Americans celebrate Labor Day on the first Monday in the month of September each year. The day is set aside to honor the workers who have made contributions to the strength, prosperity, and well being of the United States. Labor Day honors no individual person, sect, race, or religion.

Just like the first Labor Day that was celebrated by the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock, many Americans enjoy a Turkey dinner with their family on this special occasion. It is not unusual to see groups of people singing Labor Day Carols throughout cities and towns across the country. Carved pumpkins adorn front porches and children, dressed in their Labor Day costumes, can be seen canvassing neighborhoods for candy and treats.

I have fond childhood memories of Labor Day Eve when my family would attend midnight Labor Day services at church. Arriving home after the service, I would have trouble sleeping from excitement and anticipation of Labor Day morning. Being the first one to awake, I would rush downstairs to look under the Labor Day tree to see what Labor Clause had left for me. Now that I am older, I look forward to giving my wife her heart shaped Labor Day card and box of chocolates as an offering of my devoted love.

My wish for you this Labor Day is that you have a prosperous year and that all of your Labor Day resolutions come to pass. Don't forget to send flowers to your mother and buy a tie for your dad. Be sure to salute the "Stars and Stripes" and by all means be good this year to insure that the Labor Day Bunny stops at your house.

Holiday Inn has declared August 28th, 2003, as National Towel Amnesty Day to forgive anyone who had ever "borrowed" a towel from the hotel chain. In addition, Holiday Inn asked for story submissions about how their towels were obtained, where they ended up, etc. The following is the story that I submitted:

I am truly sorry that I stole a Holiday Inn towel. The acquisition was due to months of painful preparation and careful planning. At the time, all of my friends had one and I was determined to have one too.

I was nervous at first; making my hotel reservation under an assumed name. I arrived late when I knew the shift would be changing and prepaid using cash so that there wouldn't be a paper trail to follow. Upon entering my room the first things I noticed were the coveted towels. My heart raced.

The next morning after showering, I used all of the towels except one. I piled the used towels in the corner of the bathroom in hopes that housekeeping would fail to notice one missing. I packed the one I had carefully chosen, left the key in the room and slipped out the back staircase so not to be noticed by the staff. As I reached the rear exit I was approached by a manager. "Did you enjoy your stay, sir?"

"Yes. Yes I did. The towels were wonderful." Why did I just say that? Had I lost my mind? What was I thinking? I panicked and began to run.

Without hesitation, the manager called after me, "Thank you for staying at Holiday Inn, sir!"

I jumped into my car and took the back roads home to insure that I wasn't being followed. For the next six weeks I stayed inside with the doors locked and the lights out. Having failed to hear anything about the theft on the news or on my police band radio, I emerged from my self-imposed exile one towel richer.

Since then I have used my towel to wipe sweat from my brow while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. I have used it as a tourniquet to save the life of several automobile victims. It has been used as a filter to purify water after an earthquake in Uganda and as an emergency bicycle chain to escape the Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas. It has been used as a bridal to tame the wild horses of Corolla and as swaddling clothes for newborn infants in the Amazon. It was used as a wedding veil for the Queen of Sheba and as a carbon dioxide filter on Apollo 13. It has been used as a parachute by the 101st Airborne, as a whip to tame Bengal tigers and as a Matador's cape in Madrid.

The truth is I picked it up by accident while on vacation several years ago. I only used it after bathing until about a year ago when I began using it as a dog bed. However, my dog is constantly telling me that it's the softest bed he's ever had. If you can get it away from my dog, you can have it back. However, you might consider washing it before putting it back into service since I don't think the towel has been washed since my dog used it to pull a rescue sled while saving the lives of a team of lost climbers on Mt. Everest.

The air conditioning system in the building where I work isn't the best design. It's not uncommon to find a thermostat in an office that controls the temperature for several offices. This becomes a problem when the occupant of the office that has the thermostat decided that the office is too warm or too cool and makes adjustments to his or her temperature preference. Occupants of the other office will then complain that their offices are uncomfortable and a battle will ensue.

There was recently a case where the temperatures of two separate offices were managed by a single control. One office was infamous for being cold while the other was infamous for being hot. The inhabitant without the thermostat was constantly complaining about the temperature being controlled by the occupant of the office next door. He began complaining to the maintenance department that he needed his own thermostat and after badgering them for quite some time, they agreed to look into the problem. It was decided that a thermostat would be put on the wall of the office.

Late one evening, after everyone had left for the night, a lone maintenance worker entered the office of the complainant and hung a thermostat on the wall. The worker didn't connect it to anything but merely hung it on the wall as per the directions of the work order.

Maintenance never heard another word about the problem.

I recently aborted an advertising promotion in my daily humor publication because it contained ads that were in poor taste and some that were down right perverted. Since I advertise my publication as clean humor, I have an obligation to my readers to print humor articles and advertisements that are clean. If I fail in my responsibility to my readers, they respond by unsubscribing.

Not all publishers of humor newsletters are this way. One publication of which I am a subscriber has the disclaimer in each issue; "I am not responsible for the content of the jokes in this newsletter." Isn't that kind of like saying, I robbed the bank but I'm not responsible for any money that might be missing?" Perhaps the publisher is trying to say that he doesn't write the jokes but he just publishes them. More than likely he's trying to say that if a subscriber is offended by the joke keep in mind that the publisher didn't write them but then again, that in itself is like saying, "I didn't rob the bank, I just drove the getaway car." What the publisher actually comes across as saying is, "I'm not responsible."

Another publisher uses the disclaimer; "We cannot investigate every advertiser who places an ad in this newsletter. Advertisers are solely responsible for ad content and for their own actions. You are encouraged to be responsible and investigate any opportunities offered. Inclusion in the (publication) does not imply endorsement of any of the advertisements."

The publisher is saying, "You are encouraged to be responsible," because he isn't. What would happen if the major television networks conducted business this way? "Star Search is brought to you this week by Dr. Smith's Snake Oil. It cures obesity, psoriasis, bleeding ulcers, gout, chronic bed wetting and descrambles cable signals."

Let me take this opportunity to send a message to all potential advertisers out there. It's your responsibility to prove to me that you have a legitimate product before I will advertise it for you. I agree with the publisher who says, " We cannot investigate every advertiser," and since I don't have the time for such endeavors, the burden of proof is on you. Free samples are gladly accepted.

However, I think I will insert the following disclaimer in my humor publication; ""We cannot investigate every joke in this newsletter. The jokes are solely responsible for their humor and for any ensuing laughter. You are encouraged to be responsible and investigate any jokes offered. Inclusion in this publication does not imply endorsement of humor."