Poll-O-Robeo Archives

Your boss invites you over to his house for cocktails. Following the proper rules of etiquette, what do you bring?
A side arm.
20.5% 15 vote(s)
Office supplies.
4.1% 3 vote(s)
A lawyer.
11.0% 8 vote(s)
The rest of the office staff.
20.5% 15 vote(s)
A good book.
6.8% 5 vote(s)
Something slinky.
6.8% 5 vote(s)
Your best whine.
20.5% 15 vote(s)
Haggis dip.
9.6% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 73
Kiefer Sutherland is out of jail. How did he get out?
Told the guard that a nuclear bomb was going to explode in less than 24 hours.
5.1% 3 vote(s)
Crawled silently through the thin galvanized metal ventilation ducts.
11.9% 7 vote(s)
Got drunk and drove his car through the cell wall.
15.3% 9 vote(s)
Waited until the Chinese came to torture him and sneaked out the back door during the shootout.
8.5% 5 vote(s)
Played dead.
15.3% 9 vote(s)
Called in a favor from the President.
6.8% 4 vote(s)
Using a PDA synced with CTU's database, he changed the arrest files to say that his crime was jay walking then shot his way out, torturing a few folks along the way.
27.1% 16 vote(s)
Bent the bars with an exploding haggis.
10.2% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 59
What other substances besides steroids are pro baseball players accused of using?
Spam
14.3% 8 vote(s)
Play-Doh
5.4% 3 vote(s)
Snapple
10.7% 6 vote(s)
Silly Puddy.
10.7% 6 vote(s)
Moon Sand
10.7% 6 vote(s)
Boogers
17.9% 10 vote(s)
Vegemite
19.6% 11 vote(s)
Haggis
10.7% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 56
You are opening Christmas presents with your family. What did Aunt Ethel give you?
The fruitcake that Uncle Henry gave her last year, that Aunt Erma gave her the year before, that Cousin Fred gave her the year before that, Uncle Horace gave him the year before, that you gave to Uncle Horace the year before.
28.0% 7 vote(s)
Despite your severe allergy, doilies made from the fur of her cat.
12.0% 3 vote(s)
Earmuffs. Just what I wanted. These are so hard to find in the Everglades.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
The ever so classic portrait of the dogs playing poker that's always good for a million laughs.
0% 0 vote(s)
Nothing says "Christmas" better than a full set of grape jelly glasses.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
A necktie with pictures of Mickey Mouse that plays "It's a Small World." The guys at the office will be so jealous.
16.0% 4 vote(s)
I really needed a toilet plunger. Thanks for giving me your old one.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
Wow! A hand knitted stuffed haggis cozy!
20.0% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 25
Because of the writers strike, Hollywood has been forced to use the housekeeping staff to write scripts. What are the new upcoming shows they are developing?
America's Next Top Maid
20.5% 8 vote(s)
Cleaning the Office
10.3% 4 vote(s)
Scrub
7.7% 3 vote(s)
My Name is Hazel
12.8% 5 vote(s)
CSI: Clean, Sanitize, Inspect
28.2% 11 vote(s)
Clean Jobs
5.1% 2 vote(s)
Without a Trace of Dust
5.1% 2 vote(s)
Haggis County Janitorial
10.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 39
MTV is moving into the Middle East market. What kind of programming will they broadcast?
Name That WMD
13.9% 5 vote(s)
Real World: Fallujah
5.6% 2 vote(s)
Engaged and Underaged and Arranged
2.8% 1 vote(s)
Everybody Loves Hamas
2.8% 1 vote(s)
Mad About Everything
33.3% 12 vote(s)
Survivor Baghdad
25.0% 9 vote(s)
MTV's Lock and Load
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Rachel Ray's 30 Minute Haggis IED
5.6% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum cannot locate or account for tens of thousands of valuable mementos. What are some of those missing mementos?
Nuclear warheads.
18.2% 4 vote(s)
The keys to Air Force One.
18.2% 4 vote(s)
Walter Mondale
9.1% 2 vote(s)
WMD's
13.6% 3 vote(s)
Colon polyps
4.5% 1 vote(s)
Oliver North
0% 0 vote(s)
The Soviet Union
22.7% 5 vote(s)
A big chunk of haggis
13.6% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 22
Who will step in for Hollywood writers if they go on strike this week?
Congress
25.0% 8 vote(s)
Star Jones
6.2% 2 vote(s)
D.B. Cooper
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Ed Wood
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Cyrano de Bergerac
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Elmer Fudd
15.6% 5 vote(s)
Paris Hilton
25.0% 8 vote(s)
The members of the Haggis guild of America
15.6% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
What's the best thing about the end of baseball season?
Players can now use their iPhones to blog anywhere, not just on the field.
0% 0 vote(s)
You can get a hotdog and a beer for less than $50.
27.8% 5 vote(s)
Players can concentrate on using performance enhancing drugs.
33.3% 6 vote(s)
Players can gamble like it's 1999.
0% 0 vote(s)
We can now focus our attention on professional bowling.
16.7% 3 vote(s)
No more heated locker room debates about how many strikes it takes to make an out.
0% 0 vote(s)
Instead of wearing one as a safety measure, players can wear a cup for fun.
16.7% 3 vote(s)
Haggis bashing season is right around the corner.
5.6% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 18
What was OJ's excuse for robbing two sports memorabilia dealers in Las Vegas?
I'm no thief. Murderer maybe but definately not a thief.
18.0% 16 vote(s)
I did it for Nicole.
5.6% 5 vote(s)
I thought burglary would look good on my resume.
7.9% 7 vote(s)
Robbery? I thought I was at Cirque du Soleil.
1.1% 1 vote(s)
I was looking for the real murderers.
22.5% 20 vote(s)
Hey, it's a job.
7.9% 7 vote(s)
What's the big deal? It's not like I murdered someone.
30.3% 27 vote(s)
I was high on haggis.
6.7% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 89
What do Iraqi soldiers do for entertainment?
Listen to shock jock Achmad Stern
0% 0 vote(s)
Test bullet-proof camels.
17.2% 5 vote(s)
Sweat.
37.9% 11 vote(s)
Watch re-runs of that old campy sitcom, "The Hussein Bunch."
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Tank parallel parking marathons.
13.8% 4 vote(s)
Salute everyone.
0% 0 vote(s)
Two words: Wi-Fi Turbans.
17.2% 5 vote(s)
All night haggis bake-offs.
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 29
How do you know if you've picked the wrong college?
There are bars on the windows and the school uniform is an orange jumpsuit.
32.4% 11 vote(s)
Homework assignments involve delivering pizza.
2.9% 1 vote(s)
Your classes are in different states.
8.8% 3 vote(s)
Seniors are referred to as being in grade 16.
8.8% 3 vote(s)
The Latin motto translates to, "Dude, Let's Party."
8.8% 3 vote(s)
The dean is Jerry Springer.
2.9% 1 vote(s)
Your dorm is wrapped in police tape.
20.6% 7 vote(s)
They don't serve haggis in the cafeteria.
14.7% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 34
Why is "High School Musical 2" expected to be a success?
Who can resist teenagers singing show tunes?
26.3% 5 vote(s)
Lindsey Lohan isn't in it.
26.3% 5 vote(s)
No more Kellogg's sugary cereal ads..
0% 0 vote(s)
The "Three's Company" marathon scheduled opposite for the same time slot was canceled.
5.3% 1 vote(s)
It's recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists for their patients who chew gum.
5.3% 1 vote(s)
Paris Hilton isn't in it.
10.5% 2 vote(s)
When you rerun a show 24/7 for a decade, what do you expect?
10.5% 2 vote(s)
The kids are all hopped up on haggis.
15.8% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 19
What's the best feature of Apple's new iPhone?
Iron.
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Bottle opener.
17.2% 5 vote(s)
Electric razor.
20.7% 6 vote(s)
Toothpick.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Cheese grater.
13.8% 4 vote(s)
Corkscrew.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Pan flute.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Haggis dispenser.
13.8% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 29
What will Lindsay Lohan's excuse be this time?
I thought Herbie was driving but it turns out that he was really loaded.
16.7% 5 vote(s)
I was trying to be like Paris.
23.3% 7 vote(s)
I guess I really am a mean girl.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
I can't handle life on the outside.
16.7% 5 vote(s)
It was just another freaky Friday.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
I was hoping to get a matching bracelet for my other ankle.
26.7% 8 vote(s)
I confess. I'm a teenage drama queen.
6.7% 2 vote(s)
I was hopped up on haggis.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
Kelloggs is going to stop marketing sugary cereals to children and begin selling...
Froot Loogies
6.0% 3 vote(s)
Apple Jerky
18.0% 9 vote(s)
Cocoa Crack
22.0% 11 vote(s)
Rice Krapies
2.0% 1 vote(s)
Osama Smack
8.0% 4 vote(s)
Special Frooty Cocoa Frosted Honey Raisin K
26.0% 13 vote(s)
Corn Licker Pops
8.0% 4 vote(s)
Frosted Haggis Flakes
10.0% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 50
What are you doing to fight the war on terrorism?
Look for WMD's in your backyard.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
Removed the "We Support the Taliban" ribbon from your car.
4.0% 1 vote(s)
Only put half a tank of gas at a time in your SUV.
28.0% 7 vote(s)
Spy on your neighbors.
16.0% 4 vote(s)
Ask to be strip searched at the airport.
32.0% 8 vote(s)
Grab anyone who signs up for the "Free HBO for Terrorists" offer.
0% 0 vote(s)
Carry a RPG in case you spot Osama.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
No more haggis binges because they produce poison gasses.
