Poll-O-Robeo Archives

A weapon of mass destruction has been found in Iraq. What is it?
Spitball
15.6% 7 vote(s)
Frisbee
4.4% 2 vote(s)
Water balloon
13.3% 6 vote(s)
Bagpipe
8.9% 4 vote(s)
Abrams M1A1
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Bottle rocket
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Presto 02910 Salad Shooter
20.0% 9 vote(s)
The dreaded haggis trebuchet
24.4% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
My greatest aspiration is to be president of the...
Village Idiots Union
33.3% 14 vote(s)
Center for Psychic Silly Putty Studies
16.7% 7 vote(s)
Society to Fuel Illiteracy
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Telemarketers Anonymous
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Ron Popiel Clinic for Compulsive Home Shopping
4.8% 2 vote(s)
National Association for the Advancement of Highway Detours
14.3% 6 vote(s)
Alcoholics Unanimous
9.5% 4 vote(s)
Commission for the Enhancement of Haggis
7.1% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
What are you doing right now?
Eating the last cookie.
26.7% 12 vote(s)
Laughing at someone falling down.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
Stealing candy from a baby.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Drinking straight out of the milk container.
6.7% 3 vote(s)
Stopping up a pubic toilet and leaving it without telling anyone.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
Passing gas in a crowded elevator.
15.6% 7 vote(s)
Pretending to be asleep to avoid getting up.
17.8% 8 vote(s)
Snacking on haggis.
22.2% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
What are you doing right now?
Cartwheels.
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Clipping toenails.
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Going to the bathroom.
30.6% 11 vote(s)
Calling 911.
2.8% 1 vote(s)
Careening uncontrollably until bagneck is achieved.
5.6% 2 vote(s)
Studying Ebonics.
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Running "willie nillie" through the streets.
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Stuffing a haggis.
19.4% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
What's the worst thing you have ever done?
Ate the last cookie.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Laughed at someone falling down.
20.0% 9 vote(s)
Stole candy from a baby.
4.4% 2 vote(s)
Drank straight out of the milk container.
13.3% 6 vote(s)
Stopped up a pubic toilet and left it without telling anyone.
11.1% 5 vote(s)
Passed gas in a crowded elevator.
13.3% 6 vote(s)
Pretended to be asleep to avoid getting up.
24.4% 11 vote(s)
Threw away leftover haggis.
11.1% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 45
What is the first thing you do after getting out of bed in the morning?
Yell at your spouse.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Call in sick.
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Take off your cloths, iron them, put them back on.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Fold up your cardboard house.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Alarm clock basketball.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
Go back to bed.
47.8% 22 vote(s)
Go home.
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Two words: haggis biscuit.
17.4% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
What scares you the most?
Reality television.
27.0% 10 vote(s)
Ear hair.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Y3K
2.7% 1 vote(s)
Flaming pants.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Congress.
40.5% 15 vote(s)
Gay midgets.
10.8% 4 vote(s)
Going to work in your pajamas.
2.7% 1 vote(s)
Running out of haggis.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
What is your New Years resolution?
Ignore all credit card bills.
4.8% 1 vote(s)
Cancel the newspaper subscription. Steal the neighbor's
9.5% 2 vote(s)
Monthly 3:00 am prank phone calls to old flames.
14.3% 3 vote(s)
When late for work, leave early to make up for it.
19.0% 4 vote(s)
Adopt the philosophy that dust is a protective covering for furniture.
14.3% 3 vote(s)
Less dietary fiber. More fat and cholesterol.
14.3% 3 vote(s)
Limit bathing to holidays that start with the letter V.
14.3% 3 vote(s)
Eat a fresh haggis every day.
9.5% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 21
Santa has a new reindeer. What is his name?
Boozer
24.6% 14 vote(s)
Gumby
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Crasher
12.3% 7 vote(s)
Dumbo
5.3% 3 vote(s)
Blitzed.
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Grinch
5.3% 3 vote(s)
Prankster
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Haggis
21.1% 12 vote(s)
Total Votes: 57
You are opening Christmas presents with your family. What did Aunt Ethel give you?
The fruitcake that Uncle Henry gave her last year, that Aunt Erma gave her the year before, that Cousin Fred gave her the year before that, Uncle Horace gave him the year before, that you gave to Uncle Horace the year before.
11.5% 3 vote(s)
Despite your severe allergy, doilies made from the fur of her cat.
7.7% 2 vote(s)
Earmuffs. Just what I wanted. These are so hard to find in the Everglades.
11.5% 3 vote(s)
The ever so classic portrait of the dogs playing poker that's always good for a million laughs.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
Nothing says "Christmas" better than a full set of grape jelly glasses.
3.8% 1 vote(s)
A necktie with pictures of Mickey Mouse that plays "It's a Small World." The guys at the office will be so jealous.
11.5% 3 vote(s)
I really needed a toilet plunger. Thanks for giving me your old one.
23.1% 6 vote(s)
Wow! A hand knitted stuffed haggis pillow!
26.9% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 26
You are singing Christmas Carols with your family when your brother indiscreetly passes wind. What do you say?
Nice baritone.
17.9% 7 vote(s)
So much for silent night.
28.2% 11 vote(s)
It came upon a midnight clear.
7.7% 3 vote(s)
Who decked the halls?
5.1% 2 vote(s)
It's good to hear you rejoicing with song.
