Assistant
He had recently been hired to promote the activities of the department. It was being explained, that as part of his duties, it would be expected that he prepare and present a series of computer generated slide shows during the course of the year. “l usually just gather data for these sorts of things and have my assistant put them together for me,“ he said.
His associate responded, “Your assistant?“ It was obvious that this man had been spoiled by working in the private sector and was green to the ways of state government. “Okay. You're absolutely right. You need to meet your assistant and meet him right now you shall.“
The associate dials a number on his cellular phone and hands the phone to the new member of the staff. The phone on the new employee's desk begins to ring. “You'd better answer that,“ said the associate. “It's your assistant.“
Combined Services
Everyone knows that it has been possible to send cable TV signals and broadband Internet signals together using the same lines. Telephone communications and DSL have been using the same lines for years but now, for the first time ever, fresh water and sewage will use the same lines as well.
The town of Traf, Indiana will be the first to take this leap of modern technology. The mayor of Traf and part time village idiot, George Gustopholonilovitlh said, "This is a positive step in the right direction. Using the cost effective force of flushing individual toilets, we will eliminate expensive pumping stations and water towers."
When asked about the health ramifications of mixing fresh drinking water and sewage in the same pipes, the mayor stated, "We intend to use only the left side of the pipes for sewage and the right side for fresh water. People will just need to be careful and only use the faucet on the right." The mayor went on the say that area farmers love the idea since they can now water their fields and fertilize at the same time.
They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To
I had an old 1939 model carding machine in my lab that had a broken gear. Since I am so sure that everyone has the knowledge of what a carding machine is and has at least one in their barn, basement or garage, I won't go into detail as to what the machine actually does. The important think to know is that the machine was very old and needed a replacement part. Actually, the fact that the machine is a carding machine is irrelevant. Now that I've explained the irrelevancy of what the machine is, let's discuss the relevant issue.
The manufacturer of the machine had long since been out of business and I knew that the gear would, more than likely, be hard to find. I called several companies and was finally directed to a company that could possibly help me. "I need a gear for an old Davis and Furber carding machine," I told the gentleman on the phone.
"I can probably help you," I was told. "We have a lot of Davis and Furber parts. Do you know the model?"
I replied, "The machine doesn't have a model number but it's an old roller top model. It's one of the small ones used for testing."
"I am familiar with that type. As a matter of fact, I once worked for Davis and Furber and built most of those. I probably built that one."
"I don't think you built this one."
"Actually, I probably did."
"I don't think you did. How old are you?"
"Fifty-two."
"My machine was built in 1939."
"I don't think I built that one."
"Do you still think you have the gear?""It's very possible. We are the international distributor for the old Davis and Furber machines and we still manufacture parts for them."
"So, you are the representative for the now defunct Davis and Furber."
"Yes, that's right."
"Does that mean the gear is still under warranty through you guys?"
"I think the warranty has probably expired."
"Well, the gear I have is defective."
"How do you know that?"
"It only lasted sixty five years."
"They just don't make them like they used to."
Great Costume
I was leaving a restaurant one Halloween night as I noticed several police officers waiting for inebriated patrons to get into their cars. For several days the restaurant had advertised their Halloween party complete with drink specials. It was evident that law enforcement saw this as a perfect opportunity to stop people from driving under the influence. As an obviously drunk customer got behind the wheel of a car, an officer would pounce just a soon as the car engine roared to life. It appeared that the police were having booming success.
Now, I probably would have forgotten about this event and it would have gone unnoticed by me except for one particular gentleman I happened to see. He staggered out of the restaurant and made his way up to one of the officers. "Hey pal. Would you mind helping me find my car?" he said.
"Are you sure you can drive?" remarked the officer.
"I'm fine to drive." slurred the man as he spotted his car. "I think my car is over there."
Along with half the police department, I watched the man negotiate his way across the parking lot to his car with the officer at his side. He took his keys out of his pocket and fumbled with them before opening the door to his auto. "Thanks for the help buddy and I must say that you have outdone yourself on your costume."
Just after the man had inserted his keys into the ignition, the officer put handcuffs on the mans wrists. "Don't you think your taking this cop thing a little too far," said the man.The officer replied, "No but I do think you've taken this drinking thing a little too far."
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