4.0% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 25
You have just opened a new business. What is it?
Adult Diaper Rentals
9.7% 3 vote(s)
The Leftover Fifth Dentist Who Doesn't Prefer Trident For His Patients Who Chew Gum
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Taco El Gato
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Casket Lease
9.7% 3 vote(s)
Military Surplus Lingerie
29.0% 9 vote(s)
Twinkie Wedding Cakes
12.9% 4 vote(s)
All You Can Eat Dry Cleaner
6.5% 2 vote(s)
McHaggis
6.5% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 31
What is the biggest complaint that U.S. astronauts have about the Russian Space Station?
It was built with a hammer and a sickle.
4.8% 3 vote(s)
Russian Tang tastes like chicken.
9.5% 6 vote(s)
Floating borscht keeps shorting out the computer system.
6.3% 4 vote(s)
It's powered by a goat on a treadmill.
7.9% 5 vote(s)
The whole station smells like vodka.
28.6% 18 vote(s)
The Russians call all of the American's "Kirk."
23.8% 15 vote(s)
Somebody keeps leaving the left turn signal on.
15.9% 10 vote(s)
It's really tough getting haggis out of a tube.
3.2% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 63
You have just invented a new mixed drink. What will you name it?
Preparation H Hemorrhoidal Bourbon
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Seagrams 7, Detroit Tigers 0
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Van Camp's Pork & Whiskey
10.3% 3 vote(s)
McBeer
37.9% 11 vote(s)
Jiffy Pop Butter Flavored Stovetop Gin
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Mentadent Tequila
17.2% 5 vote(s)
Tucks Medicated Chardonnay
13.8% 4 vote(s)
Bloody Haggis
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 29
Paris Hilton was released from jail because of health reasons but was ordered back to jail the next day. Why?
The rash cleared up.
8.1% 5 vote(s)
The judge explained to the sherriff that Tinker Bell is a dog, not a disease.
9.7% 6 vote(s)
She only wanted to go home to use the bathroom.
4.8% 3 vote(s)
It turns out that immaturity isn't a medical ailment after all.
51.6% 32 vote(s)
She was only out on a beer run.
4.8% 3 vote(s)
Went home to get her own handcuffs.
6.5% 4 vote(s)
She was only released to touch up her pedicure.
9.7% 6 vote(s)
She went back because she missed the delicious prison haggis.
4.8% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 62
What is the one thing Paris Hilton wishes she had done to keep herself out of jail?
Driven a white Ford Bronco down the Los Angeles freeway.
24.1% 7 vote(s)
Hired Matlock as her attorney.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Let Tinker Bell drive.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Should have asked Wynona Rider for some tips.
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Should not have asked Martha Stewart for tips.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Told the police that Nicole Richie was driving.
13.8% 4 vote(s)
Used the "Get Out of Jail" card from Monopoly.
17.2% 5 vote(s)
Bribed the judge with haggis.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 29
Hollywood is working on Pirates of the Caribbean IV. What will make this sequel unique?
Captain Jack Sparrow meets his long lost brother Gilligan.
31.4% 11 vote(s)
The name gives it away: Pirates of the Caribbean IV - Brokeback Island.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
The Black Pearl gets a new Captain. A mysterious man known only as "The Skipper."
2.9% 1 vote(s)
Davey Jones is replaced by The Incredible Mr. Limpet.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
The Black Pearl is bought by Thurston Howell III.
2.9% 1 vote(s)
Commodore Norrington gets his butt kicked by the Little Mermaid.
22.9% 8 vote(s)
A man, known only as "The Professor," makes a computer out of coconuts, giving the Black Pearl the world's first GPS system.
14.3% 5 vote(s)
The crusty old parrot is turned into a little tiny crusty old haggis.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 35
You want to be an American Idol contestant. Why?
Your self esteem just isn't low enough without being Simon Cowell's punching bag.
34.3% 12 vote(s)
You have had the "TV" bug ever since your debut on "Cops."
8.6% 3 vote(s)
To realize your dream of getting drunk with Paula Abdul.
5.7% 2 vote(s)
You have to start someplace. It may as well be at the bottom.
11.4% 4 vote(s)
There is nothing like hearing Randy Jackson say "Dog" in person.
11.4% 4 vote(s)
You're Paris Hilton and it's better than being in the slammer.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
You want to be the first contestant to only sing Hall and Oates songs.
14.3% 5 vote(s)
The fame it brings means never having to stand in line for haggis.
5.7% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 35
Now that Spiderman 3 has hit the theaters, Hollywood is making plans for Spiderman 4. What will be the theme of Spidey's next movie.
After her jail break, Spiderman saves the world from Paris Hilton.
16.1% 5 vote(s)
Spiderman replaces Rosey on The View.
3.2% 1 vote(s)
Michelin Tire Man steps on Spidey and squashes him like a bug.
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Newspaper employer finds out that, for all these years, Peter Parker has been Photoshopping all the images of Spiderman.
19.4% 6 vote(s)
Spiderman's real identity is discovered when Peter Parker sells Spiderman web on EBay.
3.2% 1 vote(s)
Peter Parker is locked up in Bellevue for his belief that he is a human spider.
22.6% 7 vote(s)
Spiderman dies when he is accidentally sprayed by a giant can of RAID.
12.9% 4 vote(s)
The arch villain will be the Green Haggis.
9.7% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 31
As a result of breaking her probation, Parris Hilton must serve 45 days in jail. What was the reason the judge cited for her incarceration?
Her horrid attempts at acting are considered terrorism.
8.9% 4 vote(s)
To keep her from taking Rosie's place on The View.
8.9% 4 vote(s)
He's Nicole Richie's uncle.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Her recent graduation from the Mel Gibson school of driving.
8.9% 4 vote(s)
She was talking about getting back together with Rick Salomon.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
She was getting stock tips from Martha Stewart.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
She's an idiot.
55.6% 25 vote(s)
She got another DWH. Driving while haggised.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
Rosie O'Donnell is leaving The View. Why?
She wants to devote more time to insulting Donald Trump.
5.3% 2 vote(s)
Can't handle being around a bunch of straight women.
5.3% 2 vote(s)
To be a full time loudmouth on the Jerry Springer Show.
5.3% 2 vote(s)
Barbara Walters told her she'd make a good anchor, giving Rosie the false impression that Katie Couric would be leaving the CBS Evening News and that Rosie could take Katie's place. Barbara was talking about boats.
26.3% 10 vote(s)
To boost The View's ratings.
2.6% 1 vote(s)
It's better to quit than get fired.
15.8% 6 vote(s)
She feels restrained by the fact that an hour long show doesn't afford her enough time to spread her ignorant rhetoric.
31.6% 12 vote(s)
Producers still refuse to have haggis catered in to her dressing room before each show.
7.9% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 38
With baseball right around the corner, what are teams doing to get fans to come out to the ballpark?
Pete Rose picks the winner before each game.
21.4% 9 vote(s)
Beer stained seats night.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Every fourth pitch is aimed at a random fans head.
21.4% 9 vote(s)
Performance enhancing drugs night.
16.7% 7 vote(s)
The pitchers will throw like girls.
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Guess the urine sample night.
14.3% 6 vote(s)
For the entire season, every hit is a bunt.
2.4% 1 vote(s)
Haggis night.
11.9% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
Now that Fidel Castro is aging, what changes might we expect to see in Cuba?
Olive drab uniforms exchanged for a more cosmopolitan paisley look.
12.5% 6 vote(s)
Losing contestants of Havana Idol no longer face the firing squad.
10.4% 5 vote(s)
Torturing of political dissidents will be outsourced to Guantanamo Bay.
12.5% 6 vote(s)
Jeff Probst maroons 19 armed rebels on the shores of Cuba for "Survivor: Bay of Pigs."
14.6% 7 vote(s)
Cuban television can finally air the ever controversial program, "Three's Company."
20.8% 10 vote(s)
Long bread lines are finally replaced with long soup lines.
10.4% 5 vote(s)
Minimum wage will be raised to $7.00 per year.
12.5% 6 vote(s)
Finally, a decent Havana haggis.
6.2% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 48
What will you be eating for Easter dinner?
Rabbit stew.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Hard boiled Cadbury eggs.
19.0% 8 vote(s)
The traditional Egg McMuffin.
11.9% 5 vote(s)
Beer.
14.3% 6 vote(s)
Roasted leg of chocolate lamb.
14.3% 6 vote(s)
Hard boiled peeps.
21.4% 9 vote(s)
Spam bunnies.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
Colored haggis eggs.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
Britain's Prince Harry is expected to deploy to Iraq later this spring. What will his duty be?
Special envoy to the drug rehabilitation center.
4.0% 2 vote(s)
Searching the barracks for WMD's.
12.0% 6 vote(s)
Insurgent fighter from noon until 1:00 PM with an hour off for lunch.
22.0% 11 vote(s)
Beer taster.
10.0% 5 vote(s)
Fly around on a broomstick. Oops. Wrong Harry.
20.0% 10 vote(s)
Private Commander and Chief.
14.0% 7 vote(s)
Entertain the troops with risqué pictures of Chelsy Davy.
8.0% 4 vote(s)
Haggis cook.
10.0% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 50
American Idol is changing their voting process. Now, you'll vote for the contestant who...
Can go 3 rounds in a boxing match with Rosie O' Donnell.
15.6% 5 vote(s)
Looks the most like Richard Nixon.
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Has a web site with steamy pictures. Wait! We have a winner!
21.9% 7 vote(s)
Shaves their head and goes to rehab for a day.