5.1% 2 vote(s)
Be gone you evil demons!
12.8% 5 vote(s)
That's an odd yule tide.
5.1% 2 vote(s)
Who cut the haggis?
17.9% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 39
How does Santa enter your house?
He throws a fruitcake through the window.
18.2% 6 vote(s)
Rudolph sets off firecrackers in the backyard, creating a diversion as Santa waltzes through the front door.
6.1% 2 vote(s)
He has his own team of crack "B & E" criminals.
3.0% 1 vote(s)
Using a complex system of block and tackle along with Silly Putty and shoe laces, he removes the roof and lands his sleigh directly in the middle of the living room.
6.1% 2 vote(s)
With the aid of high explosives and bulldozers, he tunnels directly underneath the Christmas tree.
3.0% 1 vote(s)
His people contact your people and schedule his arrival time to insure that an easily negotiable, clear path to the Christmas tree is available to offset any possibility of liability on the part of the homeowner.
24.2% 8 vote(s)
He calls in a bomb threat and then disguises himself as a demolitions expert who just happens to be in the neighborhood.
9.1% 3 vote(s)
He rides down the chimney on a flaming haggis.
30.3% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 33
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
Salmonella
12.9% 4 vote(s)
Road rage
6.5% 2 vote(s)
Uninvited guests
12.9% 4 vote(s)
False teeth
9.7% 3 vote(s)
Detours
3.2% 1 vote(s)
Therapy
9.7% 3 vote(s)
TV offers that aren't $79.95 or even $39.95 but for a limited time only are an incredible $19.95
22.6% 7 vote(s)
Boiled haggis
22.6% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 31
Which of the following would be best to say on a first date?
The picture in the post office doesn't do me justice.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
How about lancing this boil for me?
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Hope you don't mind riding in a stolen vehicle.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
I drive better after six or seven beers.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
Let's go back to your place. My place is a cardboard box underneath an overpass.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
I'm currently unemployed but I am studying to become a garbage man.
3.1% 1 vote(s)
I have to stop and withdraw some money from this convenience store. Here, hold my gun will ya?
34.4% 11 vote(s)
Want to see my haggis?
12.5% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
Winter is approaching. What are you doing to prepare?
Stuffing your cheeks with walnuts.
51.7% 15 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with liver pudding.
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with vinegar.
0% 0 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with yogurt.
0% 0 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with steak sauce.
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with Cheeze Whiz.
24.1% 7 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with chutney.
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Stuffing your cheeks with haggis.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 29
You are caught on videotape doing what?
Looking a gift horse in the mouth.
14.0% 6 vote(s)
Putting all your eggs in one basket.
11.6% 5 vote(s)
Walking the straight and narrow.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Facing the music.
11.6% 5 vote(s)
Stealing candy from a baby.
23.3% 10 vote(s)
Rolling with the punches.
7.0% 3 vote(s)
Counting your chickens before they hatch.
9.3% 4 vote(s)
Barking up the wrong haggis.
14.0% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 43
You have just been to a Halloween haunted house. What was the scariest part
It was no more frightening than one of your typical days.
18.9% 7 vote(s)
The ghost of Richard Nixon.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
They couldn't afford live bats. Used pigeons instead.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Folks actually paid money to see it.
35.1% 13 vote(s)
Giant spider was actually William Shatner's toupee.
8.1% 3 vote(s)
The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Black cat is actually a spray painted chihuahua.
16.2% 6 vote(s)
The floating haggis.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
You are a medieval king. How do you defend your castle?
Stern verbal warnings.
6.8% 4 vote(s)
No trespassing signs.
8.5% 5 vote(s)
Imaginary weapons of mass destruction.
27.1% 16 vote(s)
ADT home security.
8.5% 5 vote(s)
Spit balls.
6.8% 4 vote(s)
Baseball bat discreetly hidden behind the front door.
13.6% 8 vote(s)
Confiscate the nail files of all visitors and search their shoes.
1.7% 1 vote(s)
A moat full of haggis.
27.1% 16 vote(s)
Total Votes: 59
The focus of this weeks presidential debate should be:
Who would win if Bush's dad and Kerry's dad got in a fight?
28.1% 16 vote(s)
Which is better, ketchup or oil?
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Should Mars be colonized by Democrats or Republicans?
5.3% 3 vote(s)
Who has the most presidential hair; Laura or Teresa?
5.3% 3 vote(s)
Patriot Act II, the sequel. Great taste but less filling.
1.8% 1 vote(s)
Did Al Gore really invent the Internet?
12.3% 7 vote(s)
Which candidate can pee the farthest?
26.3% 15 vote(s)
Can the federal budget be balanced by investing in haggis futures?
10.5% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 57
There is a spider crawling on your arm. How do you kill it?
Run over it with your car.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
Shoot it.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Drop a 1000 pound weight on it.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Electrocution.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Nuclear radiation.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Bite it.
19.6% 9 vote(s)
Circular saw.
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Smash it with a large haggis.
43.5% 20 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
You have just bought a new car. What is its best feature?
Built in Vegematic.
15.7% 8 vote(s)
Shaving cream dispenser.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
Toilet paper rack.
13.7% 7 vote(s)
Manually inflatable air bags.
5.9% 3 vote(s)
Squirrels.
21.6% 11 vote(s)
Emergency 911 paper cups with string.
5.9% 3 vote(s)
Pot belly stove.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
Dashboard mounted haggis cooler.
