Kid Business

How would the world be if adults conducted business the way children do? For instance, one of my son's friends said to him, "I'll be your friend if you smell my sock."

"I don't want to smell your sock."

"I won't be your friend unless you smell my sock."

"Okay, I'll smell your sock."

That is the most dramatic test of friendship that I've ever heard. Anyone who will smell your sock is, indeed, a true friend. Now, let's put this example to a more practical use. Suppose you are the CEO of a major company and you are meeting with your lieutenants. "Before we start today's meeting, I want everyone to turn to the person sitting next to you and smell their socks. Go ahead everyone. Don't be shy."

Suppose you could seal a business deal this way way. "Mr. Johnson, I'm looking forward to working with you on this project. Please allow me to smell your sock."

"Of course Mr. Jackson but please allow me to smell yours as well."

The loyalty of an employee could be gauged in this manner. "Mr. Smith, can I trust that you will do what is right for the company?"

"Yes Mr. Jones and to prove it, I'll smell your sock."

Who could discredit a witness if this was common practice in the courtroom? "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"Yes your honor."

"Smell my sock and be seated."

No father would ever again doubt the intentions of his daughter's intended. "Sir, I'd like to ask for you daughter's hand in marriage by smelling your sock." And what better way to say "I love you" could there be? "Guess what George did last night at dinner?"

"Did he finally propose?"

"No. Even better."

"Oh, do tell!"

"He smelled my sock."

"Well, he must be serious then!"

Congress should open with "The Smelling of the Socks." It should be a practice required of all diplomats. How could wars possibly start if our world leaders were smelling each others socks? "We can't break our international trreaty with Slobovia. We've smelled socks for crying out loud." Perhaps this is a custom that should be adopted by society as a whole. So remember this when you see your friends or loved ones and always ask to smell their socks. It is sure to bring you closer together.

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Electric Weather Man

My wife and received a letter from the power company that contained an offer for monthly payments based on annual usage. Since the monthly payments would be the same each month, we decided to join the plan to make budgeting a little easier. Several days after signing up, we were graced with a call from a power company representative. We had a few questions that needed answering.

"Why is it that our monthly payments seem to be more than our actual monthly average?"

"We base your rate on what you have been paying monthly plus any extra services that you are getting. In other words, we take an average of your billings and then add your extra services such as street lights and surge protection."

"Okay, well that still doesn't make sense."

"How doesn't it make sense?"

"When I look at our monthly average I only include the services once."

"So do we."

"But you just said that you take what we are have been paying monthly, right?"

"Yes, plus any additional services."

"Okay but what we pay monthly includes those services, right?"

"Yes."

"And then you add those services again?"

"Well, no. That isn't what I meant."

"But that is what you said."

"Trust me, we aren't charging you twice for services."

"Then why is our average higher?"

"We also take into account for future weather conditions."

"Future weather conditions?"

"Yes."

"So you know what the weather is going to be like, say, a year from now?"

"We have people who forecast the weather."

"You do?"

"Yes"

"Okay. Why didn't they tell anyone when all those hurricanes and tornadoes were going to happen this year?"

"Well, actually our forecasters aren't quite that good."

"So how can they predict that my electrical usage is going to increase due to the weather?"

"Our forecasters knew that it was going to be a bad year for hurricanes and probably a bad year for tornadoes but they couldn't pinpoint exact dates."

"Do you know what?"

"What?"

"I didn't see any tornadoes this year and I live too far inland to really worry about hurricanes but I still wonder how your forecasters know that my electrical usage is going to increase due to the weather. Are they using the Farmers Almanac?"

"I really don't know."

"They are aren't they?"

"I couldn't hazard a guess."

"Oh come on now. You can tell me."

"I'm really unsure but I do know that it involves years of research."

"Okay, it's like this; I really don't believe that your average is higher than mine because of the weather. Would you like to know why I think that?"

"Yes I would."

"It's because when I add my average usage to the cost of my additional services and then add my additional services to that figure, I come up with, to the exact penny, the monthly amount the power company says they want me to pay. In essence, you're double dipping."

"I'll have to check into that for you."

"Please do that."

"Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"As a matter of fact I have one more question."

"I'll do my best to answer it for you if I can."

"Based on our conversation I'm sure that you can."

"What would you like to know?"

"Is it supposed to rain tomorrow?"

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Vanished

Once upon a time there was a machine in a factory and the machine broke. As much as they tried, nobody at the factory was able to fix the machine, so a technician from the machine manufacturer was called in to work on it. The technician had been working on the machine for several hours when one of the factory workers noticed that he was missing. "Have you seen the technician?" he asked his supervisor.

"No, I haven't." replied the supervisor.

"I don't know where he could be." said the worker.

Let's see if we can find him," said the supervisor.

So the worker and his supervisor began looking for the technician. They looked in the breakroom. They looked in the bathrooms. They checked in all the various departments of the factory including the office. They searched the parking lot and all around the building itself. They could find no trace of the technician.

They started asking the other factory employees if they had seen the technician. Everyone said that they had not. The supervisor and the factory worker were becoming very concerned. They decided that it was time to get the maintenance team involved.

The maintenance team began to take apart the ductwork overhead to look for the technician. They moved air compressors and heating units and many other large machines. By this time, everyone had stopped what they were doing in order to get involved with the search. Trash piles were sifted and machines were disassembled but still no sign of the technician.

The supervisor called the entire department into his office to discuss the emergency. He gave an eloquent speech about how not enough was being done to find the technician and that nobody would leave until the man was found. "We have a man out there who is depending on us to find him, and find him we shall!" Everyone was moved.

But just as the supervisor was ending his speech, there was a knock at the office door. There stood the technician. "Where have you been?" asked the supervisor. The crowd cheered and applauded as the technician had been found.

The puzzled technician replied, "I went to the hardware store to get a bolt."

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Purchase Order

Let's just say that you have a job where there is a machine that melts polymer, plastic in other words, and pushes it through tiny holes. Let's say that the afore mentioned machine happens to be at a major educational institution and that you need to order something to clean excess polymer from said machine. The machine would be one that is very delicate and would require a special element of cleaning that would insure against scratches or damage. Imagine a conversation with the folks in charge of paying the bills when they question the devices you have ordered to clean the machine.

"I am wondering why you would be ordering ten barbeque grill brushes."

"We use them to clean."

"Barbeque grills? You aren't supposed to have a barbeque grill."

"We don't."

"Then why do you need brushes to clean them?"

"We use the brushes to clean machines. The bristles are brass and therefore don't scratch the metal parts."

"Okay, I can go along with that, however, can you explain to me why you have ordered five gun cleaning kits?"

"We also use them to clean."

"You are not supposed to possess firearms on campus."

"We don't have any guns. We use the gun cleaning kits to clean machines."

"So let me get this straight, you don't have any barbeque grills and you don't have any guns but you need grill brushes and gun cleaning kits to clean machines."

"Yes, that is correct."

"Do any of these machines fire projectiles?"

"No the machines do not fire any type of projectile."

"And they don't use any kind of charcoal?"

"They do not use charcoal."

"I think I'm clear on the barbeque brushes but I don't understand the need for gun cleaning kits if you don't have guns."

"Should we get some guns?"

"I can't approve any purchases of firearms and no you shouldn't get any guns. You are not allowed to have them here. I do, however, need to be clear as to why you need to purchase gun cleaning kits."

"The kits contain cleaning devices that alow us to clean out small holes on certain machinery."

"So you are using them to clean machines."

"Okay, thank you for you time."

"You're welcome."