28.1% 9 vote(s)
Saves the most on their car insurance.
15.6% 5 vote(s)
Has the biggest nose.
0% 0 vote(s)
Sings the worst. Wait! Voters are already doing that!
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Can eat the most haggis.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
What is the best thing about global warming?
Free melanoma.
4.7% 2 vote(s)
Hamburgers well done; right on the hoof.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
There's a good chance that Britney Spears' bald head will spontaniously combust.
14.0% 6 vote(s)
Throw on a thong and you're dressed for any occasion.
20.9% 9 vote(s)
Dominos Pizza will finally arrive hot.
16.3% 7 vote(s)
Nude barbecues.
14.0% 6 vote(s)
Iceland: The new Bermuda.
11.6% 5 vote(s)
Less money spent on heat means more money to buy haggis.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
Why did Britney Spears shave her head?
She was drunk.
8.0% 4 vote(s)
She was drunk.
6.0% 3 vote(s)
She was drunk.
2.0% 1 vote(s)
She was drunk.
8.0% 4 vote(s)
She was drunk.
4.0% 2 vote(s)
She was drunk.
2.0% 1 vote(s)
She was drunk.
18.0% 9 vote(s)
She was high on haggis.
52.0% 26 vote(s)
Total Votes: 50
What the first thing you look for when choosing a mate?
Warts
15.8% 6 vote(s)
Open sores
18.4% 7 vote(s)
Unusual twitching
18.4% 7 vote(s)
Missing limbs
10.5% 4 vote(s)
Speech impediment
5.3% 2 vote(s)
Unwanted hair
10.5% 4 vote(s)
Unsightly rashes
5.3% 2 vote(s)
Haggis breath.
15.8% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 38
What's the next new plan for Iraq?
Start looking for WMD's. Dang. Did that already.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
Extend I-40 right through the middle.
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Sell it to Donald Trump.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
Let Angelina Jolie adopt the whole country.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Sell Iraq on Ebay.
19.0% 8 vote(s)
Trade military uniforms for Disney costumes. Build a fence along the border and call it "Mid East Disney." Charge admission to get in.
23.8% 10 vote(s)
Send in Jack Bauer.
11.9% 5 vote(s)
Get the insurgents hooked on haggis.
14.3% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
What was your favorite SuperBowl commercial?
The one with the guy that did that thing.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
The one with the girl that did that thing.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
The one with the guy and the girl that did that thing.
12.5% 4 vote(s)
The one with the thing that did that thing.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
The one with the dog that did that thing.
3.1% 1 vote(s)
The one with the guy and the girl and the dog that did that thing.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
The one with the guy and the girl and the dog that didn't do that thing.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
If they had one with a haggis that did that thing, I would have liked that best.
34.4% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
What's up with Paula Abdul's wacky behavior on national television?
She's been hanging out with Ted Kennedy.
28.9% 11 vote(s)
She just woke up.
7.9% 3 vote(s)
She's distraught over Saddam's hanging.
5.3% 2 vote(s)
She's an American Idiot.
28.9% 11 vote(s)
She's been breathing in too much of Randy Jackson's flatulence.
13.2% 5 vote(s)
She's punch drunk in love with Nancy Pelosi.
2.6% 1 vote(s)
She's been bending time back around.
2.6% 1 vote(s)
She's drunk on haggis.
10.5% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 38
What is this years Superbowl halftime entertainment?
Isaiah Washington calls Rex Grossman and Peyton Manning fags.
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Janet Jackson will bear her... wait, she's been there done that.
11.1% 4 vote(s)
The Rosie O'Donnel and Donald Trump boxing match.
41.7% 15 vote(s)
All spectators are given microphones.
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Live and on stage, Alan Greenspan raises interest rates.
2.8% 1 vote(s)
Deadly snakes will be released into the stands.
2.8% 1 vote(s)
Right there in front of all America, Britney Spears has another baby.
5.6% 2 vote(s)
The quarterbacks will throw free haggis into the stands.
16.7% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
In a recent Associated Press poll, 67% of American's...
secretly watch reruns of the Brady Bunch.
2.1% 1 vote(s)
are stationed in Iraq.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
wipe boogers on the seat of their car.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
are Mexican.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
think farts are funny.
23.4% 11 vote(s)
are under investigation by Homeland Security.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
make up 67% of America.
42.6% 20 vote(s)
eat haggis daily.
2.1% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 47
What is the Internet?
The information traffic jam.
20.8% 11 vote(s)
A bunch of computers connected together by a shoelace and a prayer.
15.1% 8 vote(s)
Nothing more than the same old 01010101010101...
3.8% 2 vote(s)
The new CB radio.
7.5% 4 vote(s)
A million monkeys typing randomly on typewriters producing Hamlet entirely by chance.
9.4% 5 vote(s)
5% work, 95% sit on your butt and eat Cheetos.
24.5% 13 vote(s)
Elaborate system of strings and paper cups.
7.5% 4 vote(s)
Electronic haggis.
11.3% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 53
Where do you shop for all your Christmas gifts? Dumpsters.
20.4% 11 vote(s)
The mall's Lost & Found.
14.8% 8 vote(s)
Your neighbor's mailbox.
3.7% 2 vote(s)
Homeless shelter.
1.9% 1 vote(s)
Airport baggage claim.
14.8% 8 vote(s)
Police evidence room.
22.2% 12 vote(s)
Scrap yard.
11.1% 6 vote(s)
The Haggis Shop
11.1% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 54
What is your favorite thing to do at the office Christmas party?
Stand on a table and yell, I am the master of all I survey! I claim this land in the name of the monarchy!"
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Pull Santa's trousers down to his knees.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Every five minutes, stand up and yell, "BINGO!"
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Call 911. Invite them to the party.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Give the boss a wedgie.
6.7% 2 vote(s)
Dress for Halloween. Eat tons of garlic. Stand under the mistletoe.
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Write a resignation. Sign it using a coworkers name and place it on your bosses table in an envelope marked, "My Gift To You."
30.0% 9 vote(s)
Spike the punch with haggis.
16.7% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
Santa has run out of sticks and coal to give to naughty children. What does he use as a replacement?
Scotch
11.3% 6 vote(s)
Chitterlings
9.4% 5 vote(s)
Spinach
13.2% 7 vote(s)
Liver
20.8% 11 vote(s)
Cauliflower
7.5% 4 vote(s)
Lard
9.4% 5 vote(s)
Hog Jowls
5.7% 3 vote(s)
Haggis
22.6% 12 vote(s)
Total Votes: 53
Santa has a new reindeer. What is his name?
Boozer
17.8% 8 vote(s)
Gumby
11.1% 5 vote(s)
Crasher
24.4% 11 vote(s)
Dumbo
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Blitzed
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Grinch
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Prankster
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Haggis
24.4% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
Sony has begun selling the new Playstation 3. What is the best selling game for the new system?
Britney and Kevin's Mortal Combat
11.5% 6 vote(s)
Daniel Baldwin's Grand Theft Auto
3.8% 2 vote(s)
Doom 2006 - Iraq on Earth
11.5% 6 vote(s)
Mel Gibson's 3D Drunk Driving Simulator
15.4% 8 vote(s)
Russell Crowe's Street Fighter
7.7% 4 vote(s)
Dick Cheney's Quail Hunter
15.4% 8 vote(s)
Michael Jackson's Resident Evil
13.5% 7 vote(s)
Tomb Raider -The Search for the Golden Haggis
21.2% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 52
Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline. Why?
Like everyone else, she can't stand his singing voice.
15.2% 7 vote(s)
He is so, like, so immature and, you know, so immature and stuff.
41.3% 19 vote(s)
He's too intellectual for her.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
She can't stop thinking about Madonna.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
He keeps hogging the Gameboy.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Ever since the second baby was born, Spandex looks better on him than on her.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
She's leaving him for Jason Alexander.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
He's a haggis junkie.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46

CBS's hit show, "The Ghost Whisperer," is such a success that a spin-off will be appearing this spring. What will it be called?
The Vice Presidential Shotgun Whisperer
16.1% 9 vote(s)
The Jihad Whisperer
10.7% 6 vote(s)
The Congressional Page Whisperer
21.4% 12 vote(s)
The Undocumented Illegal Hispanic Migrant Farm Worker Whisperer
21.4% 12 vote(s)
The Congressional Flatulence Whisperer
16.1% 9 vote(s)
The NSA Camel Whisperer
1.8% 1 vote(s)
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Whisperer
7.1% 4 vote(s)
The Haggis Whisperer
5.4% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 56

You are the star of a hit TV show and you suspect the series is about to be canceled. Why?
Your new leading lady: Star Jones.
17.8% 8 vote(s)
The network has moved the time slot to Friday at 4:00 AM.
31.1% 14 vote(s)
Promos advertise, "The next episode is so exciting that there may not be any more."
6.7% 3 vote(s)
High dollar camera crew replaced by teenagers with Handi-Cams.
17.8% 8 vote(s)
Scripts are written on the backs of dirty cocktail napkins.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
It's produced by Shaun Cassidy.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
The name of your show is "Smith."
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Macsween Haggis is your biggest sponsor.
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
What is the America's plan for Iraq?
Throw a fence around it and call it "Al-Queda Disney."
4.7% 2 vote(s)
Send in Stallone.
18.6% 8 vote(s)
The white house won't say anything except that the plan is based on several episodes of "F Troop."
27.9% 12 vote(s)
Bombard the insurgents with reruns of the "Brady Bunch."
4.7% 2 vote(s)
Dick Cheney. Shotgun. Need I say more?