21.6% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 51
You are involved in a food fight. What are you throwing?
Chicken livers
21.5% 14 vote(s)
Calamari
10.8% 7 vote(s)
Chitterlings
12.3% 8 vote(s)
Caviar
9.2% 6 vote(s)
Hog jowls
6.2% 4 vote(s)
Filet mignon
12.3% 8 vote(s)
Beef tongue
10.8% 7 vote(s)
Haggis
16.9% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 65
You have just won a Pulitzer Prize for writing about...
the mechanics of shoe lace tying.
22.5% 9 vote(s)
cow pie sculpture.
7.5% 3 vote(s)
the physics of boat anchors.
7.5% 3 vote(s)
fruitcake architecture.
5.0% 2 vote(s)
the science of ditch digging.
5.0% 2 vote(s)
feline soufflé recipes.
7.5% 3 vote(s)
the art of being a couch potato.
32.5% 13 vote(s)
the rise and fall of the haggis.
12.5% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 40
You build a time machine and travel back to see the invention of...
the pet rock.
17.9% 5 vote(s)
Ronco's Vegematic.
3.6% 1 vote(s)
the crocheted tissue box cover.
3.6% 1 vote(s)
the dog sweater.
14.3% 4 vote(s)
the Thigh Master.
7.1% 2 vote(s)
the double beverage hat.
10.7% 3 vote(s)
Hormel Spam.
25.0% 7 vote(s)
the haggis.
17.9% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 28
It's Uncle Ernie's birthday. What do you give him?
The Obnoxious Waiter Pepper Grinder with real neck-breaking sound
17.4% 8 vote(s)
Sushi Shower Curtain
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Motorized Ice Cream Cone
17.4% 8 vote(s)
The Remarkable Hamster Clock
23.9% 11 vote(s)
Ear Wax Candy
10.9% 5 vote(s)
Harriet Tubman Action Playset
4.3% 2 vote(s)
Toilet Bowl Lip Gloss
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Haggis
17.4% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
You are interviewing prospective employees. What question do you ask?
Do you mind working days, nights, weekends and holidays?
18.2% 6 vote(s)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
9.1% 3 vote(s)
Do you believe in magic bologna?
21.2% 7 vote(s)
Beginning with your birth, how many times have you blinked?
9.1% 3 vote(s)
Where do you see yourself 5 years, 4 months, 8 days, 12 hours and 3 minutes from now? Please be specific.
6.1% 2 vote(s)
Please answer quickly. What is the capital of Botswana? Quick! Quick! Quick!Answer please! Now! Now! Now! Answer me!
12.1% 4 vote(s)
Do I look fat in these jeans?
12.1% 4 vote(s)
Do you have any hobbies like, oh for instance, gorging yourself on haggis?
12.1% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 33
Finish the following statement: "I have just bought a new ballpoint pen shaped like..."
the DNA of Queen Latifah.
15.9% 7 vote(s)
a full sized 2004 Boeing 747.
13.6% 6 vote(s)
the back of a $100,000 check.
4.5% 2 vote(s)
a jug of propylene glycol.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
the top of Shelly Winters head.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
pond scum.
4.5% 2 vote(s)
the electrical grid of the southwest United States.
18.2% 8 vote(s)
a haggis.
25.0% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 44
You have invented a way to make cotton candy out of...
cotton.
42.9% 18 vote(s)
Kevlar.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
sand.
9.5% 4 vote(s)
fish heads.
11.9% 5 vote(s)
polyester.
2.4% 1 vote(s)
newspaper.
4.8% 2 vote(s)
hair.
7.1% 3 vote(s)
haggis.
11.9% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 42
You've been invited to go water skiing but you don't own a pair of skis. What do you use?
A bicycle.
8.6% 5 vote(s)
Saw blades.
6.9% 4 vote(s)
Cardboard box.
8.6% 5 vote(s)
Roller skates.
6.9% 4 vote(s)
2 x 4's.
36.2% 21 vote(s)
Spoons.
10.3% 6 vote(s)
Squirrels.
6.9% 4 vote(s)
A couple of well done haggises.
15.5% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 58
You are up the creek without a paddle. What do you use instead of a paddle?
Facial tissue.
2.5% 2 vote(s)
Spaghetti strainer.
8.8% 7 vote(s)
An AOL disk.
52.5% 42 vote(s)
A paddle user's manual.
16.2% 13 vote(s)
A toupee.
1.2% 1 vote(s)
A squirrel.
2.5% 2 vote(s)
Lottery ticket.
5.0% 4 vote(s)
A haggis.
11.2% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 80
You are an Olympic athlete. What is your event?
Red Light Green Light
30.9% 17 vote(s)
Cross Country Cross Stitch
5.5% 3 vote(s)
Speed Hopscotch
10.9% 6 vote(s)
Head Butt Relay
5.5% 3 vote(s)
100 Meter Sack Race
12.7% 7 vote(s)
Synchronized Mud Wrestling
10.9% 6 vote(s)
Duck Duck Goose
16.4% 9 vote(s)
Haggis Vault
7.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 55
You have invented a new weapon for the military. What does it use for ammunition?
Pudding
8.3% 5 vote(s)
Squirrels
20.0% 12 vote(s)
Styrofoam peanuts
28.3% 17 vote(s)
Rubber bands
10.0% 6 vote(s)
Mayonnaise
5.0% 3 vote(s)
Spit balls
3.3% 2 vote(s)
Bees
10.0% 6 vote(s)
Haggis
15.0% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
You have just told a joke. What is the punchline?
