My web site, Absolute Robeo, has an awards program called "The Gern Blanston Award." It started out more or less as a joke but I have found that there are a lot of folks who take the awards thing very serious. Too serious in fact. I tend to give the award to sites that are silly in some way but many of the winners are sites that are artistic, unique, odd or unusual in some way, shape or form.

Recently I gave a Korean web site the award for three basic reasons. First, the web site is visually very appealing. Second and third, well, I don't remember but I'm sure I had a second and third reason. The real reason that I mention this site is because of an email I received shortly after issuing the award. It is as follows:

"Hello! Absolute Robeo Awards Staff,

Thank you!!!! I received big gift and BIG HONOR today from you. Thank to you who evaluate during much times visiting my site. Respect you who is creating beauty always.

I attached Gern Blanston Award graphic of glory that receive from you to my Awards Won page.

Thank again!!!

Have during good time.

(Signature Omitted to protect the Engrish)"

As you can see, this fellow has an interesting grasp of the English language. I'm not saying that I'm an English professor or anything as I am not scared to strangle grammar without a moments notice, but this is pretty doggone bad. I couldn't help but reply.

"Thank for your kind message.

If I were you, I wouldn't get too excited about being awarded the Gern Blanston Award. It kind of means, well, nothing. It isn't exactly like getting the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval or anything like that. I certainly think that referring to the award as a "graphic of glory" is going just a wee bit overboard. At this point you have already won the award and any sucking up on your part is wasted.

I chose your site for the award because I was in a big honor handing out mood that day. At this time I would like to note that the award image is a "gif" image and not a "gift." It really isn't that big either as I believe the file size is under 15k.

Please do not think that I labored long in determining the qualifications of your site for the award. It took me one five minute visit. After carefully and painstakingly scrutinizing your site for moments, I flipped a coin, not once but three times, to decide if your site was worthy of the award. As luck would have it, you won the best two out of three. Well, okay so you didn't exactly win the best two out of three but I kept flipping the coin until you did win and that's the important thing.

I appreciate that I have gained your respect by creating beauty always. My friends tell me that I ooze beauty and that it radiates from my pores. I just can't help it. I guess those four years at beauty school really paid off in the end. My parents are so proud of me.

Rest assured that I will indeed have during good time. Not only that, I will have before good time, not to mention after good time. It's like we say here in America, 'Good times, great taste, McDonalds.' I think that says it all, don't you?

Best regards,

Robert Byron, aka Absolute Robeo Awards Staff

Recent reports have shown that the use of cell phones can cause pregnancy, a study says. As reported by Dr. Zachary Smith of the Afghanistan Institute of Nuclear Science, numerous cases of women becoming pregnant after using cell phones have been pouring in since the beginning of the study six months ago. "Women of child bearing age need to be aware that this phenomenon is of epic proportion. However, as of yet and for no explained reason, men do not seem to be effected. In all likelihood, it is because the males of our specie spend considerably less time on the phone than females. It's looks as if the cellular revolution could be over."

Lucille Derfiglioni was also a study participant and is concerned. "My husband and I already have five children so now I'm careful even when I talk to him. I remember that I became pregnant with our oldest child right after we bought our first cell phone. I should have put two and two together but since everyone else was doing it, I didn't give it a second thought. The bad thing is that I've talked to so many people on my cellular phone over the years that I don't even know if the kids belong to my husband."

Another participant, Gigi LaFontone stated, "I used to call my boyfriend on my cell phone all the time. Now I hardly call him and when he calls me I just let the phone ring. It's created an enormous amount of cellular tension between us."

Legislation is being introduced that would stop the use of cell phones by persons under the age of eighteen. Women who currently use cell phones should be aware that they are at risk if they continue to have unprotected cellular communication. People involved in casual cell phone usage are at higher risk, according to the study.

When hurricane Isabel came through my area there were a couple of instances when the power went out for short intervals due to the high gusts of wind produced by the storm. The power went out the first time when my son Malcolm and I were watching Scooby Doo, his favorite show. My son didn’t quite grab the concept of the TV being powered by electricity as he said, “Daddy, turn the TV back on.”