23.3% 10 vote(s)
Have Mark Foley write inappropriate emails to the insurgency.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Make Star Jones the President of Iraq.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Declare jihad on haggis.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
With all the allegations flying around in Washington, what will the Republican party do to smooth things over?
Shift the focus to more important issues like how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
14.3% 6 vote(s)
Move the next session of congress to the Betty Ford Clinic.
2.4% 1 vote(s)
Replace Rep. Mark Foley with Star Jones.
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Get America drunk.
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Blame it all on the Clinton administration.
42.9% 18 vote(s)
Nuke the Middle East.
16.7% 7 vote(s)
Admit that the GOP really stands for "Gay Old Party."
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Silence congressional pages with bribes of haggis.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
How do we know that Osama bin Ladin is still alive?
He's Jessica Simpson's new boyfriend.
0% 0 vote(s)
Who do you think planted all that ecoli laden spinach?
22.7% 10 vote(s)
He's the headline act at Mel's Piano Bar.
4.5% 2 vote(s)
He's the new manager of the Cleveland 7-11.
15.9% 7 vote(s)
Who do you think sends fan mail to Katie Couric?
13.6% 6 vote(s)
He's replacing Star Jones on "The View."
6.8% 3 vote(s)
His MySpace blog is updated daily.
27.3% 12 vote(s)
Someone in Pakistan keeps lobbing half eaten haggis' over the Afghanistan border.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 44
Domino's Pizza delivery driver Jim Pohle has created the first pizza delivery driver's union. Why did he create the union?
He needed a vacation and, wouldn't you know it, the union's first order of business is a strike.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
It was a toss up between that and running for president.
20.5% 9 vote(s)
Jimmy Hoffa told him to do it in a dream.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
He says he has a severe allergy to peanuts and refuses to work for them.
4.5% 2 vote(s)
To keep Papa John's from muscling in on his territory.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
So people will quit laughing at him when he says he's a 37-year-old professional pizza driver.
43.2% 19 vote(s)
Always wanted to have ties with the mob.
11.4% 5 vote(s)
It was his way of fighting back when Domino's shot down his idea for haggis pizza.
13.6% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 44
What does the space shuttle crew do for fun in space?
Tell mission control, "Houston, there has been a disturbance in the force. It's like a million voices were just silenced. Oh wait. Maybe it was just gas.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Get a beach towel, lay out on a wing and catch some rays.
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Get drunk on Romulan Ale.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Tell mission control, "Houston we have a problem. The transporter is malfunctioning and the dilithium crystals are almost depleted.
20.0% 6 vote(s)
See who can pee the farthest.
26.7% 8 vote(s)
No more space walks. Now it's space football!
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Tell mission control, "Houston we have a problem. A Klingon Bird of Prey has just de-cloaked off the starboard side.
16.7% 5 vote(s)
3D haggis volleyball in the cargo bay.
6.7% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced that he will be stepping down before the end of the year? Why?
He's moving to the White House.
2.6% 1 vote(s)
Want's to move to a safer neighborhood.
7.9% 3 vote(s)
He's running in the next California gubernatorial race.
13.2% 5 vote(s)
To pursue his life long dream to be an AmWay distribitor.
15.8% 6 vote(s)
Tired of playing second fiddle to the Queen.
26.3% 10 vote(s)
He's replacing Star Jones on "The View."
13.2% 5 vote(s)
He's drunk.
10.5% 4 vote(s)
Parliment won't go for his "haggis in every pot" proposal.
10.5% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 38
The Ford Motor Corporation is floundering. What can they do to cut costs or boost sales?
Bring back the Edsel.
42.9% 12 vote(s)
Take a look at the new Fiesta scooter.
3.6% 1 vote(s)
This model gets great mileage. Just twist this rubber band and let 'er go!
14.3% 4 vote(s)
With our new five gallon gas tank, it costs almost nothing to fill it up.
7.1% 2 vote(s)
With the new "EZ Start" crank, there's no need for a fancy electronic starter.
0% 0 vote(s)
Sure it may look like a cardboard box but wait until you experience the ride that high quality skateboard wheels give you.
3.6% 1 vote(s)
The Pinto is much safer now that we've put the gas tank in the drivers seat.
17.9% 5 vote(s)
Buy an Explorer and we'll fill it up with haggis.
10.7% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 28
Scientists now say that Pluto is not a planet. What is it?
A tiny spec of dust on the lens of the hubble telescope.
22.2% 10 vote(s)
An al-Qaeda training camp.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Brittney Spears' brain.
26.7% 12 vote(s)
A Wal-Mart Supercenter.
11.1% 5 vote(s)
The location of Iraqi WMD's.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Deep Space Nine.
17.8% 8 vote(s)
A chunk of Kryptonite.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
A huge ball of haggis.
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
Mel Gibson was recently arrested for driving while impaired. What was his excuse for drinking and driving?
God watches over fools and drunks.
7.7% 3 vote(s)
I just got the news that Star Jones was bumped from "The View."
10.3% 4 vote(s)
Doing research for a movie role where I play a drunken maniac.
17.9% 7 vote(s)
Danny Glover and I only had a couple beers on his boat and that's all.
12.8% 5 vote(s)
Any publicity is good publicity.
12.8% 5 vote(s)
Hey guys! It's me! Mad Max!
12.8% 5 vote(s)
Dick Cheney pointed a shotgun at me and said, "Drink!"
12.8% 5 vote(s)
That's not alcohol you smell. It's just a soured haggis.
12.8% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 39
Homeland Security claims it will have a warning device in place that will notify people of national disasters. How will you be warned of impending doom?
A giant bat signal in the sky.
27.1% 16 vote(s)
Star Jones will announce it on "The View." What's that? Oh. Nevermind.
5.1% 3 vote(s)
A string and two paper cups.
6.8% 4 vote(s)
Congress will run "willie nillie" through the streets.
6.8% 4 vote(s)
Superman will knock on everyone's door.
5.1% 3 vote(s)
Dick Cheney will fire several warning shots into the air.
13.6% 8 vote(s)
Look for the huge mushroom cloud.
30.5% 18 vote(s)
You'll get a haggis in the mail.
5.1% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 59
What is the number one thing learned by the White House "Director of Lessons Learned?"
Stove tops may be hot.
6.0% 3 vote(s)
You should never ask Dick Cheney to go hunting.
20.0% 10 vote(s)
All employees should wash hands after using restroom.
6.0% 3 vote(s)
Make sure the president knows the location of the exit before the end of a press conference.
8.0% 4 vote(s)
Newklir... noocilar... nucilor... nhuukilir... oh forget it.
12.0% 6 vote(s)
Make sure your microphone is turned off before lunch.
28.0% 14 vote(s)
Don't let the press find out that there is such a thing as a Director of Lessons Learned.
10.0% 5 vote(s)
Haggis is mmm mmm good.
10.0% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 50
What is the most important decision made at the G8 conference?
Coke is better than Pepsi.
23.6% 13 vote(s)
40,000 comedians out of work and Vladimir Putin is trying to be one.
10.9% 6 vote(s)
Whoever finds Osama bin Laden first wins a brand new 2006 Pontiac Vibe.
16.4% 9 vote(s)
Global warming is due to a glitch in the matrix.
18.2% 10 vote(s)
Next years slogan: "I could have had a G8."
3.6% 2 vote(s)
Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King aren't gay.
3.6% 2 vote(s)
"Cars" is the best movie ever.
7.3% 4 vote(s)
More haggis. Less talk.
16.4% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 55
What is the best feature of the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter?
3D imaging helmet visor complete with Ms. Pac-Man.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
Before ejecting, an onboard computer MC asks, "Do you want to go faster?"
6.5% 3 vote(s)
FM satellite plays continuous "Top Gun" loop.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
With the top down on a sunny day, it's a real "chick magnet" on the freeway.
30.4% 14 vote(s)
GPS completely integrates with MapQuest.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Equipped with an EZ Pass for Middle Eastern countries.
17.4% 8 vote(s)
A stewardess personally demonstrates the safety features before each flight.
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Auto haggis dispenser.
13.0% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
What is the primary responsibility of the National Guard?
To protect the American way of life, preferably in Cancun.
5.6% 3 vote(s)
To escort Star Jones from the set of "The View."
9.3% 5 vote(s)
To help illegal aliens safely cross the border into the U.S.
20.4% 11 vote(s)
To keep the peace at Presidential family gatherings.
7.4% 4 vote(s)
By any means possible, guard the country with their lives, one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer.
25.9% 14 vote(s)
To assist Superman in protecting life, liberty and the American way.
22.2% 12 vote(s)
To encourage the ranks to become president, one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer.
5.6% 3 vote(s)
To protect our most valuable national tresure: the haggis.
3.7% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 54
Star Jones is leaving "The View." Why?
She gave an un-prescribed bottle of Viagra to Rush Linbaugh.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Since she's lost weight, she can no longer be the token overweight loudmouth. Enter Rosie O'Donnell.
40.0% 18 vote(s)
She slid by the endorsement plagued wedding controversy but the network just can't overlook her blatant on-air plugs for Amway.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Thinks she's replacing Dan Rather.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
She's starting her own show called, "People Who Feel Like They've Been Fired from 'The View.'"
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Has taken a job at Hooters.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
She's drunk.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Tested positive for haggis.
24.4% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
You have just won the lottery. What will you buy first?
Ten million snickers bars.
13.2% 7 vote(s)
No more wrapping your feet in newspaper. You're going straight to the shoe store to be fitted for a brand new pair of shoe boxes.
9.4% 5 vote(s)
To ensure that you never run out again, eighty tons of bathroom tissue.