The name? Why, "Francia Insultos Le Mexique Aussi" of course.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
Okay! Who put toothpaste on the dog's tail?
16.7% 5 vote(s)
Yep! I'm in the bathroom!
10.0% 3 vote(s)
I knew I couldn't trust you to keep your mouth shut.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
The crock pot wasn't plugged in.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
I sure am glad that they didn't fall on me.
3.3% 1 vote(s)
You'll find out soon enough.
26.7% 8 vote(s)
Bribe the officer(s) with a lifetime supply of fresh haggis.
13.3% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 30
You are going on vacation. Where do you plan to go?
Rust-O-Rama corrosion test site at Narragansett, Rhode Island.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
Bentonville, Arkansas, the Birthplace of Wal-Mart.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
To see the World's Oldest Traffic Light in Ashville, Ohio.
12.5% 4 vote(s)
The Tree Shaped like Abe Lincoln's Head in Albany, Georgia.
18.8% 6 vote(s)
Angier, North Carolina to see Marvin Johnson's Gourd Museum.
3.1% 1 vote(s)
The Fire Hydrant Graveyard in Brisbane, California.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
Brunswick, Missouri, home of the World's Largest Concrete Pecan.
12.5% 4 vote(s)
The Moors of Edinburgh, Scotland for the opening of haggis season.
28.1% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
You are baking a cake. What is the main ingredient?
Lard
45.0% 27 vote(s)
Mud
6.7% 4 vote(s)
Beets
3.3% 2 vote(s)
Toothpaste
10.0% 6 vote(s)
Worms
6.7% 4 vote(s)
Hair
8.3% 5 vote(s)
Paper
3.3% 2 vote(s)
Haggis
16.7% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
You have a headache. How do you get rid of it?
Listen to loud blaring music.
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Soak your head in ice.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Spin around in a swivel chair until it goes away.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Dial 911.
10.3% 3 vote(s)
Bang your head against the wall.
6.9% 2 vote(s)
Mix a big glass full of secret herbs and spices, pour it down the drain, take a nap.
31.0% 9 vote(s)
Tear up some concrete with a jack hammer.
3.4% 1 vote(s)
Eat a delicious haggis.
20.7% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 29
You love your job as a telemarketer. What product do you sell?
Pimple Drill
16.7% 6 vote(s)
Milk Gun
5.6% 2 vote(s)
Motorized Picnic Table
8.3% 3 vote(s)
Toilet Bowl Landing Lights
11.1% 4 vote(s)
Bowling Ball Telescopic Sight
22.2% 8 vote(s)
Jet Propelled Fondue Fork
5.6% 2 vote(s)
12 Gauge Golf Club
5.6% 2 vote(s)
Sculptured Haggis
25.0% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
You go to the doctor and he informs you that you have a dreaded disease. What is it?
Lard Poisoning
11.7% 7 vote(s)
Foot In Mouth Dexterity
20.0% 12 vote(s)
Rectal Cranium Inversion
11.7% 7 vote(s)
Finger In Nose Syndrome
3.3% 2 vote(s)
Epidermis Repulsive
1.7% 1 vote(s)
Poverty Pockets
31.7% 19 vote(s)
Portly Noggin
6.7% 4 vote(s)
Haggis Bloat
13.3% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
You get a paper cut on your finger. What do you do?
Yell, "I'm Hit! I'm Hit!"
25.5% 14 vote(s)
Stop, drop and roll.
5.5% 3 vote(s)
Start a grass roots, "No Tolerance" campaign against paper cuts.
9.1% 5 vote(s)
Call 911.
9.1% 5 vote(s)
Write a blues song about it.
7.3% 4 vote(s)
Perform CPR on your finger.
21.8% 12 vote(s)
Duck and cover.
7.3% 4 vote(s)
Soak the wound inside a luke warm haggis.
14.5% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 55
You open a bag of potato chips and find a dead mouse inside. What do you do?
Complain to the manufacturer saying that the nutrition label failed to mention the excess protein.
38.3% 18 vote(s)
Start a campaign to warn people to not eat that brand of chips because they kill laboratory mice.
10.6% 5 vote(s)
Write a letter of commendation to the manufacturer thanking them for the special prize.
17.0% 8 vote(s)
Call 911.
2.1% 1 vote(s)
Buy a bunch of mouse traps. Use the potato chips as bait.
2.1% 1 vote(s)
Have the mouse mounted and place it on your mantle.
6.4% 3 vote(s)
Eat the mouse. Throw away the chips.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
Make a teeny tiny haggis.
14.9% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 47
You get a summons for jury duty? What do you do?
Move to another state.
4.9% 2 vote(s)
Send a letter to the judge stating that you cannot serve because you are a conscientious objector.
19.5% 8 vote(s)
Commit a crime and ask to serve on your own jury.
17.1% 7 vote(s)
Call 911.
7.3% 3 vote(s)
Tell the judge that you already have plans to be sick that day.
9.8% 4 vote(s)
Reply with a letter that says, "Thank you so much for the incredible offer but I'm afraid that I must decline at this time."
24.4% 10 vote(s)
Run willie nillie through the streets.
