Toy Story

My five-year-old son is a big fan of the movie "Toy Story," so when McDonalds offered the two main characters, Woody and Buzz Lightyear as "Happy Meal" toys, my son had to have them both. We weren't interested in buying any of the fat laden food from the fast food establishment but only wanted the toys. My family and I pulled up to the drive through window and my wife spoke into the microphone, "Do you have a Woody?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you have a Woody? I need a Woody."

"Did you just ask me if I have a Woody?"

"Yes. I have to have a Woody."

"Oh, you want a Woody? Is that all?"

"No, I need a Buzz too. Do you have a Buzz?"

"I did have a Buzz. I'll check. Please pull ahead."

Realizing how all of this must sound, my wife and I were using all of our might to keep from laughing. We arrived at the window and the clerk said, "I have a Buzz but I don't have a Woody."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes ma'am. I checked and couldn't find a Woody anywhere."

"Okay, well just give me a Buzz then."

"Yes ma'am."

"Wait!" We heard another clerk calling. "I have a Woody! I have a Woody" Heads were turning as the announcement was made.

We paid for the Woody and Buzz Lightyear and were on our way. Our son was happy and my wife and I had had a good laugh at the expense of a major fast food franchise. Everything was as it should be.

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Going for the Gold

I recently read an article that claimed the eating the contents inside one's nose is beneficial to one's health. That's right. Your eye's don't deceive you. You read that correctly. According to Dr. Friedrich Bischinger, an Innsbruck, Austria based lung specialist, eating boogers is good for you. It could have positive health effects including more happiness and helping folks to be more in tune with their bodies. I kid you not, this is for real.

You just can't make up humor this good. Here is a quote. "With the finger you can get to places you just can't reach with a handkerchief, keeping your nose far cleaner and eating the dry remains of what you pull out is a great way of strengthening the body's immune system."

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your friend's noses but you should embrace picking your own nose. Dr. Bischinger thinks we should encourage our children to do so. He says that children are willing participants but are taught by society that nose picking is wrong. "I would recommend a new approach where children are encouraged to pick their noses," he says.

"Medically it makes great sense and is a perfectly natural thing to do. In terms of the immune system the nose is a filter in which a great deal of bacteria are collected, and when this mixture arrives in the intestines it works just like a medicine. Modern medicine is constantly trying to do the same thing through far more complicated methods, people who pick their nose and eat it get a natural boost to their immune system for free."

So now I'm debating on whether or not to pick my nose. Does it taste like chicken? Nobody is looking and it is the prime opportunity but will God judge me poorly if I do? Would it be a sin? I guess it's too late to ponder the thought further. I've already gone for the gold.

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Night of the Living Dead

I knocked on the door of a friends house. "Come in!" I entered the house to find my friend and one of his brothers strewn about the floor in contorted positions as if they had been beaten to death. Heads turned around almost backwards, an arm underneath the torso, a foot dangling off a table, eyes fixed; it was a grisly sight. "Oh no!" I screamed. "They're dead! I began to cry as I shrieked, "They're dead. Oh who could have done this?" More tears and sobbing followed as I wailed, "I can't believe it! I'm going to go through their pockets and see if they have any money!" For a full five minutes I attempted to get them to talk or crack a smile to me but to no avail. They acted completely dead until, at last, one of them finally broke.

When my friend and I became roommates, this practice became the norm. Whenever someone knocked on the door we would assume our "dead" positions as fast as possible before calling out, "Come in!" It wasn't long before our friends would enter the house only to walk past us without giving our lifeless bodies a second thought. It was a contest to see who would break first. Five, ten, twenty minutes would pass. Drool streaming from our mouths as the marathon went on.

After my roommate and I had parted ways, his wife wanted to have a surprise birthday party for him. She asked me to help orchestrate the event by decorating their abode and greeting guests as they arrived. The night of the party was upon us and my friend's wife and her husband went out for a lovely birthday dinner. Unbeknownst to my friend, the secret preparations were underway and guests were rolling in.

Our stategically placed lookout reported that the birthday boy was on his way. The lights were turned off as we all awaited our friend's arrival. He opened the door and switched on the light to find thirty dead people strewn about his house.

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A Picture is Almost a Thousand Words

My son loves to draw pictures but it wasn't until the other day, as we rode in our car, that I actually commissioned him to create a masterpiece.

"Daddy," said my kindergartener. "I'm bored."

"Why don't you draw a picture for me?"

"What do you want me to draw?"

"I don't know. Draw anything you want."

"But what do you want me to draw?"

"I want you to draw what you want to draw," I said.

"I want to draw what you want me to draw," he said.

"Okay. Let's see. Why don't you draw the kids in your class?"

"Too many people."

"Why don't you draw the kids that sit at your table?"

"I don't want to draw those kids."

"Well, how about drawing our family?"

"I know!" exclaimed my son.

"Thank goodness," I thought.

"Daddy, do you want me to draw a road or grass?"

"Grass."

"I want to draw a road."

"Okay, a road would be nice."

"Do you want the picture to be daytime or night?"

"Night."

"Awwww." I could tell by this that my choice wasn't the popular choice.

"Daytime?"

"Yes. Do you want me to draw the moon in the daytime?"

"Sure. That would be nice."

"I don't want to draw the moon."

"How about the sun?" I replied.

"Okay, the sun."

"Do you want me to draw a car or a truck?"

"A truck."

"I think a car would be better."

"But I want you to draw a truck," I said.

"I already drew a car."

"Oh. Okay."

"What kind of car do you want; Ford or GMC?" asked my son.

"How about Ford?"

"Oh ,man! I already wrote GMC on it."

"That's okay. GMC is good."

"What kind of building do you want me to draw?"

"A school."

"Okay, I'll draw it if there is enough room after I draw the police station."

"Sounds good."

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I don't have room to draw a school. What else do you want me to draw?"

"Draw some clouds."

"Clouds! Yes! Then what?"

"How about a school?"

"I told you there isn't enough room," he complained.

"I really wanted a school."

"No room Daddy."

"Is there room for a mailbox?"

"I think so."

"Good. I think there should be a mailbox."

"What next?"

"A street light."

"No room."

"A dumpster."

"No room."

"Flowers?"

"Um maybe. Nope. No room."

"How about..."

My son interrupted, "Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I think the picture is done."

"And a wonderful picture it is."