30.2% 16 vote(s)
No more riding the tandem. Bicycles for the whole family!
3.8% 2 vote(s)
One of them fancy shower curtains with the flowers all over it.
18.9% 10 vote(s)
No more sleeping under bridges. You're buying a brand new refrigerator box.
9.4% 5 vote(s)
A jar of salve for that thirty year old rash.
5.7% 3 vote(s)
A lifetime supply of haggis.
9.4% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 53
President Bush is sending National Guard troops to the Mexican border. Why?
To look for UFO's dropping off illegal aliens.
6.8% 3 vote(s)
The CIA told him that WMD's were buried there.
13.6% 6 vote(s)
Once the last person crosses and Mexico is finally empty, the Guardsmen will cross the border and attack while screaming, "Remember the Alamo!"
13.6% 6 vote(s)
To supervise illegal aliens as they build a 370 mile fence on a 1900 mile long border.
31.8% 14 vote(s)
Dick Cheney wants to go quail hunting in Tijuana.
0% 0 vote(s)
To make sure that every Mexican citizen crosses the border safely.
20.5% 9 vote(s)
To protect the border one weekend a month and two full weeks in the summer.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
He's searching for the proverbial Fountain of Haggis.
4.5% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 44
If you use email, it is inevitable that you will get spam. What is your favorite spam subject line?
Refinance Your Home Now and Get a Free Tee Shirt
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Let Us Relieve You of Your Cash
15.6% 5 vote(s)
Fool Your Brain Into Thinking That Our Offer is Legitimate
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Stock Market Tips: How to Turn $1000 into $1 Overnight
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Low Cost Placebos
12.5% 4 vote(s)
Poor Quality Products at High Prices
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Fraudulent University Diplomas from Prestigious Sounding Non-existant Institutions
18.8% 6 vote(s)
Smoother Skin With Haggis
25.0% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
Why has President Bush picked now to crack down on immigration?
DIck Cheney volunteered to patrol the border and do a little "bird" hunting.
14.7% 5 vote(s)
His daughters report that if any more locals leave Cancun, they'll be forced to stay home and "go wild" in Washington.
26.5% 9 vote(s)
CIA has reported that the dreaded terrorist Poncho Via could slip over the border at any time.
2.9% 1 vote(s)
He's still mad about that cute little Taco Bell dog being taken of the air.
8.8% 3 vote(s)
He found out that his daughter was dating the White House pool boy.
14.7% 5 vote(s)
Has some left over fencing from his ranch.
5.9% 2 vote(s)
He's still upset over Antonio Banderas' refusal to work for Homeland Security as Zorro.
14.7% 5 vote(s)
There just isn't enough haggis to go around.
11.8% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 34
What is the main requirement for the job of CIA director?
Must already be a government employee used to sitting around doing nothing.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
Must have the ability to make bad situations worse.
21.4% 9 vote(s)
Must be able to explain why aliens are invading Florida every Wednesday night at 10 pm. 9 PM central.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
Must be able to ignore all real threats to national security.
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Must have the creative ability to fabricate threats to national security.
11.9% 5 vote(s)
Must be able to make crucial decisions by use of the Magic 8-Ball.
19.0% 8 vote(s)
Must be technologically savvy enough to produce satellite imagery of Jessica Simpson.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Must never disclose to the public, the President's insatiable appetite for haggis.
16.7% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
What was the real reason that Representative Patrick Kennedy crashed his car?
It was a publicity stunt.
8.1% 3 vote(s)
He wanted to make his dear old dad proud.
27.0% 10 vote(s)
Lost control while putting on his panty hose.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Two words: beer run.
16.2% 6 vote(s)
He was in more of a coma than usual.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Never scratch off lottery tickets and drive.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Couldn't find a bridge or a pregnant woman. Went for the next best thing.
27.0% 10 vote(s)
He was high on haggis.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
Why wasn't the USS North Carolina at Pearl Harbor when the Japanese attacked on December 7th 1941?
It was up on blocks in the Admiral's front yard.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
The crew was at a pig pickin'.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Two words: Beer run.
21.9% 7 vote(s)
The Captain had it out bass fishing.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Intercoastal waterway; 27 knots; 150 skiers.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Nine 16 inch guns can hit a "mess" of deer from 20 miles away. Need I say more?
12.5% 4 vote(s)
The crew was watching Jerry Springer.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
On orders from President Franklin D. Roosevelt, it was trolling for haggis.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
You have invented a new soft drink. What is it called?
Dr. Salt
7.1% 4 vote(s)
Diet H2O
33.9% 19 vote(s)
Carbonated Weight Gain
8.9% 5 vote(s)
Valley Dew
10.7% 6 vote(s)
Caffeine Free Baking Soda
12.5% 7 vote(s)
Mr. Poop
7.1% 4 vote(s)
8-Up
7.1% 4 vote(s)
Coca Haggis
12.5% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 56
You have just illegally crossed over the Mexican border into the United States. Why?
Your life long desire has been to work in the U.S as a lawncare specialist.
21.4% 6 vote(s)
All the cool kids are doing it.
10.7% 3 vote(s)
To fulfill your dream of seeing the world's biggest ball of twine.
10.7% 3 vote(s)
With only one Hispanic sitcom, the field is wide open.
14.3% 4 vote(s)
You've always wanted to travel. Migrant farming is your ticket.
7.1% 2 vote(s)
Better malls.
7.1% 2 vote(s)
You saw an omen. The sacred tortilla shaped like Wisconsin.
7.1% 2 vote(s)
You are a haggis burrito smuggler.
21.4% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 28
Katie Couric is leaving NBC to go to CBS. Why?
She has the hots for Letterman.
11.4% 4 vote(s)
To keep Tom Brokaw from hitting on her.
5.7% 2 vote(s)
She made the decision while drunk.
0% 0 vote(s)
Couldn't handle her grueling 3 hour a day work schedule.
17.1% 6 vote(s)
Not enough whining on the set since Bryant Gumbel left.
11.4% 4 vote(s)
25 cents more an hour.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
It's time to make the morning staff at CBS as miserable as she made the staff at NBC.
28.6% 10 vote(s)
CBS's commissary has haggis.
17.1% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 35
What's the best part of being employed by Wal*Mart?
Low prices, low wages.
14.8% 4 vote(s)
No longer have to worry about the high cost of health insurance because you don't have any.
18.5% 5 vote(s)
You take comfort in knowing that an 8 year-old in Bangladesh can use a rock to build an $11 toaster in under 14 hours.
11.1% 3 vote(s)
The satisfaction in knowing that local small businesses are being driven to extinction.
11.1% 3 vote(s)
The false sense of security that the unmanned security cameras give you when walking to your car in the poorly lit parking lot.
11.1% 3 vote(s)
The warm feeling you get knowing that discrimination against women is still alive.
3.7% 1 vote(s)
Being a member of the team that works 12 hours but only gets paid for 8.
11.1% 3 vote(s)
What's that odor wafting from the deli? It's the smell of freshly imported Chinese haggis.
18.5% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 27
Spring is here and the summer movies are right around the corner. Which blockbuster are you waiting to see?
The sequel to Tom Cruise's "The Firm," entitled, "The Flabby."
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Dick Cheney's version of "The Killing Fields."
31.2% 10 vote(s)
Mission Impossible 4: Pulling Out of Iraq.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
The film about really, really old dinosaurs: Geriatric Park.
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Plan 9 From Outer Space II.
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Terminator 4: The Governator is Back.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Bambi 2006: Doe's Gone Wild.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
Harry Potter and The Magic Haggis.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
Saddam Hussein testified at his trial. What did he say?
Is this the audition for American Idol?
17.0% 8 vote(s)
As soon as I am acquitted, I'm going to Disney World.
25.5% 12 vote(s)
Hey, I might be pretty messed up but at least I'm no Michael Jackson.
25.5% 12 vote(s)
I'll take "WMD" for 100, Alex.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
Doritos. New look. Same great taste.
2.1% 1 vote(s)
None of the other imprisoned dictators will talk to me.
10.6% 5 vote(s)
Like my suit? You can thank Queer Eye for the Straight Guy baby!
4.3% 2 vote(s)
The prison haggis is giving me gas.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 47
Vice President Dick Cheney shot his lawyer buddy while quail hunting. Why?
He mistook him for Dan Quayle.
15.1% 11 vote(s)
Got tired of his friend's references to "Brokeback Mountain."
15.1% 11 vote(s)
Wants to be known as "The VP of Mass Destruction."
15.1% 11 vote(s)
Thought he looked a little "bird fluish."
4.1% 3 vote(s)
What's one less lawyer?
24.7% 18 vote(s)
His pacemaker went haywire.
0% 0 vote(s)
Wanted desperately to be sued just one more time.
5.5% 4 vote(s)
Too much Wild Turkey and not enough haggis.
20.5% 15 vote(s)
Total Votes: 73
You have contracted the bird flu. What is your biggest symptom?
Undeniable urge to fly south for the winter.
26.1% 12 vote(s)
You taste like chicken.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Can't stop pooping on your neighbors windshield.
28.3% 13 vote(s)
You're building a two story nest in a tree in your back yard.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
No longer need to shower. Instead, you just molt.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
You have changed your will to state that you want to be buried in a shoebox.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Sudden fear of cats.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
You're eating meals out of a bird feeder stuffed with haggis.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
You have just opened a new fast food restaurant. What is your slogan?
Guaranteed To Clog An Artery.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
Maximum Taste. Minimum Wage.
17.4% 8 vote(s)
Endorsed By Bill Clinton.
