Tech Support
People are always complaining about their computers. A friend of mine was whining that his computer always crashes. "I have to reboot fifty times a day," he exclaimed. "Do you have this problem?"
"No. I never have that problem. I never reboot my computer."
"Never?"
"Nope."
"What operating system are you using? Are you using XYZ? That's what I use and I've been having problems."
"Oh, well then that's definitely the problem."
"Do you think so? What do you use?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? You have to know. It should say what it is every time you start your computer."
"I've never started my computer."
"You mean to tell me that your computer has never been turned off since you got it?"
"No. I mean that it has never been plugged in and turned on."
"You're kidding me, right?"
"Yes I am."
"Ahhh! I thought so."
"Do you want me to tell you how you can make your computer more than twice as fast as it is now? It's easy and anyone can do it."
"Sure, that sounds good."
"It is. As a matter of fact, I've enjoyed my computer much more since it was sped up."
"Okay, how can I do it?"
"First, go to the top floor of a very tall building. Second, throw your computer out of the window. I guarantee that your computer will be going at least twice as fast as it was before you threw it out the window."
"Very funny."
"It's a gift."
Job Hunt
Should you find yourself unemployed in the state where I live, in order to receive unemployment benefits you must actively look for work. Now, the agency that oversees this process will help you in your search for employment but many of the places they send you are much less than desirable. Therefore, I have come up with a surefire way to insure that those kinds of jobs are never obtained and the benefit checks keep rolling in.
You can achieve this goal by simply elaborating on the qualifications of your references. "Please feel free to contact any and all of my references. They were all good prison buddies."
"You've been to prison?"
"Well, no. Except for that one time for twenty years if you want to count that but, according to my lawyer, since getting out I've been squeaky clean."
"How long have you been out?"
"What time is it now?"
"You were released today?"
"Well, yes but it seems like yesterday."
"I'm sorry but I don't think you're the person we're looking for to fill this position."
"That's okay but can you sign this form?"
Lillington Food
Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the local Walmart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.
"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."
"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"
"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."
"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"
"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a couple more months."
"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"
"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
A few weeks later my wife and I were discussing dinner plans. "What would you like to eat?" she asked.
"What do you think about going out to eat tonight?"
"That sounds good to me. Where would you like to go?"
"Well, I would say Golden Corral but they won't be open for a couple more months."
"Nah, I wouldn't want to go there anyway," she said. "I like Lillington food better."
Which Country?
Near my house out in the middle of nowhere, there is an old building with a few archaic gas pumps in front of it. A big lettered banner that says "Country Store" hangs in front of the tiny establishment. The notion of a country store conjured up memories of my southern youth when I often visited stores like this for a pack of "nabs" and a coke. These types of stores were always a mom and pop operation run by local country folk.
I decided to pull in to check things out. The first thing I noticed when I walked up to the front door of the store was an old drink box and a cooler full of night crawlers. Man, that brought back memories. I walked inside and the next thing I noticed, much to my surprise, was the pungent aroma of curry. In the background played a tune that would charm a cobra out of a basket. I picked up a pack of "nabs" and a coke and took it to the East Indian gentleman sitting behind the counter. "How do you like our country store?" he asked with a thick accent.
"It brings back a lot of childhood memories," I laughed as I looked around at the massive array of East Indian products adorning the store.
As I got in my car and drove towards town, I took another look at the big banner with the words "Country Store." I wondered what country they were talking about.
I chuckled thinking about it as I entered a Chinese restaurant to pick up the order I had called in. As I walked up to the takeout counter I was greeted by an East Indian gentleman. "For here or to go? he smiled."
I looked around for Rod Serling.
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