Private and Urgent
From: Mr. Hamza Martins
African Development Bank(ADP)
Lagos - Nigeria.Sir;
PRIVATE AND URGENT.
I am contacting you on business transfer of a huge haggis from a deceased man's freezer. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. We decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.PROPOSITION;
We discovered an abandoned haggis that belongs to one of our foreign customers by name Salah Adam, Toronto who died along with his entire family in the plane crash of 31 October, 1999 on board the Egyptian Airline 990 alongside other passengers.Since his death, none of his next-of-kin or relations has come forward to lay claims to this haggis as the heir. We cannot release the haggis from his freezer unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our guidelines.
Upon this discovery, we now seek your permission to have you stand as next of kin to the deceased as all documentations will be carefully worked out by us for the haggis to be released in your favor as the beneficiary's next of kin. It may interest you to know that we have secured from the probate an order of mandamus to locate any of deceased beneficiaries.
Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business endeavor by furnishing me with the following;
1. Beneficiary name and address
2. Direct Telephone and fax numbersThese requirements will enable us file letter of claim to the appropriate departments for necessary approvals in your favor before the transfer can be made. We shall be compensating you with two thirds of the haggis on final conclusion of this project, while the rest shall be for us for investment purposes.
If this proposal is acceptable by you, do not take undue advantage of the trust we have bestowed in you, I await your urgent mail.
Regards,
Mr. Hamza Martins.The Good Old Dates
Back when I was a young high school student, I wanted to ask a particular young lady out on a date. Finally mustering up the courage to do so, I drove to the drive through restaurant where she worked. At the window, she took my order and told me how much money I owed.
Within a few minutes, I could see a silhouette approaching the window. I looked in my wallet for the correct amount as the window opened. Without looking up from my wallet I nervously asked, "Do you want to go out later after you get off of work?"
As the last syllable of the last word of my sentence rolled off my tongue, I looked up towards the window and was horrified to see a shriveled up elderly woman with her wrinkled hand extended outward to take my money.
"Sure thing honey," the grizzled old woman said. "I get out of here at eight. Try to be here on time, okay sugar?"
Once a high school kid gets a reputation for asking out the elderly it's hard for him to get a date with someone his own age. My friends would say things like, "It's true that guys want to marry someone just like dear old mom but aren't you pushing things a little too far?"
I did, however, get a chance to ask the young lady out on a date but much to my chagrin, she had been witness to my mistakenly asking the little old lady. "It's not so much that you hit on an old lady," she told me. "It's that you hit on an old lady and then stood her up."
I tried to explain that it was all a misunderstanding and that it was her and not the old lady who I went to the restaurant to as. My breath was wasted.
"If I want to go out with someone," she explained, "I generally ask that person instead of their geriatric co-workers.
"But I thought it was you," I desperately explained.
With raised eyebrow she glared. "You mean you couldn't tell the difference?"
The incident left an indelible mark on my life and I still avoid driving past the local retirement home. Not because of the memories it invokes. No, it's more because of the cat calls. It's seems the old folk's whistling embarrasses my wife and kid.
The Tickle Guy
Goose Chase
It was supposed to be easy to build. Nothing was further from the truth. The directions were ridiculously difficult to understand, none of the parts lined up and just about everything had to be forced into place. The kit was a nightmare to build but finally, after several days, my son's swing set was complete. The only things it needed were anchors to keep it from tipping over while being used. Naturally, the anchors were not included in the kit.
I ventured out to Home Depot, the hardware superstore, in search of anchors. I asked someone in the "fasteners" section. "They usually keep them over by the swing sets."
"Where would I find the swing sets?" I asked.
I think their over by lumber."
I journeyed past half of the store to the lumber section and made a thorough examination of the area before coming to the conclusion that the area was void of swing sets. I asked another clerk, "I'm looking for swing set anchors. Do you know where I might find them?"
"I think they keep them with the swing sets," was the reply.
"Okay, great. Can you point me in the direction of the swing sets?"
"Sure. They're in the garden center."
I walked the full length of the store to the other side where the garden center is located and found a sales person. "I'm looking for swing set anchors."
"Check over by the swing sets."
"Where can I find the swing sets?"
"I'm not sure. We might be sold out of them. Try checking with customer service."
"I traveled back to the center of the store to the customer service desk. There were a half dozen people in line and the service person was on the phone with another customer. Just a soon as the service person would get off the phone, it would ring again and she would answer it before helping anyone in line. This had happened several times during the next fifteen minutes when I decided to pull out my cell phone and dial the number to Home Depot.
The phone rang, the service person answered. "Home Depot. Can I help you?"
"Yes you can. I'm looking for swing set anchors," I said. "Do you have any in stock?"
"Yes sir," said the woman standing ten feet away from me. People began to notice what I was doing. "I believe we have plenty of them left."
"Can you show me where they are? I have been all over this store and everyone keeps sending me to a different department."
She looked up and realized with whom she was speaking." with a look of surprise, she pointed at an aisle and said, their on aisle twelve sir."
As I thanked her for her help, I noticed what the six other people in line were doing. All of them were on their cell phones waiting for customer service to answer.
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