9.8% 4 vote(s)
In order to get out of serving, you bribe the judge with a fresh, delicious haggis.
7.3% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 41
A telemarketer calls. What do you say to him?
What are you wearing?
10.0% 6 vote(s)
I was just getting ready to call you.
18.3% 11 vote(s)
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
6.7% 4 vote(s)
I'm not interested but the following list of people are interested...
5.0% 3 vote(s)
Did you know that I can save you a significant amount of money on your long distance bill. Who is your current provider?
23.3% 14 vote(s)
Thank goodness you answered. Please send an ambulance right away.
5.0% 3 vote(s)
I can't talk right now. My phone isn't hooked up.
25.0% 15 vote(s)
How much for a two pound haggis?
6.7% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
You are driving on the freeway when someone cuts you off in traffic. How do you respond?
Share the joy. Cut off the next car you see.
7.9% 5 vote(s)
Roll down the window and yell, "Your shoe is untied!"
19.0% 12 vote(s)
Think bad thoughts about the driver.
28.6% 18 vote(s)
Call 911.
1.6% 1 vote(s)
Faint.
6.3% 4 vote(s)
Let everyone know how you feel. Blow the horn for the next five miles.
15.9% 10 vote(s)
Slam on your brakes.
6.3% 4 vote(s)
Stop at the nearest Scottish pub and calm your nerves by gorging yourself with a delicious haggis.
14.3% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 63
You have just donated blood at your local Red Cross. What instructions are you given before you leave?
If you feel faint, stand up as fast as you can.
16.3% 16 vote(s)
If anyone comments about your needle mark, just tell them you're a junkie.
14.3% 14 vote(s)
If you should feel nauseated, putting your finger down your throat will make you feel better.
6.1% 6 vote(s)
Thumping the needle mark will make the bruise heal faster.
9.2% 9 vote(s)
Now would be a good time to get all liquored up.
15.3% 15 vote(s)
Giving blood daily keeps you young.
13.3% 13 vote(s)
Be sure to smoke plenty of cigarettes.
5.1% 5 vote(s)
Eat plenty of rare haggis to insure that you regain your strength quickly.
20.4% 20 vote(s)
Total Votes: 98
What is the Easter Bunny bringing you this year?
Paper clips.
18.9% 7 vote(s)
White out.
8.1% 3 vote(s)
Dry erase markers.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Staples.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Scissors.
8.1% 3 vote(s)
Envelopes.
8.1% 3 vote(s)
Rubber bands.
2.7% 1 vote(s)
A huge paper weight in the shape of a delicious haggis.
43.2% 16 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
Your uncle passes away. In his will he leaves you a cow. What do you do with it?
Keep it in the bathtub.
3.4% 3 vote(s)
Take it to the wilderness and release it to roam freely with others of her kind.
27.6% 24 vote(s)
Glue on some deer antlers, shoot it, strap it to your bumper and parade it around the neighborhood.
5.7% 5 vote(s)
Start your own glue factory.
2.3% 2 vote(s)
Make a trophy head to mount over the mantle.
3.4% 3 vote(s)
Use it as an energy efficient ride to work.
11.5% 10 vote(s)
Become a ventriloquist, gut the cow, make a dummy out of it and take your comedy routine on the road.
4.6% 4 vote(s)
Three words: All Beef Haggis.
41.4% 36 vote(s)
Total Votes: 87
You are looking for a new house. What is your prime requirement?
Wheels.
11.7% 7 vote(s)
A big yard that will hold plenty of old cars.
15.0% 9 vote(s)
Kudzu garden.
8.3% 5 vote(s)
A room big enough for your "fancy eatin' table."
21.7% 13 vote(s)
Right across the street from Mom and Dad.
6.7% 4 vote(s)
Quicksand.
5.0% 3 vote(s)
Lots and lots of trees for "No Trespassing" signs.
21.7% 13 vote(s)
Neighbors who enjoy haggis as much as you.
10.0% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
Complete the following statement: My favorite song to sing in the shower is...
The Candy Man
11.9% 7 vote(s)
Having My Baby
1.7% 1 vote(s)
Stayin' Alive
10.2% 6 vote(s)
Rhinestone Cowboy
6.8% 4 vote(s)
I Will Survive
45.8% 27 vote(s)
One Tin Soldier
5.1% 3 vote(s)
YMCA
15.3% 9 vote(s)
Address to a Haggis
3.4% 2 vote(s)
Total Votes: 59
A big movie producer calls you for the leading role in his next movie. Since you are an "unknown," he asks why you think you are qualified for the role. You reply...
I can throw my voice while I'm drinking a glass of water.
2.7% 1 vote(s)
I'm not an actor but I play one on TV.
16.2% 6 vote(s)
You know how good looking and talented Brad Pitt is? Well, I'm nothing like him.
13.5% 5 vote(s)
Because I can do anything. I used to be in the seals you know. That's right. I can balance a beach ball on my nose, squeak those little horns with my mouth, jump through hoops...
5.4% 2 vote(s)
I watch a lot of movies.
13.5% 5 vote(s)
I'm the star of all my mother's Christmas videos.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
It's just acting. Anybody can do it.
29.7% 11 vote(s)
Look, if you give the part to me I'll make sure that you'll never want for haggis ever again.
13.5% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
You are running for President. What is your campaign slogan?
I will pull our troops out of Iraq. It's time to invade someone else for a change.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
Heath care is my number on priority next to achieving the national high score on Zelda.
