Interview
My wife and a friend were talking about the worst television shows that were currently aired by the networks when the friend mentioned the show that she disliked the most. It happened to be a show that my wife regularly watched. My wife said, "That reminds me. I was shopping at Wal-Mart when I was interviewed for a TV promotional ad."
"Really?" said the friend. " When does it come on?"
"It's supposed to come on tonight at 8:00 PM on the XYZ Network."
"I'll be sure and watch it," exclaimed the friend"
The following day my wife was got a phone call from her friend. "I didn't see you in any commercials last night."
"Oh really?" chuckled my wife.
"No, but I did sit through an entire episode of that show you like but I cant stand while waiting for it to come on."
My wife laughed, "Maybe I got the time wrong."
"You know," said the friend, "my husband is expecting to watch a football game tonight but there is a movie that I want to watch that comes on the XYZ Network at the same time. I wonder how I can get him to forget about the game and watch the movie with me?"
My wife said, "Weren't you interviewed for a TV promotional ad today while shopping at Wal-Mart."
"Not yet," replied the friend. "I have to go shopping first."
Revolution
Five-years-old seems to be an age where a child will rebel against the word "no." I know my son knows what the word means because, when told "no," he will respond by saying "no." I have no idea where he gets this trait. It must be something he has picked up from school.
I never had that problem when I was his age. I never went against my parents wishes. Well, except for that one time when I locked myself to the dining room table and my brother had to come home to release me because my mom couldn't figure out how to work the combination lock. Oh yes, there was that time when I was told not to play around the house that was being built down the street but I crawled around in the attic, fell through the new sheetrock and my dad had to pay for it. And there was the incident when I painted my name with nail polish on the brick fireplace hearth after explicitly being told not to touch the fingernail polish. Once, I was told not to play with matches and burned my thumb moments afterwards. Then there was the time when I was told not to swim too far out into the ocean but I did anyway. My dad almost drowned while saving my life.
So you see, I was a good kid. Where does my kid get it from?
Going to the Line
I have a great dog. He's as smart as they come and, to top it off, he loves to catch a Frisbee. That's not bad for a pound puppy. He and my son are the best of buddies. The dog has proven himself to be a loving family pet, an alert watch dog and a protective defender. Like I said, I have a great dog.
The only problem I have ever had with the hound was when he decided that he was too confined by the fence around the perimeter of the yard. To solve the problem, I installed an "invisible fence" that emits a small charge of electricity when he gets too close to the fringes of the yard. He was trained almost instantly, however, if a Frisbee goes too far, he will risk being shocked to get it. Did I mention that he loves to catch a Frisbee?
Until recently, I have spent considerable time throwing Frisbee with the dog. He will catch it as long as someone is there to throw it. The problem lately has been that I have injured my right hand and since I am right handed and not very proficient with my left, it makes it difficult for me to throw as well as my canine companion would like.
One day after a few bad throws where he ended up getting zapped by the "invisible fence," he brought his flying disk to my wife instead of me. As she would get ready to throw, our pooch would make a break for the center of the yard in anticipation. Her throws were consistently flying down the center of the yard and each time the dog would get a head start, lining himself up for the shot.
"Oh, come on boy," I said. "Give me another chance." Amazingly the dog dropped the Frisbee at my feet. I picked it up with my left hand, proud that man's best friend hadn't lost faith in his master. He took off into the yard in anticipation of my throw, not the center of the yard where my wife had been throwing but near the perimeter of the "shock line" where I had thrown earlier. Not only that but he was obviously expecting a short shot.
I knew I had to prove myself. Now was the time for a perfectly centered shot. I must not let my dog down. My left hand curled back and with force and grace I executed the perfect throw. The Frisbee sailed towards the center of the yard before taking a sharp left hand dive directly over the head of my dog. He went for it. Zap!
He trotted towards us, eyes looking up at me, as he passed me by to drop the Frisbee at my wife's feet.Howdy Neighbors
Once upon a time there was a man named Andy who moved his family into a fine new house in a fine new neighborhood. Well, it was new to him but, all in all, that's just fine. Andy's family loved their new abode. They had good neighbors, a fenced in yard with woods in the back. They felt secure knowing that the Fireman's Club was located just on the other side of the woods.
They had been residents of the neighborhood for about three weeks when they decided to have a barbeque in the backyard. A grand time was had by all and everyone felt that wonderful sense of satisfaction that can only be realized by consuming food in the great outdoors. Yes, sweaty meat cooked over an open flame, prepackaged potato chips cooked in cotton seed oil, perhaps even a hotdog or two made from the spare parts of swine. They had such a good time that nobody even gave a thought to the potential heart stopping foods they so readily enjoyed.
The following morning, Andy went into his backyard and checked the coals from the fire of the previous night. "These are all cold," he said silently to himself. "Since they are cold and there is no chance of them igniting again, I'll toss them over the fence by the woods. Yes, that's what I'll do." And that's exactly what Andy did. "After all, ashes will help the forest to grow and besides, if there is a fire, the Fireman's Club is on the other side of the woods. They like putting out fires."
Later that day as Andy enjoyed the carefree life at his new home, his daughter casually approached him, screaming at the top of her lungs, "Dad! Fire! There's a fire!" Sure enough, the woods behind the house were on fire. Fortunately, a friendly neighbor had already called the fire department who promptly came to put out the fire. I guess the Fireman's Club was having their meeting at the bowling alley that night.
What a way to make your presence known in the neighborhood. Live there for three weeks and set the woods on fire. What better way is there to say, "Howdy neighbors! We're here! Look at us! We're special!"
One of the fireman approached Andy, "Sir, you didn't by chance dump coals on the other side of your fence did you?"
"Well," said Andy, "you know as a matter of fact I did."
"Don't do that anymore."
"Okie Dokey"
Now whenever Andy sees one of his new neighbors, he promptly says, "Hey, why don't you come over tonight. We're having a barbeque. Just bring a stick."
And they all lived happily ever after.
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