“I can’t. The power is out.”

“We need a new TV.”

“No we don’t. The TV uses electricity and there isn’t any electricity right now.”

“It’s broken. We need a new one.”

“It isn’t broken, son. It will come back on when the power comes back on.”

“It doesn’t run on batteries Malcolm. We have to wait until the power comes on.”

“Can you fix it?”

“No, we just have to wait.”

“I’ll fix it.”

My wife had just set up a few candles as our son got up to do who knows what. We both watched to see what Malcolm would do to repair the electricity problem as he walked into the bathroom and reached for the light switch.

At the exact moment that Malcolm flipped the switch, the power was restored. He stepped back as he gasped. Running into the living room as my wife and I cackled, he exclaimed with great surprise, “I fixed it! I fixed it!”

“Thanks Malcolm,” I said. “I don’t know what we would have done if you hadn’t fixed the power. You’re the best!”

Thirty minutes later, the power went out again. My wife and I observed Malcolm as he silently rose from his chair and made his way towards the bathroom. He flipped the switch. Nothing. Heavy sigh. He migrated into the kitchen and tried that switch. Nothing. Heavy sigh. He went upstairs and tried all the switches up there. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Heavy sigh, heavy sigh, heavy sigh.

Malcolm returned to the kitchen and tried that light switch again. Magically the power was restored as he flipped the switch but Malcolm, now a veteran repairman, wasn’t as excited as he was the first time the phenomena occurred. He simply looked at my wife and I as he walked past us and said matter of factly, “Fixed it again.”

Opening the mail one day, my wife discovered a sample credit card complete with a bogus sixteen-digit number assigned to "Your Name Here." Initially she gave it to our son to play with but I suggested that we keep it for a while for our own fun and games.

A few days later, I was dining at a local eating establishment where the service happened to be particularly bad. The waiter was slow, he got my order wrong and when my food arrived the second time it was exceptionally cold and had to be sent back again. He confessed to the first mishap by saying that he had mixed up my order with someone else's and apologized for the second by saying that he had forgotten about me.

An unacceptable length of time after finishing my meal, the waiter returned with my bill. Opening my wallet, I extracted the sample credit card and handed it to him. He smiled, thanked me and strolled towards the cash register. I watched as he attempted to run the card through the card reader to no avail. Puzzled, he examined the card before returning to my table to confront me.

"I'm sorry sir but this isn't a real credit card."

"What? Sure it is. I just got it the other day."

"No sir. It doesn't have a magnetic strip on the back."

It dawned on me that he hadn't noticed that the card failed to have a bonafide name on the front. "I'm telling you I just got it the other day. My name is clearly printed on the front."

The waiter looked at the name and said, "You're telling me that your name is Your Name Here?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Mr. Here, I'll be back in just a moment."

The waiter walked away and I assumed he was going to retrieve a manager. As soon as he was out of sight, I switched the card with a real card that looked almost identical to the fake. In a few moments the waiter returned with the manager.

"I understand there is some sort of misunderstanding regarding your method of payment?"

"Yes. The waiter doesn't seem to like my credit card."

"Is there something wrong with the card?"

"Not to my knowledge but he seems to think that it isn't a real credit card."

"May I see the card?"

"By all means," and I handed him the real card.

The manager examined the card, gave the waiter a look as if he had lost his mind before saying, "May I try this card again?"

"I don't see why not."

"I'll be right back sir."

The manager and the waiter walked over to the register. I watched as the manager swiped the card through the reader. I could see that the waiter was exclaiming that he didn't understand why the card working now since it hadn't before. He reiterated his opinion that the card was fake. The manager, without saying a word, just looked at him.

Returning to my table the manager apologized stating that there was no problem with the card and to make up for any embarrassment that may have been caused, there would be no charge for my dinner.

I feel very confident that if I had reported the horrendous service that the manager would not have charged me for dinner and it probably would have saved me a lot of time. However, using the bogus credit card was a lot more fun. I think I'll just hang on to it a while longer.