I was in a room where several of my nieces and nephews were playing when I began to pay attention to the game in which they were involved. One of them was "a rich guy who owns a secret company that no one knows about and who lives in a big house on top of a hill with a baby." Another was a babysitter and another was a 911 emergency operator.

The "rich guy" pretends to call the babysitter, "Is this the babysitter?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you baby-sit my baby?"

"How much do you pay?"

"Fifty dollars."

"You're on."

Okay, if I call a babysitter to watch my kid for a few hours and they use the phrase "you're on," I might be a little leery of giving that person the job.

The "babysitter" walks across the room, takes a doll from the "rich guy," cuddles it and walks back across the room. The babysitter then says, "Where's my money?"

The "rich guy" produces fifty dollars, better known as a yellow plastic card, and tosses it at the "babysitter" who now has her hands full with the doll, a blanket and baby bottle. The fifty dollar yellow card bounces of the "babysitter" and lands on the floor. The "babysitter" says, "I have my hands full and I can't pick up the fifty dollars so I'll just do it for free."

Okay, if I call a babysitter to look after my kid for a few hours and they use the phrase "you're on," but because her hands are full she elects not to take a payment of fifty dollars, I might reconsider hiring her.

The "rich guy" says, "Great! That's how I got rich in the first place." At this point I'm wondering what the possibilities are of getting rich by running a secret company that no one knows about that generates funds by collecting fifty dollars that bounce off of babysitters.

The "rich guy" pretends to make another phone call, this time to 911, "Is this 911?"

"Yes this is 911."

"Someone just stole my baby."

"What did they look like."

"She looked just like my sister but she said she was a babysitter."

"I'll be right over."

As "sirens" begin to wail, the "babysitter" slings the "baby" at the "rich guy" and says, "Here's your kid back. He has a poopy diaper."

Another imaginary call is placed to 911, "Some woman just returned my baby with a poopy diaper."

"Okay, I'll be right over."

The "911 operator", now a "police officer," arrives at the scene. "What seems to be the problem sir?"

"This woman brought my baby back with a poopy diaper."

"What would you like me to do?"

"Arrest the woman and change my baby's diaper."

The "police officer" picked up the doll, pretended to change a diaper as he said to the "babysitter," "You're under arrest."

As the game ended, the kids were deciding which two of them would be the lawyers in the case and were actually discussing the fact that none of them could act as an officer of the court since they all had a conflict of interest. The one thing they did decide was that I would be the judge. I began the court session and, against their overwhelming objections, ruled in favor of me before pronouncing all of them guilty.

I recently went to one of those quick change oil places because they were running a special that advertised an oil change for $14.95 including an oil filter. That sounded better than crawling under my car to change my own oil and filter so I took my car in and asked for the advertised deal. The man behind the counter pulled out a form and asked, "Okay sir, I have you down for the special. Would you like for us to top off your windshield washer fluid as well?"

"No thanks," I said. My windshield washer doesn't work."

"It couldn't hurt just to top it off."

"It doesn't work. What would be the point?"

"Well, in case it starts working again."

"The car is nine years old. The washer hasn't worked in six years. I think it's highly unlikely that it is going to spontaneously start working."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, it only costs one dollar."

During the course of my conversation with this gentleman, I noticed that there was a display of windshield washer fluid. A stack of the bottled cleaner stood a good four feet tall. "Is this washer fluid for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"The tag on the bottle says it costs one dollar."

"Yes sir."

"Why would anyone pay a dollar to have their washer fluid topped off when they could buy an entire gallon for a dollar."

"Well, we do it for them or they can buy a bottle and they can do it themselves or we'll do it for them."

"If I bought a bottle how much would you charge me to top off the washer reservoir?"

"There would be no charge."

I was rather perplexed by this logic but I decided to let it go and move along with the process of having my oil changed. "The gentleman asked, "Would you like for us to check your transmission fluid?"

"I have a manual transmission."

"We'd be glad to check the fluid level if you'd like."

"A manual transmission doesn't have transmission fluid."

"Would you like us to check just in case?"

"Does it cost anything to check it?"

"No sir. Not if it doesn't need any fluid added."

"Are you the one who will be changing my oil?"

"No, we have trained technicians who do that. I just work behind the counter."

"Then by all means, have them check the transmission fluid."

My wife accumulates tons of small gift items and freebies from various sources on the Internet. The boxes of stuff she has acquired come in handy for those occasions where a small gift is in order. Once when my wife's mother was visiting, she mentioned that she hadn't had time to pick up a gift for the birthday of on of her grandchildren. "I was planning on picking something up on the way to the birthday party," she said, "but I am wondering if you might have something appropriate in one of your gift boxes."

I replied, "Check on aisle five."

"She laughed and asked, "Where is aisle five?"

"It's in the bedroom between the dresser and the TV."

A few days later one of my wife's friends called to discuss plans for her daughters birthday party that was scheduled for the following day. "I forgot to get party favors for the very small kids. Do you have anything on hand?"

"My wife answered, "I don't think I have anything out on the floor but I'll check the stock in the back."

Dear Sir,

I am writing in reference to your recent email regarding the immediate need and willingness to train and develop even non-experienced individuals in local and international markets for a work at home enterprise. I am interested in your uncapped commissions, bonuses and residual income from repeat business and I'm sure that I meet your criteria for self-motivated individuals. As a matter of fact, I was motivated enough in just the past year to find five different jobs. All of my supervisors even told me that I was so good that they were going to have to let me go because I had brought all the other employees to my level. Pretty impressive, eh?

Although your opportunity is enticing, I am unable to send you a fee of twenty-five dollars at this time and I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that I already work at home. I cook, clean, do laundry, mow the lawn and now you want to pile more stuff on me? And to think that you want me to send you money so you can tell me how to do it. Are you out of your mind? I have a three-year-old who shows me how to work at home and he does it for free.

So, unless you want to send me the information for free, do the work for me and send me a check, please don't waste my time with any more of your lame emails telling me how I can be rich for twenty-five dollars. How many people have sent you twenty-five dollars? I hope at least one person does so that you can at least get back your investment.

Best regards,

Herb McGillicutty