17.4% 8 vote(s)
Every Patty Touched By Every Employee's Hands.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Gain A Pound Every Day.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Over 90 Billion Bypasses.
23.9% 11 vote(s)
Pretty Doggone Close To Being Tasty.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Made From 100% Aged Haggis.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
During an appearance at Kansas State University, President Bush was asked about his opinion of "Brokeback Mountain." He hesitated before responding. What was he thinking during the hesitation?
That reminds me. I gotta git a new pair of chaps.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Can't be no funnier than that "Will 'n Grace."
2.3% 1 vote(s)
Finally, a question I can sink my teeth into.
7.0% 3 vote(s)
Ain't that the picture show 'bout ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'?
7.0% 3 vote(s)
Best movie ever!
7.0% 3 vote(s)
Wish my daddy would let me go see it.
25.6% 11 vote(s)
If it ain't got stuff blowin' up, what's the point?
27.9% 12 vote(s)
When is someone going to ask me a really important question about something like the future of haggis mining.
14.0% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
You have been named "Person of the Year" by Time magazine. Why?
You're the last person on Earth.
23.3% 10 vote(s)
The uncanny ability to curl your lip proves that you are, indeed, Elvis reincarnated.
4.7% 2 vote(s)
You've discovered that gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
34.9% 15 vote(s)
Due to your tireless missionary efforts, you have finally taught all Floridians how to correctly punch out Chad.
4.7% 2 vote(s)
You can belch The Star Spangled Banner.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
The popularity of your spectacular TV Guide expose entitled, "The Greatest Show on Earth: Matlock."
2.3% 1 vote(s)
You're the buyer of the bizillionth McNugget.
18.6% 8 vote(s)
You have eaten your weight in haggis.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
You are on the space shuttle. What do you do for fun?
Replace the contents of the Tang jar with Metamucil.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
Put a Yugo emblem on the flight stick.
5.9% 3 vote(s)
Sneak up to the Mir Space station. Ring the doorbell. Float away quickly.
23.5% 12 vote(s)
Dump the sewage tanks over Iran.
31.4% 16 vote(s)
Fill up someone's spacesuit with Cheez Whiz. Claim that it's "moon rain."
5.9% 3 vote(s)
Spontaneously start screaming that there is an alien trying to gnaw it's way out of your stomach. Calm down and say, "Maybe it was just gas."
7.8% 4 vote(s)
Moon the moon.
11.8% 6 vote(s)
Haggis football in the cargo bay.
5.9% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 51
You suspect that you're about to be fired. Why?
Your White-Out addiction has been discovered.
15.4% 6 vote(s)
Even though you call it your new office, everyone else still calls it the janitor's closet.
15.4% 6 vote(s)
You're Michael Brown.
2.6% 1 vote(s)
Coworkers casually refer to you as "The guy formerly know as 'employee.'"
12.8% 5 vote(s)
You're the coach for the Detroit Lions.
7.7% 3 vote(s)
Last time you talked about your boss it was from the witness stand.
28.2% 11 vote(s)
Your boss is Donald Trump.
5.1% 2 vote(s)
Everyone but you was given a bonus haggis.
12.8% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 39
It's 2006. What have you resolved to do?
Stop smoking in the shower.
16.7% 7 vote(s)
Replace that old embarrassing Bee Gees tattoo with a brand new embarrassing Bee Gees tattoo.
2.4% 1 vote(s)
Try to be as girlish as Richard Simmons.
0% 0 vote(s)
Follow your dream of being a professional Macarena dancer.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Petition the Olympic committee to add "Dodge Spitting" to this years roster.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
Get at least 23 hours of sleep each night.
21.4% 9 vote(s)
Find out what "resolution" means.
35.7% 15 vote(s)
Seven days a week. Seven haggis binges a week.
14.3% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
What is your New Year's resolution?
Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut.
56.7% 17 vote(s)
Spread rumors daily.
6.7% 2 vote(s)
Stop reading books. Watch more television.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Become homeless.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Stop returning things you borrow.
6.7% 2 vote(s)
Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a sanitation engineer.
0% 0 vote(s)
Celebrate Christmas everyday. Leave the decorations up until next year.
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Eat more haggis.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
What do you do on Christmas Eve?
Stay up late waiting for the ghost of Bob Cratchit.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Put mistletoe above your cellmate's bunk.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Shoot your eye out.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Start your Christmas shopping.
29.7% 11 vote(s)
Call the bank and say, "You sit around here and you spin your little webs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your money. Well, it doesn't, Mr. Potter! In the; in the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider."
8.1% 3 vote(s)
Go trick or treating.
16.2% 6 vote(s)
Repeatedly and obsessively open the sash to see what is the matter.
13.5% 5 vote(s)
Hand out haggis to the homeless.
16.2% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
Your Aunt Emma gives you a hideous looking sweater for Christmas. What do you say to her?
I really don't deserve this.
18.3% 11 vote(s)
I sure hope this never spontaneously combusts.
6.7% 4 vote(s)
I'll have to hide this from the garbage man. He'll steal it if he sees it.
8.3% 5 vote(s)
Words won't express how I'll feel if the dog should chew this.
11.7% 7 vote(s)
I'm giving all my gifts to the Salvation Army this year.
6.7% 4 vote(s)
This is just too nice to wear.
26.7% 16 vote(s)
I'm sure it will fit after I lose a few pounds.
10.0% 6 vote(s)
This will make a wonderful haggis warmer.
11.7% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
What is your favorite Christmas tradition?
The lighting of Uncle Ed.
12.0% 3 vote(s)
Cleaning dried up Christmas tree needles out of the carpet.
12.0% 3 vote(s)
Listening to Uncle Ed read "The Night Before Christmas" after he's lit.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
Listening to Aunt Emma snore.
16.0% 4 vote(s)
Watching the cat hack up tinsel.
16.0% 4 vote(s)
Cleaning broken ornament glass out of the carpet.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
The boiling of the Christmas turkey.
8.0% 2 vote(s)
Putting up the haggis Christmas tree topper.
20.0% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 25
What is Santa bringing you this year?
Turbo charged nose hair trimmer with pull start and kick stand.
29.4% 10 vote(s)
Genuine imitation vinyl bed sheets.
8.8% 3 vote(s)
A 4200 pound paper weight made from a real 1958 Edsel.
5.9% 2 vote(s)
A full sized portrait of Elvis made entirely of elbow macaroni.
11.8% 4 vote(s)
The giant Macy's parade float of Jimmy Durante's nose.
8.8% 3 vote(s)
Gasoline fired tea kettle with the patented industrial Halon fire extinguishing system.
2.9% 1 vote(s)
A brand new Ernest Borgnine action figure.
14.7% 5 vote(s)
Haggis flavored eggnog.
17.6% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 34
It's Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for?
Processed congealed cranberries packed in a can.
5.0% 2 vote(s)
Martha Stewart was released from the big house in time to tell us about that old time holiday favorite; Microwave Nachos à la Martha.
5.0% 2 vote(s)
Macy's parade's anatomically correct Underdog balloon.
7.5% 3 vote(s)
Wild Turkey.
15.0% 6 vote(s)
The new science fiction adventure space movie about old overweight Apollo astronauts; The Right Stuffing.
5.0% 2 vote(s)
The cranberry sauce matches your eyes.
10.0% 4 vote(s)
When the turkey has been eaten, the game is over and the family is gone.
42.5% 17 vote(s)
The turkey flaovored haggis tastes like chicken.
10.0% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 40
You are Mike Tyson. What is the best thing about being you?
You are one of the few people who knows that the human ear tastes like chicken.
39.5% 17 vote(s)
Ignorance is bliss.
25.6% 11 vote(s)
It's the small things that are important. Things like three square meals a day, a little exercise out in the yard, doing laundry, getting out of solitary...
11.6% 5 vote(s)
Remembering when you found out that boxing didn't have anything to do with pasteboard.
0% 0 vote(s)
Success means never having to read again.
4.7% 2 vote(s)
Your lovely speaking voice.
7.0% 3 vote(s)
Being secure in your insecurities.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
Eating haggis brings back memories of delicious prison food.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles are visiting the United States. Why?
They heard that the President was handing out free ATM cards.
4.2% 2 vote(s)
As a tribute to the end of daylight savings time, Prince's Charles' ears will block the sun and make it dark at precisely 4 PM.
14.6% 7 vote(s)
Needed a vacation from their grueling two day work week.
4.2% 2 vote(s)
To bestow knighthood on Jack Daniels.
8.3% 4 vote(s)
They came to get a sense of humor so they can laugh at themselves just like everyone else does.
20.8% 10 vote(s)
Came to get some "laundry" tips from Tom Delay.
4.2% 2 vote(s)
Nobody really know's but it certainly isn't to win a beauty contest.
35.4% 17 vote(s)
Just can't get a good haggis at the palace anymore.
8.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 48
What is the best way to avoid getting the bird flu?
Meow like a cat.
20.0% 6 vote(s)
Fill bird feeders with penicillin.
20.0% 6 vote(s)
Avoid birds that sneeze.
20.0% 6 vote(s)
Do not eat any fowl before thoroughly soaking it in bleach.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Stay away from Larry Bird.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Drink lots and lots of Listerine.
6.7% 2 vote(s)
Shoot every bird in sight.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Live only on a diet of delicious haggis.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
Throughout the world there are about 9000 earthquakes per day. Why?
They're caused by the Earth's wiggling pins falling out of the wobbling holes.
12.3% 7 vote(s)
Every time a Hell's Angel gets his wings.
3.5% 2 vote(s)
Whenever Michael Jackson has a new plastic surgery.
15.8% 9 vote(s)
Godzilla!
