Back in the mid 1980's, Old Milwaukee beer ran a commercial showing people with their product having a good time with their friends. Their slogan was, "It doesn't get any better than this. Their previous slogan, "Old Milwaukee; Taste as great as it's name," always made me wonder why anyone would want to drink a beer that tasted like an old dirty city but that's beside the point. My brothers and I thought that the new slogan, meant to be taken in a positive manner, could easily be taken negatively as well. We set out to make our own commercial to prove our theory.

The video started out with a couple of guys fishing in a small stream. One of the men turns to the other and says, "Man, I ain't catching nothing." The point is made that neither fisherman is having any luck or fun.

The scene changes to a campsite where a third man has a fire ready to cook the catch of the day. He tells the approaching fishermen that the fire is ready for the fish and is told that no fish have been caught. He responds with, "At least we have beer!" The faces of the fishermen light up as they are tossed cans of Old Milwaukee. They take a big swig, make faces as if they have mouths full of castor oil before spitting the beer out as fast as they can. The third man picks up a can of Old Milwaukee and, with an expression of disgust, says, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Our homemade commercial was amusing to my brothers and I and that is the important thing, however, the purchasing of the props was funnier to us than the actual spoof of the commercial. Earlier that morning we drove to a nearby convenience store to buy Old Milwaukee beer and some cheap wine to be used in another silly video. We immediately asked where we could find the cheap beer and were told that Budweiser, "The King of Beers," was on sale. "No thanks," we told the shopkeeper. "We're looking for the cheap stuff." The clerk raised an eyebrow as he pointed to a cooler at the back of the store.

We were also looking for Richards Wild Irish Rose. It's just about the cheapest wine that one can buy. We intended to make a video showing a wino passed out in a doorway with a bottle of the wine. Our slogan would be, "Richards Wild Irish Rose; The choice of professionals." My brother picked up a large bottle of Richards and I told him, "Don't get that one. That's not what a real wino would buy. Get the smaller bottle"

The clerk gave me a strange look as I said this and I could only imagine what he was thinking. "These guys turned down the sale on the good beer and only want the worst tasting cheap beer they can find. Hmmm. They want the crappiest wine and that one guy knows all about the kind of booze wino's buy. He must be the master and the other two his apprentices.

My wife and I were shopping in the furniture department of a local discount store. The "department" consisted of two aisles dedicated to such items as bookshelves, lamps, computer desks, end tables and various other relatively small furniture items. Needless to say, one need not worry about getting lost while looking at furniture in this particular store. We found a bookshelf that we were interested in purchasing but we couldn't find a price. At the end of the aisle was a "courtesy phone" for inquiring about such things, so my wife picked up the phone and told the person on the other end that she wanted to know the price of the bookshelf.

The customer service person responded, "I'll send some one out to check the price on that item. Where is it located?"

"Common sense, I would think, should have told this person that the bookshelf would be in the furniture section but my wife politely responded with, "It's in the furniture department."

"Where in the furniture department is it?"

My wife looked around just to make sure she hadn't been mistaken as to the size of the department and confirmed to herself that the furniture department took up less than one percent of the total floor space of the store. It's under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.' You can't miss it."

"Someone will be there in a few minutes."

After waiting for fifteen minutes without having an employee come to our aid, my wife called back. "I called a while ago for a price check on a bookshelf and I'm still waiting for help."

"Yes ma'am. I sent someone and they said they couldn't find you."

"Did they go to the furniture department?"

"I'm not sure. Let me check." After a short pause, the customer service person said, " Where in the furniture department are you?"

"I'm under the big orange sign that says 'Furniture Department.'

"Okay. Someone will be right there."

After waiting for another ten minutes, we gave up a decided to look for a shower curtain for our bathroom. My wife wanted a burgundy colored curtain but the curtains that were labeled burgundy were more of a sick looking rust color. "This is obviously labeled wrong," my wife said. "I saw this same brand in their store across town and the ones labeled burgundy weren't rust colored." We started looking through the shower curtains but burgundy was not to be found.

"Maybe they have some in the back," I said.

"My wife found a nearby courtesy phone and called for assistance. "I'm looking for a burgundy shower curtain and don't see any on the shelf. Could you have someone check the stock in the back to see if you have one?"

"Are you the lady who called about the bookshelf?"

"Yes I am."

"Did anyone help you with that?"

At this point my wife is thinking that there was a punchline coming. Perhaps the customer service person was about to tell her that she won't get help with this either. "No. Nobody ever came to help us."

"I'm very sorry about that ma'am. Are you still in the furniture department?"

"No. I'm in the 'Bed and Bath' section under a big green sign that says, 'Bed and Bath.' I need help with a shower curtain."

"Do you still need a price check on the bookshelf?"

"No. I want to see if you have any burgundy shower curtains in stock."

"I'll send someone to you right now."

After about five minutes or so, we caught sight of a store employee wandering around doing absolutely nothing. "Excuse me, my wife asked. "Could you help us with something?"

"Are you the one who called about the bookshelf?"

