Work at Home
I keep getting Spam emails that beg me to take advantage of a home based business opportunity. I decided to take matters into my own hands by setting up a bogus email account and replying to one of them.
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your kind email regarding your home based business. I am sure you mean well when you say, "Now, you too can work at home," but to some of us that may be deemed offensive.
You see, I already work at home. I cook, clean, do laundry, pay the bills and cut the grass. Now you want to pile more stuff on me? And to think that you want me to send you money so you can tell me how to do it. Are you out of your cotton picking mind? I have a four-year-old who is over qualified in the area of providing me with work and he does it for free. Perhaps he can give you some pointers in this area.
I am sure that Mrs. Frank Garth has made millions stuffing envelopes in her spare time. If you paid me twenty seven cents per envelope and I could fold letters and stuff them into an envelope every five seconds, non-stop, for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, then I too could make the twenty thousand dollars a month that Mrs. Steve Rengalski of Omaha, Nebraska pulls in. I'm just wondering when these women have time to clean their toilets but then again their toilets probably don't get dirty because these women don't have time to pee.
Thanks again for your kind offer but I must decline at this time, you idiot.
Best regards,
Roberta Byron
No response has yet been received.
Read the Label
It is a proven scientific fact that washing ones hands with soap on a regular basis will dramatically cut down on the spread of germs and lessen a person’s chance of contracting disease. It is for this reason that I attempt to always wash my hands with soap before leaving the men’s room. I use the word “attempt” because there are times when I’m away from home when either there isn’t any soap available or the dispenser is broken.
The lavatory soap dispensers at my place of business are infamous for their unstable reliability and as I walked up to the sink I noticed a bottle of pink soap on the counter. Attempting to use both dispensers proved my suspicion that the bottle of soap was in place because both dispensers were out of order. I picked up the bottle, poured some soap into my hands and began to lather up.
When I set the bottle back on the counter, something caught my eye. It was a long list of warnings. They included things like, don’t drink this, don’t get this in your eyes and a few other basic things one would expect. However, the last warning was one that disturbed me. It read, “If this product comes in contact with your skin, rinse with cold water for fifteen minutes and seek immediate medical attention.” Now this is the same pink soap I have been pumping out of the dispensers for years. I had no idea that this stuff came with any warnings much less one that warned against getting it on your skin.
About the time that I finished scouring the pink toxin from my hands and just before calling 911, the facilities person in charge of custodial services happened to walk in. “Take a look at this label,” I said. “Isn’t this the same stuff that we have used here for years?”
“Yep.”
“Do you see what’s on the label?”
“Yep.”
“Do you think we should maybe switch to something a little milder?
“Probably so. I’ll look into it.”
I felt good. I had made a difference. There is no way of knowing how many peoples lives I potentially saved by reporting this dangerous product that my co-workers and I had used every single day. I was the Ralph Nader of the office, the consumer activist, I felt I had saved a whale. I went home that day with a feeling of true accomplishment.
The following day I went into the men’s room expecting to see big changes. There was a change but I must say that it wasn’t big. The same bottle of pink soap was on the counter. The label had been removed.
There Is So Much To Know
My son is known to say the strangest things right out of the blue. I had just introduced the four-year-old to a friend of mine when he said, "I don't spit in the house. I spit in the grass." On another occasion while at the grocery store, my son told a perfect stranger, "I burp and toot at home but not here."
I wonder what prompts him to blurt out things to people like, "My dog pees in the house sometimes but I don't." We were in the car one day when he yells, "There is so much to know!" It made me wonder whether or not his staements are just random or well thought out profound statements.
I imagine my son as a young man in his twenties trying to impress a young lady with his eloquent speech. "Would you like to go back to my place? I don't spit in the house. I only spit in the grass."
She will say something silly like, "What did you just say?"
"My dog pees in the house but I don't. I use the potty like a big boy."
"Excuse me?"
"However, I do tend to burp and toot at home."
She'll tell him something like, "It's been nice talking to you but please leave me alone."
He will say, "There is so much to know."
As I thinking about all this I begin to chuckle. My son is innocently playing with some cars on the floor of the living room. I look at him and say, "Do you know what, son?"
"What Daddy?"
"I love you," I tell him.
"Then he says, "Daddy, do you know what?"
"My eyes get a twinkle as I ask, "What son?"
My son looks at me with the look that only a child can give to his parent as he says, "The doors at my doctor's office open all by themselves."
U-Haul
My wife and I recently bought a new home. Being in need of a mode of transportation that could accommodate a house full of stuff, I started shopping the Internet for the availability of rental trucks in our area. After looking at several of the dealers, I decided that the one most suited to our needs was U-Haul. I filled out the online form complete with a small deposit to reserve a truck for the following Saturday morning at 9:00 AM at the location of my choice, Williams Grocery, a mere mile from my current home and on the way to my new abode.
About an hour later, I receive a confirmation email stating that everything is “go” and that the U-Haul coordinator for my area will be calling me within forty-eight hours of my scheduled pickup time to confirm the details. I marveled at the smoothness and ease of U-Hauls online system.
A couple of days before our move, a U-Haul representative calls to say, “You are all set Mr. Byron. I have your truck reserved and you can pick it up at our Cary location at 3:00 PM Saturday.”
“3:00 PM? My confirmation said 9:00 just like I had asked.”
“No sir. I have you down for 3:00 PM.”
“I’m looking at the confirmation now. It clearly states 9:00 AM and not only that but you have me picking it up at a U-Haul location that is twenty miles out of my way. You have it all wrong.”
“Is 3:00 PM a problem?”
“Considering that I have people showing up at my house at 9:00 AM to help me move, yes, I would consider that a problem.”
“Could you have them come later?”
“Perhaps you could rent me a truck at 9:00 AM.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
The representative put me on hold for about five minutes before coming back. “I have a truck available for you at 8:00 AM, but, well, you’ll have to pick it up at Williams Grocery.”
“Williams Grocery?”
“Yes sir. I’m sorry but it’s the only one I could find on such short notice.”
“Okay, first of all, you had over a weeks notice and second, Williams Grocery is the location that I first requested. I don’t understand why you didn’t just honor my request in the beginning.”
“I didn’t have that information sir.”
“You didn’t have a copy of the confirmation that was sent to me?”
“Yes, I have that.”
“What does it say?”
“It says Williams Grocery at 9:00 AM.
“Then why did you set me up for 3:00 PM in Cary?”
“Our computers make the best match based on the information that you provide.”
“I don’t think they do.”
“Our system is really very reliable.”
“I don’t think it is.”
“Sir, do you still want the truck?”
“Oh, I think I do.”
“Do you want the 3:00 PM or the 8:00 AM?”
“I believe I’ll go with the 8:00 AM.”
“Thank you for calling U-Haul.”
“You called me.”
Click.
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