13.0% 6 vote(s)
Instead of tax rebates, everyone gets a coupon for a free Big Mac.
13.0% 6 vote(s)
To increase our military force, I'll bring back the draft... beer.
10.9% 5 vote(s)
We're going to California then Texas and New York, South Dakota, Oregon, Wisconsin and Michigan and then on to the White House YEEEAAAAGGHHH!
8.7% 4 vote(s)
My administration will stop at nothing to blame someone else for our shortcomings.
34.8% 16 vote(s)
Every day will be President's Day.
2.2% 1 vote(s)
Two cars in every garage and a haggis in every pot.
6.5% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 46
You are a commercial airline pilot. After giving the obligatory flight announcements, you conclude by saying...
Today's flight delay is sponsored by Ronco. Makers of engine number three.
39.6% 21 vote(s)
My spouse left me last night and I have no reason to live.
17.0% 9 vote(s)
My name is Jack. Be sure to say "Hi" when you see me.
3.8% 2 vote(s)
That reminds me of a joke. A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian walk into the airport bar...
3.8% 2 vote(s)
I am wearing a sidearm but the airline only gives me one bullet and makes me keep it in my shirt pocket.
7.5% 4 vote(s)
We'll be flying at an altitude almost as high as me.
11.3% 6 vote(s)
Your flight attendant is Joanne. She is wearing a lovely two piece uniform from Kmart of Beverly Hills. Retail price of her ensemble; seventy-eight dollars and forty two cents including tax, tag and license.
7.5% 4 vote(s)
Today's dinner entree is haggis.
9.4% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 53
You spend $10,000 of company money for various necessary items but fail to keep a record of your purchases. Your boss is looking over the books when he asks, "What did you do with the $10,000?" How do you respond?
I changed it all into pennies, melted down the pennies, made copper wire out of it and doubled our investment.
26.2% 16 vote(s)
I spent it you idiot. What else would I do with it?
24.6% 15 vote(s)
I bought lottery tickets.
8.2% 5 vote(s)
I stuffed a mattress with it.
6.6% 4 vote(s)
None of your business.
3.3% 2 vote(s)
Okay, okay. You caught me. How about I give you ten bucks to keep your big mouth shut about the whole thing?
13.1% 8 vote(s)
I changed it into pennies, glued them together and sold them as boat anchors.
8.2% 5 vote(s)
I blew it all on haggis burgers.
9.8% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 61
You can tell if your bovine has mad cow disease when...
It tries to make chocolate milk by eating Hershey bars.
11.3% 7 vote(s)
It waits till the other cows go to sleep, then tips them over.
30.6% 19 vote(s)
It likes to watch UPN.
1.6% 1 vote(s)
Instead of eating grass, it smokes grass.
17.7% 11 vote(s)
It runs for president.
12.9% 8 vote(s)
It gets silicone udder implants.
6.5% 4 vote(s)
It thinks Martha Stewart is innocent.
14.5% 9 vote(s)
It eats oatmeal and kidneys because it thinks it's a haggis.
4.8% 3 vote(s)
Total Votes: 62
Your boss calls you to his office and is expecting the results of a project that he assigned to you. The problem is that you have forgotten to do the project. What do you tell your boss?
My dog ate it.
7.9% 5 vote(s)
I have failed you oh master. I have shamed your honor. Please make my death quick and painless.
12.7% 8 vote(s)
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
9.5% 6 vote(s)
I accidentally gave it to our toughest competitor.
3.2% 2 vote(s)
You were serious about me doing that project?
22.2% 14 vote(s)
I haven't had time to complete the project. You see, there has been this really competitive blackjack tournament online and I've got the company in the hole for $500,000.
9.5% 6 vote(s)
That project was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard of so I didn't do it to save you the embarrassment.
19.0% 12 vote(s)
You assigned me a project? I thought you said, "Gorge yourself on haggis."
15.9% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 63
History books tell us that the renowned outlaw Jesse James was shot and killed by Bob Ford on April 3, 1882. The truth is that...
Jesse became a branch manager for the First National Bank of Northfield,Minnesota.
8.3% 3 vote(s)
He died from an injury resulting from his slipping on a bar of soap in the shower.
22.2% 8 vote(s)
After calling 911, he fully recovered and made a career washing stage coach windows on the streets of New York City.
2.8% 1 vote(s)
He is alive and well and is the owner of Jesse James Wheels located in Cerritos, California.
2.8% 1 vote(s)
Joe Walsh joined his gang as the lead guitarist.
5.6% 2 vote(s)
He was actually shot in the butt by a shotgun thus giving Levi Strauss an idea that was never fully developed until the 1980's.
13.9% 5 vote(s)
Jesse caught the bullet in his teeth. Realizing his talent, he took his act to Vegas.
5.6% 2 vote(s)
He choked to death on a piece of haggis.
38.9% 14 vote(s)
Total Votes: 36
President Bush has announced a plan to go back to the moon by 2015. Why?
To look for Saddam's hidden stash of weapons of mass destruction.
30.0% 18 vote(s)
Because the U.S. deficit just isn't high enough.
16.7% 10 vote(s)
To wipe that silly smile off of the man in the moon's face.
5.0% 3 vote(s)
Two words: Ambassador Hillary.
8.3% 5 vote(s)
He forgot that President Kennedy already made that announcement.
