who began to put the entire pepper into his mouth. "Hold on partner," the pepper man explained. If you try to eat that whole thing at one time it might kill you. Just nibble on a small piece."

Pretty soon, a small crowd had gathered to test the peppers. Faces were red, eyes were tearing, noses were running, a painfully good time was being had by all. It was then that a visiting French technician showed up on the scene. "What is everyone eating?" he asked.

"Partner," began the pepper man, "These here are peppers. What don't you give one a try."

"I've never seen a pepper like that," said the Frenchman. "I believe I will try one." The technician picked up a pepper and was about to pop it into his mouth when the pepper man interrupted.

"Hold on now. Wait just a minute. If you really want to fully enjoy and experience the flavor and effect that it so richly deserves, there is a special way you need to eat that pepper."

"There is?"

"Yes sir, there is."

"Well, I certainly don't want to miss out on the experience. What do I need to do?"

"Here's what you do. First squeeze the end of the pepper until the juice starts to seep out a little."
"Okay, then what?"

"Then you want to smear the juice all over your lips. Right after that, pop that baby in your mouth, chew it hard three times and swirl the juice around in your mouth."

"Do I swallow it then?"
"If you can."

"What?"

"Just do as I say partner. Just do as I say."

"Okay. Here goes." the Frenchman squeezed the pepper, smeared the juice on his lips, chewed it three times and swirled the juice in his mouth. It was evident to everyone when the pain set in. The technician never got a chance to swallow. He barely had the muscle control to spit it out.

As all those gathered around began to laugh, the Frenchman said, "Em gunt tatchiw ew!"

"What did you say?" replied the pepper man.

A bystander answered, "I believe he's trying to say that he's going to kill you."

A chase ensued but was shorted lived due to the Frenchman's sudden loss of vision.

Several days passed before the technician's lips returned to their normal color and shape. After a few weeks, his vocal cords loosened and he was able to speak again. It became apparent that his anger had subsided when he spotted a French colleague of his about to test one of the pepper man's delectable treats. "Wait a minute," he shouted to his countryman. Don't eat that!"

The pepper man knew he'd be caught at his old trick. The colleague replied, "Why?"

Without missing a beat, the Frenchman replied, "If you really want to fully enjoy and experience the flavor and effect that it so richly deserves, there is a special way you need to eat that pepper..."

The Rise and Fall of the SUV

I don't understand the television ads that attempt to link the ownership of SUV's to aiding terrorism. The commercials are funded by "The Detroit Project" who believe that since Saudi Arabia is the third largest single oil supplier to the United States and fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on 9/11 were Saudi Arabian citizens, not to mention that Osama bin Laden was born a Saudi, that anyone who owns an SUV is aiding terrorism. I say, why stop there? Why pick on SUV's and leave out automobiles in general? How about a commercial that shows a guy filling up his gas can while the voiceover states, "Oil money supports some terrible things? Do you feel good about mowing your lawn?"

How about asphalt? Nobody is picking on that but it's a petroleum product too. How about a commercial that says, "If you use petroleum jelly on your baby's butt, you're giving guns to Al Qaeda." Maybe we need a public service announcement that says, "Your romantic dinner can do without the candles unless you want terrorists to blow something up," or "That designer wardrobe made with synthetic fibers is funding the deaths of innocent people." Sounds crazy doesn't it? That's because it is crazy.

Canada is the number one supplier of oil to the U.S. but if I see horse manure in the middle of the road I don't accuse the Canadian Amish of being terrorists. It just isn't so. I don't dispute that SUV's are gas guzzlers and that a lot of Americans seem indifferent to fuel conservation, however, I think The Detroit Project is looking at the wrong issue. The real threat created by SUV's is the soccer mom. Why doesn't The Detroit Project do something about that?