Sometimes it doesn't pay to be good at what you do. I once told a manager that, since I had achieved the highest possible staff ranking, I would like to be considered for a recently created management position. I was told that it was extremely difficult to find experts in my field and that it would be nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace me. Basically, I was being told that I was doing such a good job that there was no way I would ever get promoted. I decided it was time to find a new employment opportunity.

I found a company that was looking for someone with my qualifications to perform virtually the same job I was already doing. I applied for the position and during the interview I asked, "I'm considering leaving my present job because there is little room for career advancement.

The interviewer replied with, "There are plenty of opportunities for advancement here." An offer was made and I accepted the position.

After working there for several months, a notice was posted on a bulletin board announcing the opening of a management position. I promptly applied for it and was told that I would be notified if an interview was required. I felt pretty good about the whole thing and was pretty excited about it until I talked to some of my fellow employees. "They'll never give that job to you," they said.

"What makes you think that?"

"We have all applied for management positions. They keep telling us that it would be extremely difficult to find experts in our field and that it would be nearly impossible to find anyone qualified to replace us."

I must say, their words sounded familiar. "When they interviewed me they said there were plenty of opportunities for advancement here."

"There are plenty of advancement opportunities here. Just not for us."

Needless to say, I wasn't granted an interview much less the position. I began to notice that the people I worked with, who did a good job, never advanced. However, those who were incompetent seemed to excel. It was the classic "Peter Principle".

For example, my department manager started out as a material handler but when he couldn't handle that job, he was given the job of machine operator. Not being able to operate machinery he was promoted to machine mechanic. Since he failed miserably in that position, he was promoted to department manager. This was the perfect job for him. He was fully qualified to drink coffee and have the department secretary do his work for him. If asked a question with any hint of importance, he would say, "Let me research that and get back to you. I'd watch as he made his way to the glass cubicle that he called an office to pose the question to the secretary. He'd return and say, "Mildred knows more about this than I do. You should talk to her."

My manager wasn't known as a smart man by anyone that I knew and I certainly didn't want to appear in the same light as him. However, he was oblivious to how others saw him. He wore his position like a badge. I never applied for any more management positions with that company but since then I have become a manager at a major educational institution. I think I'm pretty smart and I think that other people think I'm doing a good job. Just to be sure, I'm going to get another cup of coffee and go ask the department secretary. I'm sure she'll answer my question as soon as she finishes my work.

My three-year old son will attack me without provocation and without warning. He will let out a howl that would make any warrior proud as he comes towards me at full throttle. Most of the time I am well aware that he is about to attack and other times I am caught off guard but, in either case, my best defense against him, and my weapon of choice, is the claw.

The claw can be formed by using either of my hands. I simply extend either hand and curve my fingers into the shape of an eagle talon or bear claw. My hand is then thrust into my child's abdomen and my fingers are wiggled furiously. The maneuver is too much for my son to bear. He will crumble to the floor in a fit of hysterical giggles.

I was playing with my son in this manner when the thought struck me, "What if wars were fought this way?" I imagined armies of ten thousand men each, advancing towards each other, slightly crouched over with "the claw" slightly extended. They would taunt each other by saying things like, "I'm going to tickle you! Coochy coochy coo!"

Special forces would be highly trained in the art of making funny faces and would be well trained in silly dance. Soldiers would be specifically trained to attack the parts of the body that produce optimum laughter. It is also possible that these militaries would resort to using more sophisticated weapons such as feather dusters. Helium, for the production of silly voices, would be the only chemical agent of concern. Billions of dollars would be spent on researching the art of tickling. It would, of course, be against the Geneva Convention to tickle a soldier until he is out of breath.

The two forces would attack each other and grown men would fall to the ground in hysterical fits of laughter. How would it be possible to determine a victor in such a war? Well, with everyone laughing, who would care?

I have to be careful how I pronounce words around my three-year-old son. A three-year-old boy has a nasty habit of pronouncing words exactly like his parents and that makes my habit of exaggerating my southern accent a potential problem. I will make two syllable words out of one-syllable words. I will sometimes bend a word so much that it is barely recognizable and I do this purely for comedic effect. The word "there" becomes "they-yar." The word "now" becomes "na-yow." It was only when I noticed my son doing the same thing that I realized how irritating the habit could be. I began thinking that it might be possible to use my irritating quality as advantage.

Imagine going for a job interview. The interviewer asks, “Are there any skills you possess that would be useful in the workplace?”

“Yes. I am generally irritating.”

“That is an excellent quality. You’re management material.”

”Did I mention that I’m a jerk?”

”Well that changes things entirely. You might be qualified for the plant manager position.”

”I would also like for you to know that I stole money from my previous employer.”

”Wait right here. The head of personnel is going to want to talk to you. We need a CEO like you.”

Rain-X is a revolutionary product that allows people to drive their automobiles in the rain without, or with minimal use, of their windshield wipers. It comes in liquid form and is applied to a windshield using a clean dry cloth. The liquid dries to a slightly white looking haze. It is then polished with another clean dry cloth and is then ready to repel water. The makers of Rain-X claim that they are "the world leader in water and soil-repelling technologies for automotive glass."

I have used the product and found that during a severe downpour of rain, when other cars were pulling off to the side of the road, I was able to keep on driving. Not only that, but I continued driving my vehicle without the aid of my windshield wipers. I was truly amazed at how well the product works. However, since my first introduction to the Rain-X, I have found several other uses for it as well.

It is very difficult to keep from getting the product on your hands during the application process. When trying to wash the product off of my hands, I found the task to be rather difficult and, more often than not, just downright impossible. Water and soap would simply bead up on my hands. I decided that the old adage, "If you can't beat them, join them," was relevant in this case so I liberally applied the product to my entire body. I have found Rain-X to be so good at repelling soil that I now only need to shower once or twice per week. When I do shower, there is no need for soap. The beads of water collect any dirt and it just rolls off of my body without effort.

Interestingly enough, I also started brushing my teeth with the stuff. The consumption of food is no longer a time consuming process. With the aid of Rain-X, I can now eat a twelve-course meal in less than seven seconds. It is an amazing time saver. I highly recommend that the makers of Rain-X produce a line of flavored repellents such as mint or wintergreen.

So the next time you are at your local auto-parts store, ask for Rain-X by name and look for it soon in your grocer's dairy case.