"Yes but we aren't interested in that anymore. We want to know if you have any burgundy shower curtains in stock."

"Did you look on the shelf?"

We could not believe what this person had just said and I replied, "Look on the shelf? What a novel idea! Of course we looked on the shelf."

The employee began rummaging through the shower curtains. "Here's one," he exclaimed.

"That's not burgundy. It's rust colored."

"No it's burgundy. See, it says so right on the package."

"I see what the package says but that is not burgundy. Can you look in the back and see if you have any more?"

"But this is burgundy."

"That is not burgundy. Is there someone else who can help us?"

The employee picked up the courtesy phone and explained to his supervisor that he needed some assistance. A few moments later, the supervisor arrived and we explained the situation.

"I completely understand what you are saying," the supervisor told us. "However, these shower curtains are part of our new line and they might be labeled differently from ones we have had in the past. I'm sure that this is what the manufacturer is calling burgundy even though it appears to be rust color."

My wife asked, "If you were looking for a burgundy shower curtain, would you buy this one because it is labeled as burgundy?"

"Probably not," laughed the supervisor. "I see your point."

"Do you think it might be remotely possible that this curtain was mislabeled and that you might have an actual burgundy colored curtain somewhere in the back?"

"I don't think so but we'll be glad to check for you."

The supervisor sent her employee to the stock room to check. A few moments later he returned with a handful of correctly labeled burgundy shower curtains. We expressed to the supervisor our displeasure in having wasted our time waiting for the item. "If someone had checked to begin with, like we asked, we would already have made our purchase and been on our way."

The supervisor apologized and agreed that someone should have checked the stock as soon as we had asked. With the ordeal of the shower curtain over, we began to make our way to the checkout counter.

We passed by a shelf of movies and one of them caught my eye. "Look at this," I told my wife. "Here's that movie I've been looking for!"

"Why don't you get it?"

I picked up the movie and examined it. "I don't see a price on it."

We looked at each other for a moment. Without either of us having said a word, I placed the movie back on the shelf and we went home.

When my wife and I became engaged to be married, my father in-law to be joked with me about how it used to be customary in some American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans daughter. "For instance," he said, "a young brave might give his future wife's father a horse and blanket in exchange for permission to marry his daughter."

I told him that I would keep that in mind.

During the course of our wedding planning, my wife and I purchased a toy horse and a small blanket to present to her father at the rehearsal dinner. We figured we would have the last laugh on this one and couldn't wait until we could "make the trade."

As is customary at a rehearsal dinner, we handed out gifts to the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Afterwards, we announced that we had a gift for my fiancé's father and explained that it used to be customary in some American Indian cultures for the groom to offer something in return for the hand of a mans daughter. We handed over a small wrapped box and my father in-law to be chuckled as he opened it in anticipation of the joke at hand. Everyone had a good laugh as he held up the toy horse and blanket for our families and friends to see.

Gripping his prize and with a smile on his face, he turned to me and said, "Just remember; no refunds, no returns. All sales are final."

With the barrage of police, hospital and rescue shows on television these days, I thought it might be refreshing to create a show that relates to the average person. It would be a series about a major city that revamped their 411 information system to be like that of the 911 emergency system. Now, instead of calling "information" for just telephone numbers, people could call for information about anything. An episode might possibly go something like this:

"Information, may I help you?"

"Yes. I have an emergency."

"What city please?"

"I'm in the metro area."

"What is your emergency?"

"I have company coming over and I need a recipe for an Italian dish right now."

"Okay ma'am. Just calm down."

"I'll try."

"What kind of Italian dish do you need to cook?"

"I don't know. Anything Italian will do."

"Have you tried calling the public library?"

"Yes. They're closed and the automated message said to call 411 in case of emergency."

"Okay, I'm calling the bookmobile right now. They should have a cookbook on board. Just stay on the line."

"Please hurry. My guests will be here any minute."

"Please remain calm and stay on the line. Are you feeling any pain?

"No. Not yet."

"Your breathing sounds a little erratic. Do you have a paper bag handy?"

"Yes."

"Good. Breathe into the bag. I have the bookmobile on the radio and they have been advised of your situation. They are on the way. Just stay on the line with me until they get there."

"Oh No! Someone's at the door! It's my company. I know it's them!"

"Please remain calm. It's probably the bookmobile. Look out a window and see who it is."

"I see a truck with flashing lights. There's a woman at the door with horn rimmed glasses and her hair in a bun."

"That's the ELS technician."

"The what?"

"The Emergency Library Service technician. Unlock the door and let her in."

The woman lets the ELS technician into the house and all seems to be working out for the best, or is it? Here are some exciting scenes from next weeks episode:

This is ELS forty-two calling dispatch."

"Dispatch here. Go ahead forty-two"

"I have responded to the recipe call and it's much worse than I expected. This woman can't read. All attempts at teaching recipes have failed."

"Ten four ELS forty-two.

"Dispatch, company is arriving. Repeat! Guests are coming up the driveway! Librarian needs assistance!"

"Roger that forty-two. Dispatching Dominos! Dispatching Dominos!"