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Everytime Tom Delay is indicted.
3.5% 2 vote(s)
Vibrations from all those clappers being turned on and off.
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Flatulence.
33.3% 19 vote(s)
Exploding haggis.
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 57
Your picture is the newspaper. Why?
You discovered Saddam's WMD. Pictures of him standing in his underwear.
5.6% 2 vote(s)
You have just been nominated for the position of Supreme Court Jester.
19.4% 7 vote(s)
You have accused tom DeLay of bullying you out of your lunch money.
2.8% 1 vote(s)
You have actually found a useful purpose for the Ronco Pocket Fisherman. Jammed between a threshold and kick plate, it makes a delightful doorstop.
8.3% 3 vote(s)
You have just become the Chancellor of Pacific Western University .
8.3% 3 vote(s)
You have just made your first million selling pillows stuffed with belly button lint.
16.7% 6 vote(s)
You have successfully made mountains out of molehills
27.8% 10 vote(s)
You have announced that haggis is no longer an endangered specie.
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
New York Times reporter Judith Miller is released after nearly three months in prison. Why did she agree to testify about the Bush administration's disclosure of a covert CIA officer's identity?
Thanks to the example set by Jose Conseco, she kicked her steroid habit and came to her senses.
7.1% 1 vote(s)
Her beard was becoming almost as long as Saddam's.
21.4% 3 vote(s)
No chance for a California jury in Manhattan.
14.3% 2 vote(s)
Finally gave up on getting one of those Martha Stewart "confined to your 153-acre estate" sentences.
21.4% 3 vote(s)
If the glove fits, the judge won't acquit.
0% 0 vote(s)
Even after all that time Judith spent watching the show, an ungrateful Ally McBeal still wouldn't defend her.
14.3% 2 vote(s)
She was afraid the press would publish degrading pictures of her standing around in a pair of men's briefs.
7.1% 1 vote(s)
The Democrats bribed her with an offer she couldn't refuse. Free haggis for life.
14.3% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 14
FEMA Director Michael Brown was fired because...
he tried to blame hurricane Katrina on Al Qaeda.
31.4% 11 vote(s)
he's scared of Cajuns.
0% 0 vote(s)
doing nothing made him feel important.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
as he likes to think, "Why rush? It ain't like them people is kin."
11.4% 4 vote(s)
he's wants to be the next Supreme Court Justice.
0% 0 vote(s)
he was holding back supplies for a real emergency.
25.7% 9 vote(s)
he thought Louisiana was a Soviet republic.
8.6% 3 vote(s)
folks needed water, not 57 truck loads of haggis.
14.3% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 35
Finish the following statement. My dream job is to be...
a Ronco Pocket Fisherman tester.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
a bean butcher.
7.0% 3 vote(s)
a back hair transplanter.
4.7% 2 vote(s)
an odor judge.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
a pine cone taster.
2.3% 1 vote(s)
a vacuum cleaner dust pathologist.
11.6% 5 vote(s)
a cat bag releaser.
18.6% 8 vote(s)
a haggis farmer.
44.2% 19 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
The economy seems to be getting better. Why?
Ronco is churning out massive amounts of the Pocket Fisherman.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
Vast quantities of Doritos being consumed by Saddam Hussein.
19.2% 5 vote(s)
McGoogle's Internet cheeseburgers.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
PhD grads finally getting a well paid career as Wal-Mart cashiers.
19.2% 5 vote(s)
Amway has finally recruited everyone.
19.2% 5 vote(s)
America has been bought by China.
23.1% 6 vote(s)
Large surplus from sale of WMD's to Iraq.
7.7% 2 vote(s)
Exports of haggis to Mexico have surged.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
Total Votes: 26
The U.S. is closing many of its military bases. Why?
Wal-Mart needs the space for more Supercenters.
42.9% 27 vote(s)
Nobody is currently occupying the bases. They're all in Iraq.
11.1% 7 vote(s)
The military jobs are being outsourced to China.
7.9% 5 vote(s)
Less military spending. More pork barrel spending.
6.3% 4 vote(s)
Donald Rumsfeld lost them in a poker game.
7.9% 5 vote(s)
They forgot to pay the power bill.
4.8% 3 vote(s)
Iraqi delegation is set to search them for WMD's.
7.9% 5 vote(s)
They're being turned into giant haggis warehouses.
11.1% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 63
You have gone to see the new "Dukes of Hazard" movie. Why?
You wanted to see if the ever talented Johnny Knoxville could do justice in the role of Luke.
13.2% 5 vote(s)
You just can't hear "Yee haw" enough.
2.6% 1 vote(s)
You thought John Wayne was the star.
5.3% 2 vote(s)
You'll watch anything.
18.4% 7 vote(s)
You wanted to see if it was any good before you bought the book.
5.3% 2 vote(s)
You thought that this would be the movie that would finally launch Burt Reynolds's career.
7.9% 3 vote(s)
You love any movie that is packed with so much true to life realism.
18.4% 7 vote(s)
You somehow thought the movie was actually the "Dukes of Haggis."
28.9% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 38
Martha Stewart's house arrest has been extended until August 31. Why?
She doesn't want to waste all those accessories she's bought to go with her ankle bracelet.
14.0% 6 vote(s)
The judge thinks that she'll really learn her lesson after three more weeks.
7.0% 3 vote(s)
She needs the time to ween herself from the 24/7 wandering around the house in her bathrobe.
4.7% 2 vote(s)
The judge caught her making a 14th tart; one tart over the legal bakers dozen.
7.0% 3 vote(s)
Her urine tested positive for parsley.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
The judge won't disclose why but said if she violates her parole again she could have to serve 20 years in Congress.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Letting her out this early could raise the terror alert to mauve.
32.6% 14 vote(s)
That's when she'll be done preparing the perfect haggis.
16.3% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43

Tom Cruise has professed his love for Katie Holmes. Why?
He's a dirty old man.
3.8% 2 vote(s)
Flashy new car wasn't satisfying his mid life crisis.
15.4% 8 vote(s)
Katie's not as smart as Nicole Kidman.
15.4% 8 vote(s)
She has no clue as to what all that Scientology garbage is all about.
11.5% 6 vote(s)
He wants to be like Michael Jackson and hanging out with Katie is almost like hanging out with 13 year old boys.
9.6% 5 vote(s)
He's not as smart as Nicole Kidman.
11.5% 6 vote(s)
He's not happy unless he's making the world throw up.
17.3% 9 vote(s)
She makes a mean haggis.
15.4% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 52

President Bush has named John G. Roberts Jr. as his nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court. What is John's best qualification?
He thinks WMD means, "What Would Moses Do?"
34.0% 16 vote(s)
He can burp the alphabet.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
His hair never moves.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
He makes the best balloon animals.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
He doesn't know any CIA operatives.
14.9% 7 vote(s)
He's the 1978 national hotdog eating champion.
10.6% 5 vote(s)
He's never let a speeder go unpunished.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
He can stuff a whole haggis in his mouth at one time.
12.8% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 47

Sandra Bullock married Jesse James. Why?
She thought a "chop shop" had something to do with pork.
20.8% 5 vote(s)
All that loot he has from robbing banks back in the 1800's.
33.3% 8 vote(s)
Doesn't realize that Jesse's choppers are really made in Mexico.
0% 0 vote(s)
She got him mixed up with Billy the Kid.
0% 0 vote(s)
Because he bought her a very special wedding ring. It was imported all the way from China.
20.8% 5 vote(s)
Hopes that an association with Jesse will make her famous.
8.3% 2 vote(s)
Loves to fire six shooters in saloons.
8.3% 2 vote(s)
He makes a mean haggis.
8.3% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 24
What is Saddam Hussein doing to pass the time while incarcerated?
Thinking about Sandra Day O'Connor taking a job at Hooters.
12.1% 4 vote(s)
Digging a secret spider hole underneath his bunk.
9.1% 3 vote(s)
Standing around in his underwear.
18.2% 6 vote(s)
Does Yosemite Sam impersonations to amuse cellmates.
18.2% 6 vote(s)
Learning to crotchet.
6.1% 2 vote(s)
Convincing his lawyer that he needs a Los Angeles jury.
12.1% 4 vote(s)
Smears mustache with soap. Makes mustache sculptures.
9.1% 3 vote(s)
Building a haggis of mass destruction.
15.2% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 33
Sandra Day O'Connor is retiring from the Supreme Court. Why?
She's taking a job at Hooters.
29.2% 19 vote(s)
Her husband wants her back in the kitchen where she belongs.
15.4% 10 vote(s)
Her true love is stand-up comedy.
4.6% 3 vote(s)
It's getting in the way of her beer binges.
3.1% 2 vote(s)
To follow her dream of traveling across country in a big rig.
4.6% 3 vote(s)
Since Michael Jackson's acquittal, she has lost faith in the justice system.
27.7% 18 vote(s)
She's vying to be the next contestant on MTV's Road Rules.
7.7% 5 vote(s)
Once the news media finds out she's a haggis addict, it will be all over anyway.
7.7% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 65
Michael Jackson was acquitted because...
the jury was mesmerized by Jackson's incredible shrinking nose.
5.8% 3 vote(s)
the jury was drunk.
5.8% 3 vote(s)
nothing bad ever happens in Neverland.
9.6% 5 vote(s)
the glove didn't fit.
17.3% 9 vote(s)
the jury was intimidated by the testimony of a drug crazed Macaulay Culkin.
1.9% 1 vote(s)
Professor Plum did it in the billiards room with the candlestick.
17.3% 9 vote(s)
the jury just couldn't send a middle aged white woman to prison.
