Pop-Tart, Call Collect, Basic Thinking, The Triangle One

Pop-Tarts

The Kellogg's Company makes a jelly filled pastry product called Pop-Tarts. This is a product that my four-year-old some is particularly fond of, especially the strawberry flavored variety. I have read various articles on the Internet about the incendiary quality of the strawberry flavored Pop-Tart. It seems that if this type of Pop-Tart is exposed to sufficient amounts of heat, it will burst into flames. However, this story has nothing to do with flaming strawberry flavored filling Pop-Tarts. No, this story has to do with laboratory rats. You think I'm kidding but I'm not.

As I stated earlier, my son has strong liking for strawberry Pop-Tarts. So much in fact that my wife and I have to hide them or he will eat all of them in one sitting if he can get away with it. As it is always better to partake of things in moderation, it is perhaps even more true for the strawberry Pop-Tart.

When I was in high school, my science class conducted a series of experiments on rats that involved strawberry Pop-Tarts. The control rat was fed only food designed for rats, another rat was fed half rat food and half strawberry Pop-Tarts and the last one was fed only strawberry flavored Pop-Tarts.

Initially, the second rat seemed to eat equal amounts of both foods. All of the rats seemed healthy with no noticeable change after a few days. At the end of the first week it was noticed that the second rat had completely stopped eating the rat food and was now eating the Pop-Tarts exclusively. All three rats still appeared to be healthy.

Sometime around the middle of the second week, rat number two seemed to be a bit sluggish as did the rat that had only eaten Pop-Tarts. At the end of the second week, the "Pop-Tart only" rat had died and it wasn't looking too good for rat number two. Rat number still appeared to be healthy. The experiment was aborted.

It worries me whenever I see an empty box of Pop-Tarts in the kitchen. I always investigate to make sure that my son hasn't eaten the whole box at one time. Will my son become a Pop-Tart junkie? Will I have to search through his room for his stash of the strawberry flavored pastry product? Will I find empty Pop-Tart wrappers under the seat of his car? Can I stop him from trying them at parties? I imagine him as a young adult on some street corner begging for money to satisfy his addiction. Perhaps he will be standing at a busy intersection with a sign that says, "Will work for Pop-Tarts." I must start now to do everything in my parental power to keep him from becoming a "Tarthead."

So let this be a lesson to you kids. Sit up straight, eat all your vegetables, brush after each and every meal and eat your Pop-Tarts in moderation. It won't be a pretty sight if you have to have your stomach pumped from a Pop-Tart overdose. Just think how stupid you'd look passed out on the kitchen table with a Pop-Tart in your hand and strawberry filling dribbling down your chin.
If you are already addicted and can't stop, there is help. Who am I kidding here? There isn't any help for Pop-Tart addiction. As a matter of fact, I think I'll have one now. That is if I can pry the box from the hands of my son.

Call Collect

"This is the operator. May I help you?"

"Yes. I'd like to place a collect call."

It was back in the days before cell phones and, while on a business trip, I decided to call my girlfriend collect. As was the usual procedure for a collect call at the time, I gave the operator the number and she attempted to make the connection. I knew not to speak right away when my party answered as the operator would have to give my identity and ask if my call would be accepted.

The phone rang twice and a familiar click was heard as my girlfriend lifted the receiver. "Hello."

It was at this point that I forgot that I had to wait for the operator to authorize the call. As soon as I heard the word "hello" I started breathing heavily into the phone much like that of the stereotypical obscene phone caller.

The operator interupted, "Sir! Do you mind?"

I began to laugh hysterically. My girlfriend, without waiting for the operator to identify the caller, accepted the charges for the call.

I'm sure that the operator still thinks about that desperate woman who accepted the collect obscene phone call.

Basic Thinking

In the laboratory that I manage, I often perform work for outside clients. During one particular case, a client called and asked that I manufacture a sample using four different materials. He said, "I want you to use fifty percent of material 'A,' fifty percent of material 'B,' fifty percent of material 'C' and ten percent of material 'D.'"

"Well, your percentages need to equal one hundred percent and you have just given me one hundred sixty percent."

"Oh, I did didn't I? Let's try fifty percent of material 'A,' twenty-five percent of 'B,' twenty-five percent 'C' and ten percent 'D.'"

"That's better but you're only down to one hundred ten percent. Why don’t we try forty-five percent 'A,' twenty-two and a half percent 'B,' twenty-two and a half 'C' and ten percent 'D?' That would give you one hundred percent."

He agreed to the breakdown but I was rather surprised that a chemist would have such a problem with basic math. He then added another variable that he wanted me to manufacture. "I'd like you to make another sample with the same percentages only substitute material 'E' in the place of material 'D.'"

"That's no problem. I'll start on it right away."

Then the client asked, "Which one do you plan to make first?"

"I guess I'll start with the ten percent 'D' sample."

"Good, very good. That's the one I'm most interested in. It should be the first priority. Which one do you plan to run second?"

"Umm, well, probably the one with ten percent of material 'E.'"

That's excellent. That's what I want to do because that ones even more important than the first one."

It was then that I realized why my client had such a difficult time with basic math. It was because he had a difficult time with basic thinking.

The Triangle One

When my son finally got to the point where he would use a public restroom, he would only use a urinal or the "triangle one" as he called it. So it was a big accomplishment when he finally decided it was okay to use a regular toilet while in public or, as he calls it, "the big one". As a four-year-old, his preference these days is to use "the big one like we have at home" rather than "the triangle one."

We were in a doctor's office when the urge struck and he asked to go to the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, my son took charge of the standard toilet while I took advantage of the "triangle one." We returned to the office and he announced to a room full of waiting patients, "I used the potty in the big toilet." Several people made positive remarks and gave him reinforcements on his achievement. There was a small round of applause.

It was then that he added, "And Daddy went in the triangle one."

I was a little embarrassed, almost as much as putting this story in print. However, the uncomfortable situation was made better as several people made positive remarks and gave me reinforcements on my achievement. There was a small round of applause.