10.0% 6 vote(s)
This time he's sending Bruce Willis to make sure the trip is believable.
5.0% 3 vote(s)
It's really not his idea. It was a direct order from Star Fleet Command.
15.0% 9 vote(s)
Because everyone knows how well haggis goes with green cheese.
10.0% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
Britney Spears married her hometown sweetheart, Jason Alexander, because:
He loves her for who she is. A scantily clad millionaire.
13.7% 7 vote(s)
She doesn't know how to say no.
11.8% 6 vote(s)
He can buy beer.
3.9% 2 vote(s)
She thought somebody would laugh at her.
2.0% 1 vote(s)
All the cool kids are doing it.
19.6% 10 vote(s)
She thought his record had something to do with the recording industry.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
He's as smart as she is.
19.6% 10 vote(s)
She was hopped up on haggis.
21.6% 11 vote(s)
Total Votes: 51
Why did Robeo change the name of Absolute Humor back to The Lame Humor List?
He lost a bet.
16.2% 6 vote(s)
Finally got around to last years New Year's resolution.
10.8% 4 vote(s)
Was forced at gun point.
8.1% 3 vote(s)
It came to him in a dream.
5.4% 2 vote(s)
Nothing goes together better than lame and humor.
10.8% 4 vote(s)
He couldn't deny the omen after spelling it out with the home version of Wheel of Fortune.
13.5% 5 vote(s)
Taking a bowl of alphabet soup, he carefully flung it on the wall. Lame Humor was born.
13.5% 5 vote(s)
He was high on haggis.
21.6% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 37
What is your New Year's resolution?
Stop pilfering through the neighbors garbage.
12.8% 6 vote(s)
Quit sleeping under bridges.
0% 0 vote(s)
Break my addiction to Nicorette gum.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
No more hang-up calls to 911.
2.1% 1 vote(s)
Stop subscribing my boss to Spam email.
8.5% 4 vote(s)
Gamble only with other peoples money.
19.1% 9 vote(s)
To leave my resolutions unresolved.
31.9% 15 vote(s)
No more haggis binges.
17.0% 8 vote(s)
Total Votes: 47
What did you ask Santa to bring you this year?
A Briggs & Stratton 5 horsepower nose trimmer.
17.5% 7 vote(s)
Genuine imitation mink pop-up laundry bag.
10.0% 4 vote(s)
Platinum sink strainer with built in ketchup bottle.
7.5% 3 vote(s)
Heated telephone amplifier and banana peeler.
7.5% 3 vote(s)
Cherry flavored grout & tile cleaner.
2.5% 1 vote(s)
Auto scratcher with auto scratch removing kit.
12.5% 5 vote(s)
Stainless steel skull plate with magnetic umbrella.
12.5% 5 vote(s)
A succulent haggis fruitcake.
30.0% 12 vote(s)
Total Votes: 40
What will you be doing Christmas morning?
Cleaning up reindeer poop.
14.5% 8 vote(s)
Participating in the annual family food fight.
9.1% 5 vote(s)
Bobbing for fruitcake.
7.3% 4 vote(s)
Putting the kid's toys together, going to bed at 6:00 AM, being awakened by your kids at 6:15 AM.
14.5% 8 vote(s)
Sit at work while counting your money as you chant, "Bah, humbug."
5.5% 3 vote(s)
Checking your stocking for sticks and coal.
23.6% 13 vote(s)
Start writing next years wish list.
9.1% 5 vote(s)
Digging through dumpsters looking for leftover Christmas haggis.
16.4% 9 vote(s)
Total Votes: 55
What is Santa bringing for you this Christmas?
Sticks and coal for those cold winter nights.
11.9% 7 vote(s)
Reindeer poop.
15.3% 9 vote(s)
Elf hand-me-downs.
8.5% 5 vote(s)
Fruitcake Legos.
13.6% 8 vote(s)
Candy cane wrappers.
10.2% 6 vote(s)
Intercontinental ballistic mistletoe toe.
8.5% 5 vote(s)
Christmas tree needles.
10.2% 6 vote(s)
Haggis flavored eggnog.
22.0% 13 vote(s)
Total Votes: 59
Scientists report that the Earth has broken from its orbit and is shooting towards the sun. How do you react to this news?
Make an early warning system out of Jiffy Pop Popcorn.
10.0% 6 vote(s)
Travel to the coast Maine. Sit on the beach and wait for the free "Lobster Festival."
20.0% 12 vote(s)
Get everyone you know to turn their window fans towards the sun to blow the planet back into orbit.
26.7% 16 vote(s)
Call 911.
0% 0 vote(s)
Fill up your extra ice trays.
5.0% 3 vote(s)
Invest all of your money in sunscreen futures.
3.3% 2 vote(s)
Move to Iceland.
6.7% 4 vote(s)
Make a big pile of haggis in your front yard. Invite the neighborhood over for one last Burns Supper.
28.3% 17 vote(s)
Total Votes: 60
It's Thanksgiving. What are you doing?
Participating in the family food fight.
6.1% 2 vote(s)
Participating in the family fight.
12.1% 4 vote(s)
Making cranberry sauce ala mode.
6.1% 2 vote(s)
Visiting your family at the state penitentiary.
9.1% 3 vote(s)
Watching the Macy's Parade and eating TV dinners.
18.2% 6 vote(s)
Gathering around the Thanksgiving tree to open giblets wrapped in pumpkin pie.