34.6% 18 vote(s)
MJ bribed the jury with delicious haggis.
7.7% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 52
W. Mark Felt has confessed to being "Deep Throat," the FBI informant who leaked information to the Washington Post and brought the Watergate scandal into the public eye. In his private life he was never known as "Deep Throat" but was better known as...
Blabbermouth
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Whistleblower
3.2% 1 vote(s)
Stool Pigeon
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Gossip
3.2% 1 vote(s)
Snitch
16.1% 5 vote(s)
Tattletale
9.7% 3 vote(s)
Squealer
12.9% 4 vote(s)
The Almighty Haggismeister
29.0% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 31
If you could pick a fragrance for your intestinal gas, what would it be?
Wet dog
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Skunk
12.5% 4 vote(s)
Gasoline
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Fish
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Burning rubber
3.1% 1 vote(s)
Vicks Vapor Rub
37.5% 12 vote(s)
Cigar smoke
12.5% 4 vote(s)
Haggis
15.6% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
You have just developed a revolutionary new power source. What is it?
A million gerbils marching on a treadmill
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Harnessed the power of eyelid blinking
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Nuclear waste in a tube
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Candles burning at both ends
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Static electricity generated from racing office chairs across a carpet
27.8% 10 vote(s)
Hydro electric toilet flusher
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Sword of Grayskull
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Haggis methane reactor
16.7% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
You are in a restaurant when a waiter, carrying a full tray of food, trips and falls. What do you do?
Quickly scribble "9.4" on your menu and hold it up for all to see.
41.9% 13 vote(s)
Say, "Hey kid! Stop clowning around and get on with some food serving already!"
3.2% 1 vote(s)
Yell, "Say hello to the ground kid!"
0% 0 vote(s)
Call 911.
0% 0 vote(s)
Scream, "Food fight!" Start throwing dinner rolls at him.
16.1% 5 vote(s)
Start crying while wailing, "Oh the horror! The horror of it all!"
0% 0 vote(s)
Start applauding. Yell, "That's entertainment! Bravo! Author! Author!"
9.7% 3 vote(s)
Pay no attention to him. Continue enjoying your delicious haggis.
29.0% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 31
You have arrived home only to find that your house is missing. Where did it go?
It was abducted by aliens.
15.2% 7 vote(s)
Into a bowl of Wendy's chili.
17.4% 8 vote(s)
It was repossessed.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Used as a prop in "Twister 2."
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Practical joking neighbors moved it across the street.
30.4% 14 vote(s)
Ask David Copperfield.
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Giant termites.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
It was demolished to make room for a haggis farm.
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
There is a new development in the Michael Jackson case. What is it?
Macaulay Culkin booby-traps courtroom with paint buckets.
4.2% 1 vote(s)
Because of an injured back, Jackson sends a middle aged white woman as his replacement.
20.8% 5 vote(s)
Jackson causes an international uproar when he dangles Corey Feldman from the courtroom balcony.
4.2% 1 vote(s)
Courtroom soundtrack now available on 8-track tape.
8.3% 2 vote(s)
Paul McCartney dangles Michael Jackson from a balcony in attempt to gain rights to Beatles songs.
20.8% 5 vote(s)
Jackson late to court again. Judge makes him moonwalk for the rest of his trial.
12.5% 3 vote(s)
Michael overdoses on Flintstones Chewables.
20.8% 5 vote(s)
Jackson bribes jurors with haggis buffet.
8.3% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 24
Finish the following statement: You have just been elected...
town drunk
16.7% 6 vote(s)
Queen of Sheba
13.9% 5 vote(s)
jerk of the month
8.3% 3 vote(s)
prince of fools
2.8% 1 vote(s)
senior advisor to the assistant inspector of septic tanks
5.6% 2 vote(s)
secretary of the navels
11.1% 4 vote(s)
village idiot
22.2% 8 vote(s)
Grand Pooh-Bah of the United Amalgamation of Haggis Growers Union
19.4% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
You are a superhero. Who is your arch rival?
Pseudo Man
2.9% 1 vote(s)
The Green Phlegm
11.8% 4 vote(s)
Sneezatore
2.9% 1 vote(s)
The Masked Pantaloon
14.7% 5 vote(s)
Dr. Silly Putty
17.6% 6 vote(s)
The Phantom of the Okra
17.6% 6 vote(s)
Darth Play Doh
8.8% 3 vote(s)
The Evil Mr. Haggis
23.5% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 34
You have just performed a miracle. What was it?
Upon creative investigation, found out that Martha Stewart is innocent.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
Won a lifetime supply of snickers bars by using the DaVinci Code.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
Using only a pencil eraser, a piece of twine and a butter knife, created the first nuclear powered cigar snipper.
11.5% 3 vote(s)
Survived a 24 hour marathon of Brady Bunch reruns.
23.1% 6 vote(s)
Discovered that Jimmy Hoffa and Jerry Falwell are one and the same.
15.4% 4 vote(s)
Manifested a portrait of Elvis in a bowl of Fruit Loops.
19.2% 5 vote(s)
Using only a John Deere tractor, created the world's most mysterious crop circle.
11.5% 3 vote(s)
Turned haggis into wine.
11.5% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 26
Realizing your need for more exercise, you have chosen to participate which one of the following activities?
Cow tipping
20.0% 7 vote(s)
Roller derby
0% 0 vote(s)
Careening uncontrollably until bagneck is achieved
2.9% 1 vote(s)
Doubles scissor tossing
5.7% 2 vote(s)
Throwing caution to the wind
37.1% 13 vote(s)
Extreme shuffle board
14.3% 5 vote(s)
Burp talking
8.6% 3 vote(s)
Haggis speed gorging
11.4% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 35
What picture should be on the next U.S. postage stamp?
Joey Buttofuco
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Iraqi WMD's
26.7% 8 vote(s)
Amelia Bedelia
20.0% 6 vote(s)
Silly Putty
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Kenneth Lay
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Ear wax
10.0% 3 vote(s)
Dennis Kozlowski
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Haggis
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
You are a superhero, impervious to everything but...
Dirty looks
9.4% 5 vote(s)
Tuna fish
1.9% 1 vote(s)
Rap music
22.6% 12 vote(s)
Name calling
7.5% 4 vote(s)
Flannel
7.5% 4 vote(s)
Reruns of the Brady Bunch
30.2% 16 vote(s)
Sticks and stones
1.9% 1 vote(s)
Haggis
18.9% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 53
You are on the cover of Time magazine. Why?
You have invented the ever popular jet propelled fondue fork
3.7% 1 vote(s)
The President has appointed you as his official scapegoat
11.1% 3 vote(s)
You have finished paving the road to hell with good intentions
11.1% 3 vote(s)
Using only Silly Putty, You have repaired Michelangelo's "David"
22.2% 6 vote(s)
Upon further investigation of Saddam Hussein's sock drawer, you discovered weapons of mass destruction
11.1% 3 vote(s)
You have just become Freeze Tag Champion of the world
11.1% 3 vote(s)
Your brilliant success selling cleaning supplies over the Internet with your new multi-level marketing company, Spamway
7.4% 2 vote(s)
After decades of dedicated study and evaluation, you have developed a new theory about the origin of haggis
22.2% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 27
Which of the following would you consider to be your favorite air freshener?
Dirty socks
12.5% 5 vote(s)
Overflowing toilet
12.5% 5 vote(s)
Wet dog
17.5% 7 vote(s)
Burning rubber
10.0% 4 vote(s)
Paper mill
10.0% 4 vote(s)
Rotten eggs
10.0% 4 vote(s)
Convalescent home
2.5% 1 vote(s)
Haggis
25.0% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 40
You have just opened a new restaurant. What did you name it?
General Tsu's Feline Garden
7.0% 3 vote(s)
International House of Cheez Whiz
16.3% 7 vote(s)
Spleen King
2.3% 1 vote(s)
Chitterlings 'R' Us
4.7% 2 vote(s)
Taco el Gato
20.9% 9 vote(s)
Entomology Express
4.7% 2 vote(s)
Leftovers Cafe
32.6% 14 vote(s)
McHaggis
11.6% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
It's your spouses birthday. What gift did you buy?
A 5.2 horsepower Briggs and Stratton gas powered toothbrush
16.1% 5 vote(s)
A "no expense spared" deluxe party at Chucky Cheese
6.5% 2 vote(s)
Live squirrels
9.7% 3 vote(s)
An Elvis Chia Head
12.9% 4 vote(s)
The GE electric toilet brush with built in kick stand and kung fu grip
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Genuine imitation vinyl heated windshield wiper refills
12.9% 4 vote(s)
A turbo charged ultrasonic wet/dry robotic toenail clipper
12.9% 4 vote(s)
An overstuffed haggis
16.1% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 31
You are designing a costume for the hit Broadway production of Scotsmen on Ice. What fabric are you using?
Toilet paper
26.1% 12 vote(s)
Gravel
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Milk jugs
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Rice Krispy Treats
8.7% 4 vote(s)
Hacksaw blades
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Bowling balls
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Live squirrels
34.8% 16 vote(s)
Haggis
17.4% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
You have broken your arm. What do you use as a splint?
Pudding
8.9% 5 vote(s)
Spam
7.1% 4 vote(s)
Spaghetti
23.2% 13 vote(s)
Cinnamon buns
8.9% 5 vote(s)
Salt water taffy
8.9% 5 vote(s)
Chitterlings
5.4% 3 vote(s)
Rice Krispie Treats
16.1% 9 vote(s)
Haggis
21.4% 12 vote(s)
Total Votes: 56

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