3.0% 1 vote(s)
Devouring a fifth of wild turkey with all the trimmings.
27.3% 9 vote(s)
Devouring a traditional haggis with all the trimmings.
18.2% 6 vote(s)
Total Votes: 33
You are a hypochondriac. What are your latest symptoms of illness?
Dog hair sticks to your sweaters.
8.7% 22 vote(s)
Caffeine keeps you awake.
8.7% 22 vote(s)
When the phone rings you hear bells.
9.5% 24 vote(s)
Your clothes are getting tighter.
12.7% 32 vote(s)
Windows 98 keeps crashing.
10.3% 26 vote(s)
Every time you eat, you lose your appetite.
17.9% 45 vote(s)
You start yawning just before bedtime..
11.5% 29 vote(s)
Everything tastes like haggis.
20.6% 52 vote(s)
Total Votes: 252
What is your favorite musical instrument?
Comb and wax paper.
6.2% 3 vote(s)
Empty moonshine jug.
16.7% 8 vote(s)
Garbage can lid.
4.2% 2 vote(s)
8 track.
20.8% 10 vote(s)
Telephone keypad.
12.5% 6 vote(s)
Armpit.
16.7% 8 vote(s)
Car horn.
8.3% 4 vote(s)
Haggis flute.
14.6% 7 vote(s)
Total Votes: 48
You are going to your bosses formal birthday party. What do you wear?
Speedo.
5.8% 3 vote(s)
Polyester leisure suit.
26.9% 14 vote(s)
Mini-skirt & knee high hose.
15.4% 8 vote(s)
Ski mask.
5.8% 3 vote(s)
Unbuttoned disco shirt.
11.5% 6 vote(s)
Bullet proof vest.
9.6% 5 vote(s)
Pajamas.
15.4% 8 vote(s)
A brand new haggis stole.
9.6% 5 vote(s)
Total Votes: 52
You are accident prone. What kind of accident are you most prone to having?
Stubbing your toe on a waffle iron.
15.9% 7 vote(s)
Getting paper cuts with facial tissue.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
Tripping over the ceiling fan.
13.6% 6 vote(s)
Smashing your thumb with a sponge.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
Bumping your head on the toilet seat.
6.8% 3 vote(s)
Breaking a fingernail while picking your nose.
27.3% 12 vote(s)
Burning your hands on ice cubes.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
got caught driving under the influence of haggis.
9.1% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 44
Complete the following statement: I am attending a 12 step program because I...
compulsively shop for Ronco products.
15.6% 5 vote(s)
carve 250 foot toothpicks out of giant redwood trees.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
collect used Kleenex.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
have an aversion to light and garlic.
6.2% 2 vote(s)
keep changing my windshield wiper blades until I find a pair that won't leave streaks.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
am addicted to scratch and sniff books.
12.5% 4 vote(s)
can't stop licking postage stamps.
9.4% 3 vote(s)
got caught driving under the influence of haggis.
31.2% 10 vote(s)
Total Votes: 32
Your boss invites you over to his house for cocktails. Following the proper rules of etiquette, what do you bring?
A side arm.
13.8% 11 vote(s)
Your best whine.
21.2% 17 vote(s)
Office supplies.
2.5% 2 vote(s)
A lawyer.
8.8% 7 vote(s)
The rest of the office staff.
13.8% 11 vote(s)
A good book.
5.0% 4 vote(s)
Something slinky.
13.8% 11 vote(s)
Haggis dip..
21.2% 17 vote(s)
Total Votes: 80
You are going to a pot luck supper at your church. What do you take?
Coffee Bean Casserole.
7.4% 4 vote(s)
Deviled Eggplant.
20.4% 11 vote(s)
Macaronni and Cheeze Whiz.
18.5% 10 vote(s)
Hotdog Relish Sundaes.
5.6% 3 vote(s)
Strawberry Beefaroni
7.4% 4 vote(s)
Chicken Cheesecake
11.1% 6 vote(s)
String Bean Punch
5.6% 3 vote(s)
Bite Size Mini Haggis's.
24.1% 13 vote(s)
Total Votes: 54
You open a fortune cookie. What does it say?
You will be going to the bathroom soon.
29.4% 15 vote(s)
This cookie is 90% MSG.
9.8% 5 vote(s)
The chef spit in the eggrolls.
9.8% 5 vote(s)
It's your lucky day! Pay the cashier double.
3.9% 2 vote(s)
Food poisoning isn't really all that bad.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
How did the cat taste?
23.5% 12 vote(s)
Find the cooks fingernail and win a prize.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
General Tsao's chicken is really haggis.
7.8% 4 vote(s)
Total Votes: 51
A hurricane is hours away from your doorstep. What do you do to prepare?
Stock up on Twinkies.
15.3% 9 vote(s)
Run "willie nillie" through the streets.
10.2% 6 vote(s)
Stand on your front porch and declare, "I am the master of all I survey! I claim this land in the name of the monarchy!"
16.9% 10 vote(s)
Call 911.
5.1% 3 vote(s)
Drink whisky, shoot guns into the air and generally "whoop it up."
11.9% 7 vote(s)
Go swimming.
6.8% 4 vote(s)
Tap your heels three times while reciting, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home..."
11.9% 7 vote(s)
Board up your windows with slices of protective haggis.
22.0% 13 vote(s)
Total Votes: 59
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